WOW! Now that I looked up the initials I'm smiling! I've been saying MLC for awhile now! He is 58 years old. I am 49. Where would be a good place to learn more about MLC?
M: ten years BS23, BS17 Step-SS20, SS16, SS14 Separated: August 07
Jeff, I've been doing the blending into the woodwork since the separation. I am actually the one who left the home, thinking it would be just long enough for us to work out some house rules. His kids run amuck (with the law, etc.) and yet, he was screaming at my son for missing a dish in the dishwasher. What he wanted from us (even his own kids) was muddied for me and I just wanted to establish some rules so we could function together as a family.
May I add that we had counseling beforehand. Anytime we discussed the more serious issues with him, he stormed out mad.
M: ten years BS23, BS17 Step-SS20, SS16, SS14 Separated: August 07
The night I left it was because he and two of his kids were beating on my son, BTW. This wasn't just an arguement over dinner not being hot when he came home.
M: ten years BS23, BS17 Step-SS20, SS16, SS14 Separated: August 07
Read MLC for Dummies first, at least you will laugh, and probably cry!
Is your son with you? It sounds like with H would be a really bad idea. I wish I had good advice, I haven't read enough to say MLC, see what you think after you look at some of that stuff!
It was a slow process. He used to be such a wonderful husband. We based our marriage on the Lord and attended church and followed Biblical principals. He no longer has a heart for that and even said to me two days ago that his PRIDE is keeping him from even trying.
So, in answer to your question, I can't pinpoint when he became as defensive as he is today because it was a slow process. Sadly, while still living at home I was so depressed over the kids situation and my H is also a workaholic that I was comatose. It's only since leaving that I've been able to clear my head and see things for what they were.
M: ten years BS23, BS17 Step-SS20, SS16, SS14 Separated: August 07
Read the MLC stuff! I am no expert, but I have read a lot of thread, and hug a lot! Virtually, anyway! I have to go shopping, but I will make sure I check your thread later.
Yes. The night I left, my son had been thrown out of the house. I went to my mom's home (she is not living there) and the next day, my pastor's wife told me to find my son. He's been with me ever since and I must say, he is doing better than he's done in his whole life!!! He has Asperger's Syndrome. My H says that means he has no feelings. That is not true! My son has only known my H as his father and misses him terribly. He feels his own dad has rejected him.
There is a lot to this story. I really appreciate the questions because I'm in such a whirl that I can't even think what you guys need to know in order to help.
I'm going to check out that site now! THANK YOU! I'm loving the hugs! I'm loving all of this! It is so wonderful to be able to talk with people who don't feel divorce is an option!
M: ten years BS23, BS17 Step-SS20, SS16, SS14 Separated: August 07
Where is Hope - as I mentioned on your other thread it's good to keep things all on one thread so people can follow you. Here are the posts from your other thread:
Quote:
From Where Is Hope:
My husband doesn't say very much as to why he thinks it will never work out. This is what he DOES say and I'm hoping that some of you can give me some insight becuase I have no clue!
1. He doesn't want to tell me everything he feels because it will hurt me too much. 2. He listed himself on two singles sites because he just wanted to "look" at what is out there. 3. I didn't cook enough vegetables in his meals. 4. I didn't get up early enough in the morning. (I was up at 7AM after staying up until midnight because he went to sleep early and his kids were doing whatever they wanted. Plus, he had indicated to me that he liked the "alone time" for a half an hour) 5. I didn't manage the house. He gave me full control and I didn't take care of the kids. (I called him all the time about his unruly kids, he would say "just tell them to do it" and they wouldn't and now I'm the bad guy they hate!")
So these are the things he is saying this week. He shut off my cell phone, shut off my gas card. I've worked for him the ten years of our marriage and now need to find another job. It went from a $40,000 a year business to a $670,000 a year business. I have a management background. He "fired" me for one day this week and couldn't handle it and asked me to come back. I WANT to help him! I don't want his business to fail!
