Nate... Nate... Nate.... smart man learns from his mistakes.... a wise man learns from other people's mistakes.
My brother... I have been down this road. I have been with many women including chicks like Amy. They always come crawling back... it's just the way it works. You were her rock, she knows that. Unfortunately she views you as a bit of a father figure and she is the rebelious teenager.
This thing with the new guy will get old fast and then she will reach out to you for help.
When she does, politely tell her that your relationship is over and she needs to find support from someone else.
Happy to hear that you are out having fun. You need some alone time. Don't be in a rush to reconnect with another girl. Rebound relationships are usually a disaster.
If you have any questions or need support, I am here for you.
ALSO...
Read the co-dependency book, that will give you some insight into your behavoir. But you are typical Alpha-Male and that is what makes you great. Find a chick that wants a guy like you. They are out there.
Don't do too much self-examination. Your fine, you just got caught up in a bad sitch. Bascially, your a normal guy... maybe a little too nice.
Big Bro Fish
Fish,
Thank you so much for your comments and support. I am truly grateful. You have no idea how much you have helped me...again thanks!
I am a bit "beat up" over the situation and wanted to provide additional background. Prior to Amy I was married to a woman named Vanessa. I got married at 25, in the year 2000. We had a house and everything was good...or so I thought.
In the fall of 2004, Vanessa told me that she never wanted to have kids. This caused major friction because a family is something that I really want...eventually. A couple months later, I lost my job and was unable to collect unemployment because I coached high school basketball. This caused financial stress in the relationship.
In March 2005, I started a new job with the state (which I still have). Around this time, Vanessa started hanging out with a girlfriend of hers named Sandy. It started becoming a couple night a week thing, where they would go on walks together. I started to voice concern that I wanted to spend more time with Vanessa.
In April 2005, Vanessa threw a 30th birthday party for me...it was great. Two weeks later, I came home after an argument about Sandy and she was gone. Vanessa moved in with Sandy. Sandy left her husband as well and became a lesbian. I am not sure if anything happened with Vanessa and Sandy. After living together for a while, they got into a fight and Vanessa moved out.
I did everything wrong. I stalked, I called, I pressured, I talked about the relationship. It was not good. Vanessa and I ended up getting a divorce and have not had any contact in years.
After eight months of healing and working on myself, I met Amy. I think that I created a codependent relationship with Amy because of the trauma from being left so suddenly by Vanessa. I found someone that needed me. I thought that I could "fix" her. If she needed me, then she would never leave me....or so I thought.
Yet again, I have been walked away from...without having a clue. This time I have done everything right...no pressure, no contact, lots of space...but the result is the same.
I feel like I am the mess...how am I suppose to trust anyone?
Nate
Me: 32 X Fiancee: 34 Bomb: 2/5/08 Separated: 2/6/08
Nate... Nate... Nate.. Here comes another ass kicking.
STOP
These strolls down "bad memory lane" are getting you nowhere. Forget Vanessa, forget Amy... move on.
The issue is that you are connecting with the wrong type of woman, you are very controlling and you absolutely exhibit co-dependent tendencies. A lot of us on the board are like you.
So here is the good news...
You are single and free. Go have fun and live life for awhile on your own. Many of the best times in my life were had when I was SINGLE!!! I trip to Jamaica with a few friends is a perfect cure for the blues.
You are going to be fine. Take it slow, find a nice girl and then think about doing the family thing.
Nate, the more I read, the more I agree with fish. I know it's hard to see it right now and going out is probably the last thing you want to do. Take your time. But really, $100,000+ in debt? Aren't you glad you don't have to take that one on?
You're better than that. Co-dependant? You bet! But realizing it and avoiding making the same mistakes is what it about now.
And fish, go easy on nate. He just lost his fiance. You can see he's better off, I can see he's better off, but he's still hurting. That's my womens point of view so what do I know?
Last edited by ms ladybug; 02/25/0807:36 AM.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Nate, the more I read, the more I agree with fish. I know it's hard to see it right now and going out is probably the last thing you want to do. Take your time. But really, $100,000+ in debt? Aren't you glad you don't have to take that one on?
You're better than that. Co-dependant? You bet! But realizing it and avoiding making the same mistakes is what it about now.
And fish, go easy on nate. He just lost his fiance. You can see he's better off, I can see he's better off, but he's still hurting. That's my womens point of view so what do I know?
Ladybug and Fish.....thanks! You guys help me out alot. I know you guys are right.
The thing that hurts the most right now are the fact within one week of leaving me she was living with another guy and opening a joint checking account....did I mean that little to her? I also am bothered by the fact that she treats me like someone that she hates.
I mean within a two week period, she was looking for apartments for us and planning the wedding, told me she missed me, postponponed the wedding, dumped me, gave away her dogs of 9 years, moved in with OM, and opened a joint checking account with OM.
Sometimes I just feel like I am in a bad dream....what the hell is going on? I mean with all her baggage I should have been the one to dump her. How could she dump me? I thought I had a lot to offer.....
Nate
Me: 32 X Fiancee: 34 Bomb: 2/5/08 Separated: 2/6/08
Well, I logged on to my phone account and noticed that Amy removed herself from my account....so that is taken care of.
I received the appropriate paperwork from my employer, filled it out and had it notorized...so she will now be coming off my insurance.
As a courtesy I sent her a text message:
hey there...hope all is well with you...thanks for taking care of the phone...one less thing to worry about...i received insurance paperwork today...so you should be getting cobra info soon...i listed 10 essex as your address...if you have any questions give me a call...
Of course, no response..I am really upset right now...how could she hate me so much right now? She is being so mean and ignoring me. What did I do to deserve to be treated this way?!?!
Nate
Me: 32 X Fiancee: 34 Bomb: 2/5/08 Separated: 2/6/08
Nope - no need to respond. Why did you let her lack of an immediate response get you so upset? (I'm not saying answer that here necessarily, but definitely think about it and figure out how to change that in the future)
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Nope - no need to respond. Why did you let her lack of an immediate response get you so upset? (I'm not saying answer that here necessarily, but definitely think about it and figure out how to change that in the future)
you are right Nik...I need to detach. The thing that hurts the most right now are the fact within one week of leaving me she was living with another guy and opening a joint checking account....did I mean that little to her? I mean at the end of January we were planning the wedding and looking at apartments together!
I also am bothered by the fact that she treats me like someone that she hates.
Nate
Me: 32 X Fiancee: 34 Bomb: 2/5/08 Separated: 2/6/08
Nate - agreed, that was really fast! I wouldn't read too much into what it means - you'll drive yourself crazy and you'll never know. I would say be grateful it happened now instead of 5 years from now, though. I know that's hard to hear but you really are better off. Thank goodness you two didn't have kids together.
I know this is all still very new for you, too, but definitely work on detaching.
Quote:
I also am bothered by the fact that she treats me like someone that she hates.
You think that roughly an hour delay in getting a text reply (and a polite "Thanks" at that) is treating you like someone she hates??
That's ALL about you and very little (if at all) about her.
She is treating you like someone she's no longer in a romantic R with, but I'd say that's far from treating you like someone she hates.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
