Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives There and Back: finding my feet #9

hey all,

rough couple of days. I ended up shoveling on sunday...took me a few tries and each try took a toll on me...really wiped me out...but I did it. I'm still exhausted from it. which irritates me to no end because I am past done with being sick. I do NOT do sick well. I take that back, I do, but then I just expect myself to recover on my own terms. like, okay, flu, I'll give you x number of days then its time to LEAVE because I have things to do already.

had therapy today, which was about as much as I could do (that and shuttling the kids to/from school). the good thing about therapy is that even though I was not in the mood for it...really feeling negative/weak/annoyed/etc...I came out feeling better. my ic helped me realize that I need to get back to listening to what my body needs and stop trying to control/dictate things that are beyond my control. and she's right, of course. so trying to be better about that.

so I already feel like I'm in a better place again. and I am getting stronger every day, so even though it isn't on my timeframe, at least I am seeing progress, so all is good.

hope everyone is doing well.

So nice to see you are back in the land of the living Sally. Don't push yourself too hard.

yeah, saffie, that's the hardest part, isn't it? not pushing? I've been doing a lot of thinking on that and why I push myself and such. but I also seem to realize my limitations this time around and am doing a better job of accepting them.

okay, on to other news. I have come to realize that one of the hardest things for me to do is to let another person, my h in particular, to own his sadness/pain without trying to take it on myself/fix it. I've talked to my therapist about this a lot over the past couple of months, and I've definitely come a long way, but it far from natural.

for instance, on sunday h called from vegas (he was there on business) and I had just finished shoveling...literally was a puddle on the laundry room floor when he called. he sounded distressed and very very quiet for a bit. he talked to the kids, then I got back on the phone and he was bawling. literally just falling apart. I was surprised, asked what was wrong, he just said he missed the kids.

fast forward to last night. he came over to see the kids and when he got here he came to see me immediately. I was sitting on the playroom floor trying to make heads or tails out of the place, and we talked for a bit, then he just started shaking/crying/sobbing again. turns out he just felt like a total heel/rotten ass for not being here to take care of me/shovel for me. I think its more than the weekend thing...I think he is really coming to terms with his actions over the last year +. I just do not know what to do with the pain...I don't want him to be hurting, as crazy as that sounds. but I now know its for him to deal with, so finally I just held him for a bit. he broke down sobbing over and over again that he was so sorry, for everything, that I will never know how sorry he is for all that he's done, etc, etc, etc. And I guess my progress is that I just held him and said, "thank you for saying that."

so I didn't take his pain from him, I let him have it, but I did what I needed to do and did offer some comfort at the same time.

still, I ache for him. I know that seems twisted after all he has put me thru, but I do.

I talked to him about IC again, and asked if he had found someone. he hasn't yet, but we talked about some stratagies of finding the right person and such, and hopefully he will. His choice/his work to do. that right there, again, is huge for me. last summer I would have been on the computer finding someone for him.

anyway, just wanted to share. its all so hard, isn't it? Figuring this all out. keeping true to who I am while at the same time accepting who he is and letting him be that person, good or bad.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately...some sad anniversaries are coming up. I'm dealing with/processing them, but I am seeing they are likely hard for him, too.

at the same time I am being careful about not letting myself read into these breakdowns he keeps having. I still sooo want the sobbing "I'm sorrys" to mean he is ready to change course and try again. but really, all they are at this point are expressions of regret. nothing more, nothing less.

still, I'll tell you guys, it sure was nice to hear him say that he was sorry, that I didn't deserve any of this. because I didn't. and 6 months ago I kept hearing about all of this was my fault...affair and all. I knew it wasn't my fault (although yes, I do know/acknowledge/accept my issues in the marriage), but still nice to hear from him.

okay, enough babbling. see, I must be feeling better.

Sally...I struggle with this too

it is hard to let them own their own stuff

i think mine has come frombeing bullheaded...i want it fixed and if they aren't then I guess I will.

it is so hard for me to not accept responsiblity for things that aren't my fault...like if someone is hurt because they can't do whatever...it isn't my JOB to make it better

ugh

Wow! What I wouldn't have given for a I'm sorry! It no longer seems important although I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to hear. I won't and thankfully I no longer wish for it.