All week he's been telling me about HIS future without me and how he's going to sell the house and move to the business property. (there is a duplex there. I am moving to another one of our rentals) The financial burden will be on him, yet he continues on full well knowing I've been wanting to put our marriage back together! I'll cook vegetables and get up a half an hour earlier! But I really don't think that is the point!
What is going on?
Quote:
Reply from NikB:
Hey - just a quick tip for you, it's much better if you keep all your posts on one main thread. That way it's easy for people to keep up with your sitch, background, etc.
With that caveat.. I have not read your other threads but here are my thoughts on this one.
Quote: My husband doesn't say very much as to why he thinks it will never work out.
Quit asking!! You're causing him to focus on this and think of as many reasons as possible.
Quote: 1. He doesn't want to tell me everything he feels because it will hurt me too much.
I heard this one a lot too. He's probably right. He cares enough to not want to hurt you more, that's a good sign.
Quote: 2. He listed himself on two singles sites because he just wanted to "look" at what is out there.
You two are separated, right? Sounds like he's wanting to start dating but who knows. You have no control over any of that though so do what you can to stop thinking about it.
Quote: 3. I didn't cook enough vegetables in his meals.
This is the one that made me say he's coming up with as many things "wrong" as possible!! People don't leave a happy, healthy marriage over vegetables. There is (obviously) far more going on than this.
Quote: 4. I didn't get up early enough in the morning. (I was up at 7AM after staying up until midnight because he went to sleep early and his kids were doing whatever they wanted. Plus, he had indicated to me that he liked the "alone time" for a half an hour)
Also sounds pretty trivial... and doesn't matter at all right now if you are separated.
Quote: 5. I didn't manage the house. He gave me full control and I didn't take care of the kids. (I called him all the time about his unruly kids, he would say "just tell them to do it" and they wouldn't and now I'm the bad guy they hate!")
This one I'd say DOES have some merit to it. Sounds like you had some parenting disagreements, particularly regarding the stepkids? So, what things can you change about this that would make you a better parent to them? Doesn't mean you can necessarily "demonstrate" it right now, but just think about that one and how things could be different.
Quote: It went from a $40,000 a year business to a $670,000 a year business. I have a management background. He "fired" me for one day this week and couldn't handle it and asked me to come back. I WANT to help him! I don't want his business to fail!
Contact an attorney and find out your rights here - please!! It doesn't mean you're moving forward with anything, but arm yourself with the knowledge. If you are in fact separated but seeing each other at work, make sure you're happy, upbeat, and NOT bringing up the R/M around him.
Quote: All week he's been telling me about HIS future without me and how he's going to sell the house and move to the business property. (there is a duplex there. I am moving to another one of our rentals)
If you don't want to continue to hear these things you can ask him not to discuss it around you, tell him calmly and peacefully "H I'd rather not discuss that right now." or something. You only need to discuss logistics, not hear all about his new fantasy life.
Quote: The financial burden will be on him, yet he continues on full well knowing I've been wanting to put our marriage back together!
Because he doesn't WANT to put it back together right now. Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? I'd read that as soon as possible.
Quote: I'll cook vegetables and get up a half an hour earlier! But I really don't think that is the point!
You're right there, for sure. What do you think is ACTUALLY wrong in the R? Those are the things to figure out and fix the ones you have control over.
Quote:
Reply from Where is Hope?
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!! This is all really good stuff and I'm sorry I used two threads! I didn't mean to confuse...I'm just not used to doing this. I was on a step-mom website for years and they've still been there for me but it's organized differently.
YES, the kids are truly the issue. But he doesn't acknowledge that. His oldest son molested his half-sister at the BM's house 5 years ago. He has a lot of emotional intimacy with him that I didn't understand until going through this process. Now the younger two boys are using drugs and failing school. This has only happened AFTER I left the home. I towed the line with them because I love and care for them! But it was a constant fight between me and my H.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
