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I guess i can call this an accomplishment on my part. H has not called me all day. And i just realized it now. It annoys me but, ihave to let it go. He claimed this am he was going to training, which i really think he was with her. I told you i can patten his moves, this happened over the summer before he confessed about her. So maybe like me he got really busy with work, or he is with ow. Either way, i have to let it roll off me. I can't let it get to me.

Well i am off to try to work out at the gym, don't know how well i will do with this ankle.

Be back later on!

bear

Have you done it yet.

Hi Bear,

Glad to hear you are off to the gym... I should really go to that yoga site and get myself started.. Feeling to lazy tonight though.

I'm hoping that everything got sorted out with the chequing account. I know it's a nuisance that they messed this up for you.. but it's not an omen that it was a bad decision.. I think it was a really good idea for you to open your own account.. manage your own money.. and know that your money is going towards the things you want and need!

As for the job. I really wish that I could help you out with that. Unfortunately you are only one person and a human being. There are only so many hours in a day and you shouldn't have to work 24/7 to get things done. Your boss is going to have to come to your rescue at some point and either hire someone or delegate that parts of what you have on your plate will need to be handled by someone else. Until that time I guess just take it one day at a time and don't work yourself to the bone.

As for your H... Let's develop the attitude that you don't care what he's doing.. you care what Bear is doing. And right now Bear is being a trooper and going to the gym even though she has a bum ankle.. I'm proud of Bear.

W2G

Hi W2G

THanks

I did make it thru the gym, my ankle is sore now, but i will take some motrin before bed, hopefully the worst is past. I will see how i feel tomorrow, i pushed myself tonight on the treadmill. So time will tell.

Yes the job, i am drowning and my lets call him big boss, my bosses boss stopped by my office for a minute as was like, so how are you doing? Have you done this yet, where is this, we have a meeting monday for EP right, is the agenda done, what about the last meetings minutes. I was like "boss" nothing is done, I hope to have it done by monday, no promises. Some one needs to either step up and get me some help. Or let me go. I know as of right now i will have to work some time this weekend and not get paid. I am 20+days behind in billing. UGH!

The checking account issue, i finally heard that there is nothing they can do, the money will come out of checking. They cannot change it. My only choice is to have the money transfered to the checking account, or close the account. I told them i would get back to them tomorrow. If the money goes automatically the checking account i would be tempted to spend it. And there will be nothing going into my savings account. I don't know what to do. I always like the money going into the savings account so i would not miss it. Maybe its the right thing let it go to checking i will still be taking the money out and just putting into a different account. Afraid i will spend it, when i really should not

I can't care what he does, he came in like 10 minutes after me. I was like so you must have had a busy day, i did not hear from you, he was like yes, and went on and on about his day. I knew every minute. Even asking me questions about some things. I just listened and answered his questions. Now he is sleeping, surprise surprise

Yoga, hum sounds interesting. what is the site? I would be interested in what it has to offer.

Well i never did my homework from work, i am too tired and heading off to bed

hugs
bear

Hi Sg

I think i am overtired, what was i supposed to do?

bear

I have noticed the phone calls from h now during the day are coming less and less.

H said last night he did not have to go into work early, so i left him sleeping for he did not ask me to wake him up. Ok,
I get a phone call as he is leaving for work, don't know what time it was. and in the conversation i get well my thereapy is rescheduled for 5 today. I like ok i guess we will be getting in around the same time. Get a oh, reply. What ever H. If you are home, you are home, I will be having dinner then i am going out to do some quick food shopping. I feel deep down, he is not at work today for i had to call him for something totally work related, nothing personal. There was not answer. I have to get thru to myself that this is his choice, he is doing this, not me.

Oh it should be interesting next week for three days our hospital is holding a training session for a new charting system. H is supposed to be here for three days of training. I wonder if he will even address the fact I am here. I wonder if he will walk over to my building or even ask me to lunch. My feeling is absolutely not. I cannot and will not get my hopes up. For i know he will make every excuse to avoid me. I does not hurt so much as it pisses me off.

