Hi, I'm new here. I posted earlier in the newcomer's forum but I think this is where I probably belong. I noticed that there are high desire H's, low desire W's and high desire W's here but no low desire H's. Wish there were so I could understand H's situation better. I don't know how to provide a link there so I just copied and pasted the same message here. Hope to get some support. Thanks.
I got here when someone from Babycentre's Message Board on Sex After Baby recommended Michelle's SSM book. There are many new and not so new parents there searching for answers to this issue. It would seem to me that most SSM starts when cozy twosome becomes 3 or more. Suddenly you find that your spouse becomes a new person, a parent in place of the lover you used to know. Sometimes out of sheer exhaustion, lack of time and sleep, physical intimacy becomes neglected and placed on the back burner. Soon neglect turns to a habit and then when it goes on for too long, other problems surface and then the M breaksdown. Perhaps Michelle can come up with a new book to help new parents nip this problem in the bud?
I am a new parent myself and this is my sitch. I am 36, H 38. We have been together 9 years, married for the last 2 and been living together for several years before that. We now have a little girl who is 11 months old. I have a wonderful M and am married to the most wonderful man whom I love dearly. So what exactly am I doing here you might ask. Well, I think that this forum is not only useful to those who are thinking of the big D but it is useful to anyone working at a M and even the most wonderful of Ms requires lots and lots of hard work.
My M is in SSM mode for 20 months now. May I call it that? I have many sleepness nights thinking about why and sleep is such a precious thing these days. I know my H is under a lot of stress. He is taking medication for anxiety, he has a recent job promotion in a tough environment, he's had to deal with grief over death of his remaining parent, adjust to life with a baby etc. So I certainly don't blame him for this state but what I am unhappy about is his unwillingness to talk about it. My latest plea to him to talk to me is met with more silence, so thats why I am here. So I can talk and talk and there will be others to listen to me. I find that the more I talk to H the worse the problem becomes as he just gets more and more stressed and I feel more and more rejected. When I bring up the subject to H, H will either keep silent, or tell me that I am stressing him and putting pressure on him or tell me to bear with it and wait till things get better but they never do. New stresses come up along the way and I am pushed back further and further. It is like waiting in a queue and someone else keeps on cutting on your queue.
I keep asking myself why and keep second guessing myself. It must be because I have put on weight, I'm breastfeeding etc. Why doesn't he want me any more or find me desirable anymore? I have asked him all of these things before but I get no answers. So I figured out that it must be me but he just doesn't want to say so he won't hurt my feelings. I thought it might be the medication but then he keeps porn on the computer so maybe not. Theres just no more passion in him for me anymore. I feel very depressed about this. Initially, I was affection starved as well as there was no hugs etc from him. At least now, after months of complaining he is affectionate again and perhaps I should just live with that because everything else is so good. He is a very responsible person, a great father (I fell in love all over again with him when I saw how he was with our baby), considerate, thoughtful and now loving and affectionate too. And if you ask me to choose between affection and sex, I would choose affection anytime. Heck, I'm usually too tired for sex myself anyway. All I want is to be close to him and for him to want me a little.
During my 7 1/2 month of pregnancy I also had to deal with finding out about H's PA with a co-worker before we got married. OW came to my house with a letter that looked like phonography detailing their exploits to me. I was devastated. They never went all the way but it makes little difference to me. H betrayed my trust, thats it. H was very sorry and I have forgiven him and we agreed to put it behind us and not let it be a wedge between us but I have trouble forgetting. I need very much for him to show me physically that its me he still wants but.........
I have so much more to say but better stop here. H says I'm very long winded.
Quote: So I certainly don't blame him for this state but what I am unhappy about is his unwillingness to talk about it.
sometimes in talking about it..we simply add another stress to their plate...
I hear the same things from my h..under alot of pressure...etc..
doesn't make it easier on me but I do try to understand as you have.
so then what are some things that are working??
I know from experience that mothering a child and breast feeding do not lend oneself to feel attractive and "sexy" but there are still ways...perhaps some new clothes? contrary to what so many tell you about breast feeding helping you to loose the pregnancy weight sooner...that's a load...sure your uterous will shrink sooner due to the oxytocin kicked out but in the end breast feeding tends to make your body store extra fats just incase...weight really shouldn't be an issue but it can make you feel unattractive and when we feel unattractive we don't really project something to be desired..so then what to do??
does h reject you when/if you make an advance toward him?
It's good to know you're posting here and doing something about your problem now rather than later. My sitch is a few years down the road from yours and I'd hate to see you take the same path (I just posted on "this should be on list of top ten SSMs").
Since I'm new here too, I don't have much advice for you. (sorry!) Hang in there and hopefully, we'll find a solution that'll work.
LL, You are right on about the fact that you store fat when you breastfeed. In addition it makes you so hungry you have to eat all the time to fuel up then you can't go on a diet!
