Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Update to my sitch, the end has come

Mako it does sound like she is in denial if she's asking why she's there. I'm sorry honey, but prepare yourself. More than likely if she has that kind of mindset, as soon as she gets out she is going to go right back to the same 'drug-seeking' behavior. Do not be surprised if it happens....I'm so sorry to say this.

My H went through numerous rehabs (inpatient...outpatient), homelessness, jail, court-ordered rehab, court-mandated NA, medication.....the WHOLE THING before he FINALLY....FINALLY said "Enough is Enough!" I was at my wits end with him, his family would have nothing to do with him, he was never able to hold a job....he was a damn mess!

But once he decided that he was done...he was DONE! He went full steam ahead, went through terrible withdrawals, kicked and never looked back. In the 10 or so years that he's been clean he has NEVER relapsed. But that's not to say that he never will. He realizes that he will always be an addict and has to stay away from 'those people, places, and things' that trigger his addiction.

The programs that Donette mentioned above are wonderful at helping you understand just what the addict is going thru and how you can cope with loving an addict. They offer positive moral support and can help you learn to stay strong esp if your W decides to pick up again after rehab. Really check into the programs cuz it's hell trying to go thru this alone....trust me.

Take care of yourself...you and your W are in my prayers.

LJ

Fish,
You are right I cant completely cut the ties, I was still referring to the lingering emotional attachment I still have with her. Thats the part that drives me crazy, and everyone on the outside of this looks at me like "man, you are crazy how could you still feel ANYTHING for this woman?" I would be saying the same thing in their shoes, but I am not in their shoes, I'm in mine and I dont know why love still remains but dammit it still does. The ties to the children last forever, right now I am just fighting so that I can spend every day I can raising them, thats all I got.

LJ,

I am hoping she is on an up and down swing with the denial, my counselor commented that its common to waffle back and forth with those thoughts in the beginning of recovery. He also said that the fact that she is even talking about this with me is a sign that her defenses are being challenged but he also said its unclear if her psychological problems will EVER allow her to have a healthy conscious, in which case she will always be in some state of denial. He said this is how she has operated her entire life so she has farther to go to unlearn this. Its not like a 27 yr old that becomes addicted for the first time, its like a 5 yr old thats been addicted for 30 yrs and building defenses around it. I dont know, I dont have high hopes that she is isnt scheming how to jump right back into that life when she gets out, but thats on her.

Mako, your C is right....they may 'waffle back and forth'...hopefully she will decide that she really does want to get clean. Hard to say.

I know in my experience once H was able to talk freely to me about his addiction he said it developed from 'I wanna do this cuz it makes me feel good' to 'I NEED to do this in order to just feel NORMAL'. I guess the tolerance thing goes into affect after so many years of abuse...he did this for so long his body developed a tolerance, thus he needed more and more just to get to a state of 'normalcy'....not even close to getting 'high'. These are his words....

From what I understand, many of those afflicted with the disease of addiction usually have underlying psychological problems. Those problems must also be dealt with in addition to the addiction, cuz many times this is the root of the problem. If your W does not deal with whatever phychological problems she has, its likely she will continue to self-medicate to rid herself of the problems/pain she is suffering.



I have found this statement to be very true as well just from listening to my H talk about his problem. He has made many statements along these lines...."It didn't take long for me to get addicted but I spent years damaging my brain. It is going to take years for the damage to be undone. I understand that this might be a life-long struggle". He has said something like that to me many, many times.

I only speak out about this bcuz I suffered in silence along with my H for too many years. I would hate for someone else to have to endure the pain, disappointment, and disillusionment that I suffered. I feel for you, your W, and your children. I prayed for each of you last nite and continue to do so....

LJ

Thanks LJ, and I appreciate your prayers and thoughts. Before I ever learned that my wife is an addict and an alcoholic (and possibly a sex addict according to my C), we learned long ago that she has Bipolar II disorder, and she was diagnosed with ADD as a very young child. It started with Ritalin which she was prescribed at 7, then antidepressents throughout high school (and she was drinking and drugging as well). When the Bipolar diagnosis was given, about 5 years ago, she continued on antidepressents but was also prescribed Seroquel and klonopin for the mood swings. Who knows? Her dad was an alcoholic, perhaps the cards were always stacked against her.

Don't know Mako 'ma man....don't know. Probably though.

But...through all this how are you doing? What are you doing for yourself to help get you and your kids through this? I know you have to stay strong for your children but what are you doing to take of you? This is incredibly important...you gotta keep a positive attitude for the kids. I'm sure they are feeling the effects of your W addiciton and her absence.

