Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Any chance?

Germ,
For me,at this point, I dont see any chance and I wouldnt take her back. She wants her life and freedom. She wants this OM or someone else down the road because she wants to beloved and be in love. Shes sleeping with the guy even after he cheated(at least once
), bashed her to people and the dirty texts to other women. She admits hes "not the one" and her walls/guard is up but she just cant leave him alone. Must be really good sex! Hes younger than her. Possibly a as much as 10 years. He WILL get tired of her eventually. Then what? Either crawl back to me (too stubborn) or start looking for the next "Fix". Its for sure MLC and hormonal. Shes possibly bi-polar(her family thinks so..and others). So at this point in time there is NO relationship and Im closing the door. She may change,may not but I have to protect me now.

As for your stbx acting on those thoughts....she may have had them all along. If not then a mental issue may be the cause. How old is she? Menopause is HORRIBLE...thats a BIG factor in my D. Or she developed addictions over time, maybe its a defense mechanism or shes desperate for something....anyways Im speculating and I shouldnt.

But I will say this. If not for this whole thing (right Chevelle) I wouldnt be the man I am right now. This is a chance to really examine yourself. Those dont come along very often. You are standing at a fork in the road....one way leads down...more of the same...the other leads up to who you were meant to be. Which way are you going?

Im the kind of man she will want back, SOMEDAY. She may come back...may not. Either way Im growing everyday and I like who Im becoming.

Take care,
Bill

Bill,
She's only 27. Maybe a 1/4 life crisis, probably not an MLC. Who knows. I agree with you about becoming a man. I am a better person. I don't drink and feel great. I haven't struggled with lustful thoughts either. Which makes me frustrated that I had such difficulty while married and while I could actually have sex.

Every interaction through her lawyer and she is trying to hurt me. In 4 months, no apology, just legal haggling over the settlement and stupid issues too.

Just do your best to detach as much as possible. She may be hurting you out of guilt or because she wants to. Protect your heart. Dont take it personally.

Detaching is hard....I know.I just told my ex I was done with her and when something changes(with her problems etc) call me and let me know. I said i cant expend the energy or leave myself open to the hurt anymore(talking about her BF and their problems to me??)
I said goodbye..maybe forever...dont know but I needed some distance and so do you. You can still love her and be kind without keeping the door open to the pain.

If not mlc then she has a deep,deep issue.

Bill

I really am trying to detach. I just feel so hopeless about the situation (and I used to be such a strong, proud, productive guy). Not to diminish others very real pain but no contact at all is so different from many of these cases. I envy those that at least have some ongoing relationship even if it is negative. That still offers hope.
She cut off our relationship completely, nothing at all in over 4 months...not a word from her. She wants nothing to do with me. Her family hates me and acts as if the blame rests solely on me. She has threatened legal action if I call any of her friends. Her behavior is just so different from the person I knew (similar to yours Bill). I am just still so baffled by it. She is behaving as if I was an abuser. I admit that some things I said to her in the course of the marriage were not always nice. I also was selfish in my own bedroom requests that frustrated her. I admit that that wasnt healthy and regret it so much. But I have to thing that the issue must have been so much bigger. She was the one who was drunk and became violent at the end. She was the one who gave the who "ILYBNILWYA" speech. Why would she not talk at all after the fight?? We shared so much, hung out everyday for the past 3 years and knew each other for almost 5. I was there for her. My family was always there for her. Instead she runs to her extended family that has hurt her repeatedly and friends that hated our marriage since the beginning while abandoning those who have supported us for a while. I just have to think that this isn't normal. Like I've said before, I know I have done some bad things in our marriage that hurt her. But I have to think that normal people don't abondon their husband without talking to them at all, they don't post online looking for lesbian relationships, they don't suddenly gain a host of new friends that they didnt want their husband to know about. Right?

I just really ask for your prayers. I'm not trying to sound overemotional. Its just she really broke my heart. I can't imagine myself with anyone else. I don't want anyone else. She was my first love. I miss the her I knew and wish she realized that. Part of my pain too is that how could I be deceived for so long? Was I deceived or did something happen to her? Was I really in love with someone who wasn't in love with me?

Regarding detaching, how did you do it? I feel I can at times but then I think about all I am giving up. Its like as if I have to lie to myself that things are great without her when they really aren't. In fact, my life is not nearly as fun, fulfilling and enjoyable without her...even on a bad day.

Finally, are there any DBing things I can do with no contact besides improving myself as I have done? Has anyone had a similar situation before that got better?

I wish I could explain how to detach. I still struggle with it. At some point I just got fed up with being used and lied to. And it happened slowly. Just try to make every day a little better than the day before. Concentrate on being good to her and others and every night run thru every positive in your life you can think of. That will begin to shift your thinking from negative to positive....,. over time.

Keep at it and never give up.
Bill

thanks bill,
I guess I'm confused on what to never give up. I am the type of person that does not ever give up. That is my problem here though. I feel I can't give up on the marriage but at the same time its become so unsupportable alone (with absolutely 0 contact/effort on her part) that I don't know how it could ever be fixed. That is unless she suddenly decided to put some immense efforts into fixing the problem.

I guess my frustration is how can I be good to her if I can't legally talk to her? She has put up these immense 'legal' walls. I don't want to hurt my life more than it has been. Yet I also don't want to just give up either.

sometimes the best thing is to back off. The more we hang on the more they want out. I chased, pleaded, cried, got angry, used logic and emotion and you know what she saw? Not love, a pathetic man she couldn't wait to get away from. When I turned away she admitted she started to get scared about losing me but I wasn't consistent and I would come running back. Not anymore. If she wants what she chose she can have it (yes I still love and miss her) and if she changes we can see..... in the far future. In the meantime I'm trying to GAL and going dark. I think thats what was partly behind the sudden contact Monday. Today ran into her at the bank. She complained she didn't know where her money goes, told me
how much she had yesterday and now today and I just said " subtract $200 more", she owed me. Then I just said " yep, there's always something" and walked away. Very unusual for me. Maybe a wake up call for her. If not then at least I'm on my way to getting over this. Just remember I've been dealing with this for 5+ years

Maybe " letting go" for now is what she needs. Open the door, do something different. Give up control. Give up trying to fix things. It may make her think. But get more advice before you do it.

Bill

I moved my postings here to a new thread...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1429743&page=0#Post1429743

I'm the same way, you have seen my post. But unfortunately, we don't get this choice, becasue its been made for us. All we can do is work on ourself and smile while our heart gets ripped out.

I'm trying to find a happy medium, my emotions are shot. I'm numb. I don't understand why people do this to their families.

being sad and upset isn't working for me, so I'm doing a 180, trying to be happy, loving and friendly to everyone I meet, smile and the world smiles back.

Will keep you in my prayers GERM04

We all have a long haul ahead of us good or bad it's the path we choose thats important

M45
W41
M10 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
PA confirmed 03/08 no sex yet ??? let me hope !!!
W moving out June 1st - 13 days - Not packing yet