Well be around later on

keep warm!

bear

I think i turned the tables on my H tonight. I got suck in a 5:30 meeting, over budget issues. When i spoke to h earlier i said we may be getting in around the same time which should be 6pm. Well i never got out of the meeting till 6:30pm

I had to do something in my office before i left, so i did not even think to call H. Figured why, all of a sudden i get a text message from h, are you ok. I did not reply. I got home h was eating leftovers (which i had no problem with) a plate was out for me. H says are you ok, i expected you to be home, i sent you a text. I took my phone out of my coat pocket looked at it and said, oh goodness i did not know you texted me, I got caught up in a meeting with bosses. He is like thats ok, figured you got suck at work.

Now part of me wished i was out doing something much more fun, but i was working. But i'm glad he maybe felt like i do some times when he says he will be home at a certain time and is not. He needed to know what that felt like. Did it or will it change anything, nope, I don't think so, but he needs this to happen to him once in awhile. Sorry if i sound bitter, maybe it is but i don't mean it to be that way , i am still stuck on the respect thing, its what it boils down to. I respect you h, you can respect me.

I am glad he wondered where i was. Is this a positive move, no i don't believe so.

well need to turn in early, have to go in early to get some work done.

hugs
bear

Just a quick journal note for me. I am beginning to dislike this whole situration

The job, i am beginning to really despise, I really am so lost with h now, i got the i'm going out again tonight, i will need to come back to work. I am so overwhelmed with so much right now, I just said to my boss, i wish someone would just fire me. I am drowning in this mess, both work and personal. I cann't quit with out a plan.

I wish i had my best friend to talk to, I wish he would be my friend. He used to make me see the good in the job, help me work thru things, but now i am on my own, alone and scared,

Well i need to leave to therapy, which lately i don't want to do anymore

bear

Now part of me wished i was out doing something much more fun, but i was working.

like what?

Well, I was thinking of cutting down therapy, all i seem to do is cry and feel worse about myself some times. At the end of the secession tonight she says to me, do you want to have an extra session next week. I was like no. Well call me if you feel you need one. God i feel like i am going backwards in everything instead of forwards.

So i took my red eyes, and went food shopping, does not sound glamours but its a like a health food specialty shop, so i walked around looking at all the stuff, pick out something for dinner, and other yummy items. I was just about to leave when i saw all the flowers, so i walked over and picked up two bunches of flower for me.

No one else will buy them for me so i did it for me. I did not go back to work as i planned i just could not do it. I don't have it anymore in me to fight , to fight for my job to fight for my marriage. So things need to change and i can only change them. I so wish i had my best friend to talk to about my job. But he is out with his girlfriend, or his other new friends. I feel like i am losing everything in all directions, no husband, no best friend. But only I can get myself out of this, and i need to I have to. It just hurts that in the past when h or i would have a really bad day, we would take each other out for dinner and a drink, place of their choice. Now i don't have that, he would rather be out with her.

I will and must take time on Tuesday to call for a lawyer. Even if i have to eat lunch at my desk and do it at that time. I did not just because of work get to fix the checking account issue, that will be done monday. I will allow the money to be transfered from savings to checking, each pay period, I realized that i am still saving the money, just every one in a while i will take a check with money from the checking account and put it back into savings. Pain in the butt, yes but i will do this.

Its time for me to really change me, the changes have happened, but not all of them.

So i came home, put my flowers in the vase, make my dinner, and poured myself a glass of wine. Its snowing out now in NJ, YUCK need spring and need it soon. Though its supposed to be like almost 60 on monday, by thurs we will all have pneumonia. LOL hope not.

Well i want to go back and watch some tivo, and drink my wine, snuggle with my cat, look at my flowers and try to forget today. I will either tomorrow or sunday have to go to work and not get paid. I think sunday, i need to just shut down and hybernate for the day tomorrow.

hugs to all
bear