Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Meredith..your 5 years continuned.

Looking back I can see where I messed up. AND I think that is what makes me kinda sad because I have changed so much so much!!

Do I want it to go back..NO WAY!! I just had wanted to have a chance....thats all. You know..like people who do marriage counseling and WORK at things rather than do what my h did which is RUN away.

Yes, you do deserve better than that selfishness. Either some

And here in lay the problem with CZM...get to the frame of mind that I DESERVE BETTER. I just can not believe that i continue to refuse to see him for who he is. REALLY. I am being honest...so very very honest. I would LOVE to have a REAL man...more than you know. (not now..when it is time)

PLEASE do not fall into this trap! When I asked the question, I meant, "looking back, were YOU honestly fulfilled?" I think that in our crying over what we have lost, we conveniently forget that "oh yeah, it really wasn't so great." I am sad that your first response is to talk about how YOU messed up.

Did you happen to watch Dr. Phil today? It is the engagement series (Dr. Phil house). Watch it if you can (we have replays of today's show at night here...don't know if you do, too). He said some interesting things about what we are willing to sacrifice to be in a relationship, when really we should be wanting the best for ourselves.

So, let's keep this thread going. Mission: Make Cagzmom's realize her self worth.

My hero right now is one of my close friends. I say she is my hero because after a not so great marriage ended, she spent a long time doing some serious self-evaluation. She wanted to figure out why she didn't feel as if she deserved more that what her H gave her all those years (20+). It was not easy for her... this went against everything she had been thinking for the longest time.
She took time and journaled every single morning. At one point, she journaled about her "perfect" mate.

Of course you know that she did in fact find him. And he is treating her like gold. Every once in awhile she needs to remind herself that she deserves this. Of course, she has been honest with him about her fears. He understands. And THAT, my dear, is a real relationship, with a real man.

I guess my absence from this place was what prevented me from getting an invitation to the shark reunion? Seriously, I'm playing an avoidance game at work and wound up coming here and seeing Meredith and Pam's name!

Let me just tell everyone here that you're in good hands with my pals. They're both the bomb.

Mer, sometimes it seems like yesterday that we were shopping for valentines in the genre of "to my estranged husband". You just got yours back with the real, "new and improved" label!

You go, girls. And since I'm horribly, horribly late to the party, I love Pam's response today to Cagzmom. She's the bomb. Too bad none of us was this smart 5 years ago!

Cheers!

Betsey

BETSEY!

How nice to "see" you! I feel like I just went back in time...


I hope you will come around when you get the time. Of course, I will go back to being horribly outclassed by you and Mer, but, hey, I can handle it!

And Sweetheart, you NEVER need an invitation. You know that.



HA! I'll give you that and raise you this:

Too bad none of us were this HAPPY five years ago!

P.S. Get well soon, Meredith! I misssssssss you!!!!!!!!!!

You know, I still look back and see that as the most worthwhile endeavor I ever undertook for my own good! I'm glad it served a purpose for you both as well. It was such a difficult time in life and I don't ever wish to relive that time, but the lessons are just so damn invaluable that I can't help but be grateful.

You could never be outclassed here, Pam. If you're going to ask Cagzmom to see her own self worth, then I'm just going to have to hold your feet to the fire too.

I couldn't agree with you more on the happy comment! However, you both realize that the result was the just reward for doing some very, very tough self analyzation and work, right? I wouldn't trade it for the world. Even my marriage. We paid a very high price, but some things are worth the money and this is one of them. For all of you who are newer at this kind of stuff, I swear that life does get better. But you have to work through all of this to make it all worthwhile.

I remember sitting in front of my C when this all went down. He told me that I better learn from the past. Since it appeared as though I was the only one truly miserable, I asked what was in it for me. I still remember the look on his face as he said, "The reward is that once you learn the lessons, you'll never have to go back and re-visit them again. Isn't that hopeful enough for you?" It seemed like some sorry consolation gift at the time. But I see now that he was right.

Time to head home and throw something on the table before taking D14 to religious ed. Probably PBJs, since I'm dog tired. Whoever told me that the hardest physical part of raising kids was the toddler phase was dead wrong. It's teenagers. I definitely can't keep up with them!

Now, I also need to go find a sports bar close to church. D11 can eat french fries while I go cheer on my beefed up, recovering hockey team. Hopefully, happy things will be in store for me in Calgary.