I do think you are wonderful in how you are handling dealing with him.

Giving him his space and allowing him his feelings. Not trying to fix it for him. What a wonderful person you are.

Hope you get well quickly.

fig, I'm pretty bullheaded too. maybe that is part of it. lol.

pam, I'll tell you, it was NICE to hear. I have heard sorry (even sincere ones) off and on. but this just seemed to come with such realization on his part about the hurts that he has caused me. again, my job is to not read more into it...now that is hard to do...and while I'm not perfect at that, at least I recognize it, so that is something.

something else I've recognized today...I actually am happy that he is sad. I don't think I realized it, but I've been forced to slow down and that has made me think more. I am happy he is sad. because it makes sense to me...its logical to me that he would be. I still hate that he is in pain, but glad that he is at the same time. that is an interesting thing to admit to myself.

I don't mean I'm glad in a "vendetta" way. I guess I just mean I think its an emotion he should feel, given all that has gone on. and yeah, there is the part of me that thinks if he deals with it/goes thru it/feels it, we have a better chance of still working things out. that might be delusional, who knows. but I guess to me its a step at least. even if it turns out not to be a step towards us, it still feels like progress.

so there is some real honesty with my afternoon tea

I agree. He would need to feel sad for what he has done or it wouldn't be real I don't think.

Sally,
Your grace and compassion is incredible. I cannot imagine that your actions of late will not have a positive impact on your sitch...if only that H is more likely to place nice in the divorce settlement.

Interesting, but I have been faced with a somewhat similar sitch in that my FIL has been in ICU for the past several days. He has been declining for some time (he's 82 and a physical mess), nevertheless, W has been taking it hard. I find myself having to listen to her fears and listening to her cry.

I guess this is what detachment really feels like. That you can have sympathy for your WAS without feeling the anger/frustration at what they have done to you and your family.

Feels good, doesn't it!

Take care, SD

Sally,

How are you doing?

thanks sd. and saffie, for checking in. sd, hope your fil is doing better.

not sure how graceful I feel right now. I'm downright sad, to tell you all the truth. apparently I am so sentimental even sad anniversaries knock me for a loop. but I am letting the river flow. guessing the anniversary of the bomb will be a lot like our wedding anniversary was. I need to just let myself feel it/process it, then will be able to move on.

It hasn't helped because the whispers of possible change that h has hinted at over the last month and a half have grown in my own mind. I did something yesterday that really surprised me...I e-mailed him and told him I was sad right now about things. I haven't shared my feelings in a long time. I thought about what I was trying to gain by telling him that, about what I was hoping to accomplish. and finally I just figured it was something I needed to say to him. i didn't add judgement or accusations, just stated it as fact. He wrote back that he was sad, too. progress for me is that I didn't fire back a bunch of judgements at him...about how these are his choices, etc, etc.

I think it helped me just to state this to him as fact. I think it will help me start letting him go again, to start moving on. He is sad, but he isn't changing anything...I see that clearly. I am sad, and only have control over my own life, and being happy means moving on to a new life instead of wallowing in what isn't anymore.

didn't help that S6 started his advanced math class yesterday. they had to count all their family fingers/toes/arms/legs/etc. the number he came up with only included me, him, and his brother and sister. he left h out of it. I didn't say anything at the time, but when h came over he told h all about it and h just about lost it. I asked s6 why he didn't include daddy, and he said he was only supposed to include people who lived here.

wow.

h started breaking down, and I ran for target. wow. just so matter of fact. its true.

h and I talked about it a bit later once I was home and the kids were in bed. h is sad, I am sad. but that is life right now. we both need to come to accept it, because these are the results of h's choices.

ugh.

other stuff...am busy like a bee getting ready for the twins b-day party. I'm an idiot, I really should have had it at a "place" instead of here at the house. who knew everyone could come? and not only everyone, but a handful of older siblings as well? I'll have 20 kids (and their parents) here on sunday. think of me...offer me cyber strength. I'm going to need it! lol.