I haven't tried to make any advances as whenever we spoke about it it was quite clear that H was not keen. It was not so much the sex that I missed but the total lack of any sensual kissing which drove me absolutely crazy from longing and yearning for H. Very recently, I broke down completely one morning and ranted about how miserable I felt. Stressed H up so much just before leaving for work, something which I should not have done. H made up the next morning by ending the drought. I wonder how to make sure things don't go back to the way it was. I suppose I shall just try to continue to work on a being a loving W. This forum will be the place where I shall rant, rave and vent so I won't be a grouch and a nag to H and I shall try to give H a peaceful home and continue to be patient and understanding. LH
If I'm not mistaken, Michele mentioned somewhere that when a marriage becomes sex starved, most other forms of affection go out the door, too. That's what happened in my marriage. Honesttly, I don't know how I survived this far.
Luvhubby, I am so glad you found your way here. I can tell that you are really working hard on yourself and your marriage. I give you lots of credit. All this, while your hormones are still running amuck! What a girl!!!
Marriages do go through an incredible transitional period after the birth of a child. In fact, did you know that research tells us that marital satisfaction often goes down with the birth of each child? Amazing. How is it possible that something so sweet, so wonderful, so miraculous as children can wreak havoc on marriage? Strange, isn't it?
Well, one thing's for sure, talking to him about this situation isn't working. Asking for reassurances isn't working. I can certainly understand why you'd want to do both, but don't. as you suggest, come here and vent. And then focus on you. Decide what you need to do to boost your spirits. Then do it.
I also wonder about the meds your husband is taking. It may just be that those meds are affecting his libido. Additionally, losing a parent is a gigantic loss. He might be depressed. Sex is often the last thing on someone's mind when they're down. His disinterest may or may not have anything to do with you. Don't press him about it right now. Just be loving and see what happens. Keep focused on what a great person you are and how lovable you really are even if he isn't being physically affectionate right now. His actions don't define you. Don't allow them to. Remember who you are. I can tell by your post that you are a sensitive, loving person. Don't forget it.
Would he read the book by any chance? You shouldn't pressure him, but what if you left it around the house "by accident?" Keep visiting. Michele
Thank you for your reply. How do you manage to find the time? Yours is a great vocation, to be able to help so many couples and in doing so, help their children for the children will thrive when their parents have positive, loving relationships. You should feel proud and happy with yourself. Just your book alone has helped many, I'm sure. Speaking of which, I did send the online Chapter 1 to my H but I'm not sure if he has read it.
My H is not a verbal person when it comes to affairs of the heart. He always says that action counts louder than words which is why it hurts me even more when he does not express himself intimately. I think his difficulty in expressing himself stems from his poor relationship with his parents. His father was the strict authoritarion and he was never the favourite with his mother and she made it quite clear. So my continuous talking about this issue only made it worse for him.
Quoting Michele: Well, one thing's for sure, talking to him about this situation isn't working. Asking for reassurances isn't working. I can certainly understand why you'd want to do both, but don't. as you suggest, come here and vent. And then focus on you. Decide what you need to do to boost your spirits. Then do it.
Michele, this is exactly what I am doing now and happy to say that some positive results are beggining to show. Thanks again. And BTW, I really like your header "The website for people who want a more loving relationship" I do have a wonderful M and nowhere near a D but your website is still very useful to me. It is not for DB alone. Sometimes I feel like a very greedy person who has a big cake and still want the last piece and sometimes think I should just forget about the missing intimate part for otherwise we are happy together. Luckily I now realize how important it is to continue to work on this issue.
"The website for people who want a more loving relationship" I do have a wonderful M and nowhere near a D but your website is still very useful to me. It is not for DB alone. Sometimes I feel like a very greedy person who has a big cake and still want the last piece and sometimes think I should just forget about the missing intimate part for otherwise we are happy together. Luckily I now realize how important it is to continue to work on this issue.
You're on the right track. Maybe if more of us were "greedy" early on we'd save more marriages from low sex melt down. Also, what is a crisis for one person or relationship may be just fine for another. For example, if both partners are having intimacy difficulties even with sex 3 times a week maybe their nourishment needs are higher.
I'm a little afraid if we make some progress in our sex life, such as going from once a month to twice a month, that my wife will think that's good enough. Sure we doubled the frequency but that misses the point. I'd like to have sex every other day or every day and she'd like to have sex every couple months. Sex is one good thing that very few get too much of!
Quoting AchingMan:Also, what is a crisis for one person or relationship may be just fine for another
A 'crisis' happens when one partner feels his/her spouse does not love them back in the same passion that we still hold for them. We all want to be desirable to our spouses the way we desire them and when the LD partners are not even interested in being interested, unwilling to even try, then worse still, the LD partners feel unloved, uncherished and that leads to other marital problems like an A for example.
Quoting luvhubby: We all want to be desirable to our spouses the way we desire them and when the LD partners are not even interested in being interested, unwilling to even try, then worse still, the LD partners feel unloved, uncherished and that leads to other marital problems like an A for example.
You just made me realize something! I think this is part of the root of my H's unhappiness that led to A!
Thanks again. And BTW, I really like your header "The website for people who want a more loving relationship" I do have a wonderful M and nowhere near a D but your website is still very useful to me. It is not for DB alone. Sometimes I feel like a very greedy person who has a big cake and still want the last piece and sometimes think I should just forget about the missing intimate part for otherwise we are happy together. Luckily I now realize how important it is to continue to work on this issue.