LJ

Mako_man -

Your story is empowering. I look at the stuff I am going through and laugh at how it rates in the big picture and to yours. Your courage and persistence is admirable. Take care of your kids, take care of yourself, and above all else God Bless You.

It's important for all of us to realize that life isn't fair. We get dealt the cards that life throws at us and from there we just have to play it out.

Congrats on being so strong!

...because you are a strong supportive and loving H....you created a family with this woman...because you honor your word...because your are here means that you walked down the aisle, probably like many of us, 'til death do we part'. We didn't break stride with our emotional attachments. THEY DID. And this....forces us to travel down a path that we never wanted.

Mako....you....me....we can love someone deeply but that in itself doesn't mean that that the R is healthy or right for us. I don't say that you or I should simply abandon someone, but, I DO believe there is a point where it can become too destructive. My L is very much into studying the Bipolar aspects of spouse's and D. Sadly, she tells me that over 70% of M's involving a Bipolar S goes on to D. Is it right? Not sure. On the flip side, 30% don't. Those are probably the S's that have the strength and abililty to see their illness and want to stay healthy. They probably stay in IC and stay on meds.

THERE..is your real challenge....to know THAT. In the interim, you still must keep you and your girls safe. If you really DO love her, then you will have the patience of Job and get her help. I can tell you ONE THING for sure....your heart WILL tell you if or when you are 'done'. Stay strong. FIB

One of the real tough parts of this is my job, I have been working for the last 3 years as a stay at home support engineer for the last 3 years. I have been with the company for 12. Working from home has been tough because it gives me too much time to think, but hey, it is what it is. For the past month things have been super hectic with the kids, soccer for both older daughters Mon and Thurs nights, and saturday. I also have to get my 3 yr old to and from daycare each day. Tues is counseling sessions for daughters and myself. Friday is family fun night, last Friday my oldest had 3 of her friends over for a sleep over (I wont be doing that again any time soon!). I have not been able to get to the gym in 2 weeks, and remember I moved down here for the wife so I have no support system here outside of a few friends. The weather is turning nice though, maybe on weekends I can get my little boat cranked up and take the girls fishing like we used to do each weekend last summer. All of this leaves little time to and for myself but again, it is what it is and there is no use complaining because I definitely see an improvement in my daughters behavior since their mommy entered rehab, they are like me "at least mommy is safe". I will take that. Right now I am just trying to keep it all together and put some weight back on, lost 35+ lbs in last 8 months and cant really figure it out, eating habits have not changed drastically although I did start smoking again, and a pack/day at that. Lots of bad dreams too, almost every night, cold sweats and all that. My C says this will pass, it cant come soon enough.

Jaw, thanks for the kind words. You're right, life isnt "fair" by any stretch and no amount of Marine Corps training, personal diligence, or common sense could have prepared me for all of this but I thank God for my children for it truly does give me a purpose to move forward, without them it would have been so easy to have given up long ago (or turn to a bottle or needle myself).

FIB,

Yup. Thats what I am waiting for. There are many times recently when I finally lie my head down to sleep and think "I really am done and for good this time". At that moment I feel it and I wont lie to you, its a feeling if GREAT relief, not a feeling of sadness. However, I wake up and that feeling is gone, replaced with that ball of stress and anxiety that sits firmly in your gut, questioning my decisions, and my motives. I am told at one point that feeling WILL remain and be sustained, but its a natural progression, it just happens and everyone is different, so for me I obviously hold those attachments longer than some. But its not a selfish attachment, it is a feeling that I am simply honoring the vows I have taken, honoring God, honoring myself and my woman. Keeping a promise, under incredibly difficult circumstances, it just feels normal to me even if to outsiders it doesnt LOOK normal. I dont want to sound conceited and say "she is nothing without me" and that she cannot exist on her own, but I can assure you she doesnt have the tools that most other adults have, or she may have the tools but she doesnt have the will to walk a path of peace. She also has so many psychological barriers, and conciously created barriers to navigate on her own, I know she depends on me but I still maintain that the MOST important thing I can do is be there for my children, and its becoming apparent that I will always have to do that one on my own, so be it, I certainly will NEVER abandon them.

The key here...is that your W is seeking help...you post that she is in rehab. For me...for anyone...that is KEY. It says the most important thing of all...the your W RECOGNIZES that there is a problem. Hopefully, she will continue the help she gets after finishing.

I think when the M issues are beyond WAW and fall into true 'psychological' issues, the mainstay for reconciliation predominantly is the spouse's ability to try and help themselves, and, then, the LBS's ability to hold on and forgive.

Looks like you have the key elements here. As long as you are 'OK'.....hang in.

FIB