TTFN and I'll be back...

Betsey

The problem for me when I look back is I was pretty happy. REAL happy..BUT yes there are wonderful blessings that have come from him not being in my life (as messed up as that is). Not living with a manipulator and liar #1. AND I do NOT mean that in a mean way. He has admitted --- that is who he has become. His words "i have become the master manipulator..." What I thought was real for 20 years has now been told to me was not so. However, it seems such a farse...as I never know what is truth and what isn't.



Yes flaw #1 when I love evidentally I give up what is good for me....


It has been a search - let me tell you! I can tell you that today I CAN tell you good things about me. AND I am gaining little strides here and there. Old habits die hard you know??

to the frame of mind that I DESERVE BETTER. I just can not believe that i continue to refuse to see him for who he is. REALLY. I am being honest...so very very honest. I would LOVE to have a REAL man...more than you know. )

Amen CZM amen!
E

Cagz--I know you have great mentors here and I applaud you for working on the tough issues that face you. Go you!

It's a fine line to walk the path of self analysis and using the information to form some semblance of self awareness vs. self castigation and assessing blame (which you undoubtedly have assigned most to you, would that be correct?). I used to fall into this trap often myself. I would tell myself that I was really happy when I know I wasn't, and then I'd wonder how on earth he could have been so miserable and not talk about it? I'd identify all the red flags and then beat myself up for not pressing the issues when we were living together under the same roof.

Five years later, I still think about this stuff from time to time. I wonder what the truth really was, but in the final determination it really doesn't matter. What mattered is that I showed up to fight the good fight and decided to focus on the things that I could ultimately control or fix. None of them required him to show up, you know? I worked on my control issues and honestly, Meredith, Pam and I held each other accountable for making those changes on a daily basis. Sometimes it was tough to hear their comments, but in the end, I knew that we were doing each other right in the grand scheme of things.

So, right now "the truth" is where you sit at this very moment. Your truth is facing you in the mirror. You can change what you control and nothing else. If you could focus squarely on those issues and commit to changing those things for one purpose and one purpose ONLY--because you WANT to change and not because it's what he or everyone else thinks you should do. I promise you that it's the key to your own happiness, and once you unlock that door, there's no stopping you.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't obtain feedback from others as you go forward. True friends will be honest with you and you'll gain insight as you make those changes. But ultimately, your own self worth hinges on the goals you set for yourself and then holding yourself accountable in meeting them.

One of the things that used to be very prevalent on this BB way back when was the suggestion of making small goals and then recording the data as a means to see if those goals were worthwhile. I honestly wonder why there is not more help nowadays?

For instance, if identifying and supporting your own self worth is truly a goal for yourself, how do you break this rather broad mission down into truly bite-sized and achievable chunks? We can definitely help you here, but I think it would be a beneficial exercise to undertake... I think you might be able to see where you need help and support, where you are already strong and where you need a good dose of a$$ whooping.

One hint:



Um, we could start here? It might need to begin with some thoughts on why you place others needs on a pedestal and then give your voice away to the lowest bidder? There are a lot of great boundaries that you could make and we could help you work on strategies to enforce them.

I'd love to hear more about what you feel is good about you! Do share and let's help you focus on the positive. What you focus on expands... so make sure you're focusing on the GOOD in you and everyone else will see it. Maybe not the bozo you married, but why give one person in 100 all the power of the group?

Back to the task I'm working on avoiding!

Betsey

p.s. Meredith, I hope you're feeling better!

I just found this thread and I must say.....What GREAT advise is offered here. Thanks!

Boundaries...you know at 41 I am just learning about them. What is and isn't good for me. You know what the first boundary in my life was? (ok that I can remember) It was in September when H started talking with OW again. I said that I would be his friend and help him through his stuff on 2 conditions no ow and go to counseling. WELL HE CHOSE HER AND QUIT counseling. This is suppose to be better for me....yet I lost my husband.



Yes he has held ALL the power! ALWAYS. That I do see now.

What is good about me?
I am the most loyal person I have ever met.
I am actually pretty good with money (it wasn't me afterall)
I am half way decent looking.
I am a good mom.

Thats where I have gotten today. December of 07 I would have only said that I was loyal.