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Good job tonight Treese, but isn't oh so hard??



My H has said these same words to me many many times. That she has done nothing wrong. That she is not the issue here.

Well maybe she is not THE issue, but she is still AN issue.

We were having sex (ALOT) the first 6-7 months since the bomb. Then it stopped and there has been no physical contact what so ever since. He doesn't even get close enough to me to touch him.

"Question of the night.....YR, SF, Snodderly,DH, whoever wants to answer...Did your H's ever tell you it has nothing to do with OW, that you will just have to accept it and move on..that he doesn't feel like hugging you"

No, I do not remember H ever saying this at all. What was said in the beginiing is that this affair had nothing to do with me. And yes, it did get to a point when they do stop being close to you i.e. being intimate, touching, etc.

Yea, H and I had sex a lot after I found out about the A...Then 6 months later I got the ILYBINILWY speech, then nothing..no hugs, nothing...he would pull his shoulder in if he walked by me..I often wonder if it is the OW who is telling them not to touch us...or if they are afraid they might actually feel something for us and that would defeat their purpose of wanting out...who knows...maybe I go back to school to study getting in to the mind of a MLCer..hmmmmmmmmm

Well, no school for us today...and since I work at the school, I'm home again...woohoo!!!love my job....never giving it up...

I really felt good last night when I went to bed..I felt like I finally did something right....

oh, and, I thought him leaving was hard, and it was but this acting as if is soooo draining...smiling when you want to cry..wow...it takes a lot out of you even in an hours time..

Treese

Treese,

I've just recently started posting but have followed several of the threads on this board for a while. So....hello!

Yes, my H has told me many times that "this has nothing to do with OW." "I would have left even if she was never in the picture." "I've been unhappy for years."

Oh, please! She is just a symptom, yes, but he is such a procrastinator, so passive, so conflict avoidant, and stuck so close to home that I really, really doubt he would have ever gone looking for an affair. But when she saw him every day at his office and took advantage of that to throw herself at him, well, yeah, she fit in very neatly to his MLC. From what I saw, he didn't think of himself as being miserably unhappy until she came along tell him how miserably unhappy he was. He even said in letters to her (I saw when he still lived at home) that it was "only through talking with her that he saw the problems in his marriage and how he deserved more." Blech.

Dude, don't ya think that maybe, just maybe, she had her own agenda for makin' ya think that????

Geesh! Where are these guys heads??? No, wait, don't answer that! LOL! I almost bust out laughing when my psychiatrist, who is a very devout Christan husband and father, said that a lot of problems happen cause men can only think with one head at a time, and right now my H is thinking with the wrong one!

My H and I continued to have a great sex life for a couple of months after the bomb, but nothing after he moved out. He has hugged me once or twice since he moved out, but mainly because I asked and he felt....guilty? sorry for me?

I'm not sure why it is that they can't touch us, even casually or accidentally. Cooties? Maybe. Disgust at us? Disgust at themselves?

Honestly? Sometimes I think it's because touching us or having any feelings toward us would mean unfaithfulness to the OW. Isn't that sick?

Or it could just be basic dislike. Right now they think we are the root of all their problems. They don't like us. Do you want someone you don't like (a problematic coworker or neighbor, for instance) touching you?




Yes, this is exactly how I feel right now. Actually, I'm at the point right now where it's almost a relief when he leaves. I can let my guard down again. I hate feeling nervous in my own home when he's here, and I hate feeling nervous around the person that I shared EVERYTHING with for 21 years. <sigh> Actually, I hate ALL of this.

Why, hello to you too tpaschal;

My H, same thing...he wasn't unhappy until she entered the picture..she is a friend of ours from 20 years ago who has kept in contact with him..it went from one meeting to another and you know where it went from there...I had a hysterectomy right before all this started...they say sometimes that has a lot to do with it..we had 5 surgeries that year between the two of us..


I told H that she is probably lying to him also...of course he's "in love" right now so whatever I say is crap...OW got divorced in December so I'm sure she is filling his head with all the stuff they want to hear and how bad of a person I am and how unhappy he is...yep, I've gone from 10, 7, to 5, and back to 23 years of unhappiness....even his mom who doesn't know about OW says this is crap...that it just has to be something in the past year and a half...yep, she's right the OW....

I don't even ask for hugs now, sometimes though I think maybe he would like to give me one but doesn't know how to go about it or he thinks that I will think that there's a chance between us if he does..he used to say if he smiled at me that I think we are okay...I so didn't think that...he's in another world all together, a changed man, and she is controlling his life...his children have even taked a back burner..how sad is that..
He was my best friend, I told him everything, now he is gone..I don't tell him anything about the kids, he can ask, but since he hasn't called me in 3 weeks it's kind of hard to talk to him..I will not give in, not now...I've come to far...even though it's been such a short time...I have talked to him every day for 29 years and I went cold turkey..a 180..

I do get nervous when he comes to the house, why, who knows, am I afraid I will screw up, probably, but after the first couple of minutes and I can see his mood, then I can relax...

Do you have children? How long has your H been gone?

I'm hoping he sees all this,and I have changed, learned, I am a new person, really....and I like it...

Only time and God will know what is going to happen...but I do hope he comes home..He is the love of my life, I hope he finds his way out...

Treese

Hi Treese,

Sounds like you did a great job last night!

