Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Fish - Piecing

Jen - I need a woman's point of view.

We had a romantic dinner, with a few make out sessions. I feel a great sense of sadness today that the person that I feel I am destined to spend my life with wants to take things slow after 7 years of marriage and a child. It felt so right last night for both of us.

I feel W wants to be pursued, but I don't want to push her away.

What should I do?

I am now more confused than ever!

Fish

I'm not sure I'm the best one to give advice since I'm new to all this.

I think you need to continue with what you've been doing. Don't get too close to her but don't let her feel you're not interested in her.

I wouldn't "pursue" her though as it might push her away. Date her without being too touchy feely. Compliment her hair or what she's wearing.

When you spend time with her and D this weekend play it cool and play with your D (you know how much a 6-7 year old loves to play!!) and that'll show your wife how devoted you are to your D. What woman doesn't love a dad who gives his time to his children?

Follow Ws lead. You know her better than anyone.

Fish - this will continue on the email that I had sent you so that others can see what I am trying to communicate.

In regards to "being the man" - being the man has different connotations for all people. Keep my sitch in mind - I thought that being the man was the media created role. The reality is the man is someone whom provides for his wife and children, whom creates a space of safety and support, whom can demonstrate great strength and great compassion without effort or remorse, whom loves without fear.

Being a man has nothing to do with control, direction, or manipulation. Maybe Dom will drop in on this thread and offer more on this, but I think that many of the men in this forum are guilty of the same offense and that is following this stylizied version of manhood. What has that gotten us all??? Seperation potential divorce pain...

So what is being a man in your sitch based on your comments above? First show great strength and compassion but hearing what she is saying! This is greatly different than listening... you need to hear her cues both direct and indirect. And then you act upon them. She wants you to show strength and compassion. Strength in letting this process matriculate naturally and not forcing the progress. Compassion in understanding that your entire family is undergoing stressful change and flux and being able to support and navigate the stress and support the unit.

Next providing for your wife and children is so much more than financial provision! It is providing social, spiritual, and emotional support. In your case she is telling you indirectly that she has some issues that she is trying to understand in her life and she is confused as to how you and your marriage fit. So how do you provide? You pick up the loose ends and do not allow her to feel guilt that you have created. You provide an environment for her growth which will create internal growth in your heart. Remember that I was dealing with similar issues including OM. So, I provided for my kids by creating normalcy and did not throw it back in her face like we are all apt to do and you have done! I created a situation where I provided security for her without telling her by supporting her need for self discovery. Finally I provided for all of us by facing my own demons and fighting them head on!

Create a space for her which is completely safe and supportive! You can only do this by following what all of us have told you! Don't push pressure or manipulate anything right now. Be available to her, but don't pursue. Support her concerns and success equally and without blame or guilt!

I get so pissed when I hear people tell me that being a man is this media created person who controls everything. That is far from manhood! UGH - sorry for the rant but you struck a cord for me on this one.

You know what to do... the key is to do it!

Let her drive the train man. Don't screw up. Your doin great!

Fish, I have never posted to you but I have followed your story. First I want to say CONGRATULATIONS!

I am not sure your wife wants to be pursued. She told you that she wanted to move slow. She told you not to bombard her with texts or phone calls. Don't smother her. Let her miss you when you are not with her. Don't be overbearing. Don't try to control the situation. Your W knows what you want. It took you time to adjust to the idea of getting a D...give her time to adjust to the idea of reconciliation. Just as she was probably months ahead of you on the idea of D, you are probably months ahead of her on the idea of reconciling.

I have found that patience is the hardest part of all this. However, it is a necessity. Again, let her miss you.

Good news and a really good night. I agree with the don't push thing. Send her a very simple card in the mail, no flowers or anything. Simply tell her she looked beautiful and you enjoyed the evening. What woman doesn't want a little compliment and a little romance? No declarations of love, hope for the future or anything along that line. I think back to the little notes I would send my husband when I was dating and that's what I would do. I didn't want to talk about the future or push anything, I just wanted to validate what we felt/did on a certain day and let him know that I cared.

And I think klm's quote"Just as she was probably months ahead of you on the idea of D, you are probably months ahead of her on the idea of reconciling" is spot-on. Let her catch up to you.

And, congrats!

heh.. ok, since you asked

I think being "the man in a woman's life" means.. .whatever that woman wants it to mean.

as you said, [many women] what a man who creates a sense of safety and support.
But not all women do. and some women change their minds as to what they want in a man. Sometimes, multiple times in their lives!

best you can do, is just try to pay attention to what she wants now, i reckon.

Fish! That is good news.

I think you are right, in a sense, that she wants to be pursued. BUT, she wants to be pursued at her speed! And that is in slow motion. So, for practical purposes, no pursuit! Let her lead, don't get even a half step in front of her!

Fish - I amend my previous post to reflect what that wise Dom has added.... we must all remember that every situation and person is different.

Good Luck!

Fish,

I am proud of you!! You aced the dinner and really came through on things. Sounds like given what she said, that helped make it easier news to deal with : ) And I think I know exactly what you mean about feeling down the next day, even though things went so great the night before. Of course you miss her! And you now have a semi-solid sense of her wanting to move toward reconciliation...I think it's pretty natural to just want to be reconciled already!! BUT, this is the time to follow her lead. There's not much to be confused about in a sense...look back over what you told us she has said to you: go slowly, no smothering with emails/texts, let her set a pace, etc. That's a lot of info on how to proceed from here! Just follow her excellent guidance and keep looking after yourself. There will probably be some bumps, but that's okay...the big picture is looking pretty darn positive to me.

Purr