Try to keep that going for your car ride this weekend. I just had a 7 hr. ride up and 7 hr. ride back with my H last weekend. I didn't even have to get out my ipod or book. We talked about the kids (as much as you can right in front of them), we talked about the scenery. It's really not that hard to avoid R talks when the kids are in there with you. Pretend like he is just a good friend you are riding with.

Keep up the "as if" and good luck!

Well, at least your H's OW is age appropriate! LOL! (I know, it's kinda crazy that I even think of that as something to be grateful for, and I don't REALLY mean it in that way.) It's just that my H is involved with a manipulative 22 yr. old ho. He's old enough to be her father (a teenage father,sure, but seriously, he and I have been together since we were 18), and she's more a contemporary of our teenage daughter than of H! It's really gross.




Yep, I've done all the DB no no's of putting down the OW, telling H some of the things she's said and done, but H wants to hear none of it. Calls me a liar. He's so in luuuuv. I don't know what it takes for them to wake up and see the truth, I guess it's different in every situation, but I'm afraid my H never will. He's so proud and arrogant and has such a hard time admitting mistakes that I think even if he ever did come to his senses he might not ever be able to admit it.



My H is doing/saying these EXACT same things.




I know exactly how you feel. Yes, 3 kids. He's been gone 1 year and 1 week as of today. <sigh>

I don't know that I am a new person yet. Still trying. I'm at the point where I KNOW I need to take the focus off of him, off of what he's done, off of his perfect fantasy life with OW, and put my focus on ME. Practice makes perfect......and all that, right? I've been praying so much for him, now I need to focus on the changes God is making in ME.

TPaschal

Treese,
My xh told me that it wasn't anything I had done or said that lured him away from me at all to the ow. He said it was all about him and what he needed to do make himself happy. One thing you have to remember, they can't see the forest for the trees and are so darn emotional that they don't know which end is up and will use any excuse to get us off their backs. They couldn't tell the truth if it bit them during the crisis. So, take what he says with a grain of salt and let it go. It's nothing personal towards you. I know, it can be very hurtful, but you are the closest to his heart, therefore, you are the one that gets the bs all of the time.

I do hope your daughter is feeling better soon. Gosh, that's got to be very uncomfortable for her.

Enjoy your weekend and keep your book handy for quick reading on the trip.

Treese, you sound strong!
I like the new Treese!

I'm glad you saw some baby steps from H the other day. Now is the time for patience. It can be a long, long road. Patience.


In case it needs repeating, THEY ALL SAY THIS. I am right now accused of 22 straight years of abuse! Twenty two years of it, she says! She was somehow blinded by it for the first 21 years. Maybe it was all the mind-control tricks I played on her!

It ain't you, Treese. It's him. It's not you. Don't believe one bit of it.

The other night I took my kids to watch a movie, The Spiderwick Chronicles. It was pretty good. There's a high-tension scene towards the end where the little boy stabs someone. It's a surprise because the person looks like a friend, but is not. It was really the beasty, in disguise. The boy knew somehow.

That's how we ought to think about these MLCers. When they say it is 23 years of bad - It's the beasty talking. You must know that. You must be certain of it.

Can I tell you something? - I had my kids the other day and they were spontaneously recalling fond memories of the old days. Spontaneously I tell you. These kids are 9,11,12 years old. They remember it as fun, adventurous, together, joyous, funny, silly, playful, enjoyable. They remember it! This is what keeps me bouyed in the dark hours. When I hear the kids' words, I know the truth. I know that when W says she endured 22 years of torture and abuse, it is the beasty. My kids don't see it that way. I don't see it that way. My wife is possessed by an alien. I'm not believing her BS.

Sir;

I am learning all to fast not to believe a word that comes out of his mouth..23 years of unhappiness, and he told my daughter this...that would mean he wasn't happy when any of my children were born..why would you say that to your child...he's nuts...he looks like crap, at least to me...and he barely talks to the kids anymore...here is what my daughter said to me last night and it made me cry....

She is 15 and she said, "if dad is happy without us in his life then it is his loss, we, the 4 of us now, can build our new life together because some day it is going to come back and bite him in the butt, and it will be too late...we are going to be okay and he is the loser in all this". I told her it's in God's hands now, we just have to take it one day at a time. God love her...sometimes God talks through the kids and they deliver the message loud and clear..it will be his loss, he has already missed out on things..I wouldn't want to miss out on any memories that include my children..they are my life...

I cried for my kids last night because they are the ones who don't understand a lot of this...dad just dropped out of their lives in an instant..only comes around when he feels it necessary..pretty soon they won't care if he's there or not..we had issues getting pregnant and I had 3 miscarriages...so his unhappiness can be shoved right up his a**..He sure didn't seem to unhappy at the time we were trying...jerk...

I am ready Peter O'Connors book on Mid Life Crisis and it is very good...I see so much of my H in it..

Tomorrow I travel to volleyball with H and the kids...I'll be fine...I'll treat him as if I'm with a friend...bring a book and just smile...of course, he still has today to back out...I'll keep you posted..

Sir, hang in there...your wife sounds like she's gone off the deep end..who in the world would keep having kids with the person she is accusing of abuse...your kids sound great...and they love you...the courts will see right through your W....and you have such a great attitude...

(((hugs)))

Treese