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I really need some help to work out the right approach to dealing with H. He comes over, tells me how much he misses the family, hugs and kisses me, then goes off with OW and spends the night with her. He does this repeatedly. I feel like he is just trying to keep me dangling and keep his options open. I feel so angry at his behaviour but I know that part of DBing is to be nice and positive and show your good side - unfortunately I have lost the plot on that again and lashed out again.
I feel that he will maintain this double life thing indefinitely and not make a decision because he simply doesn't want to give up either the family or the OW with the money.
I just cant seem to work out the right strategies to move forward

My H was doing this as well. Right before he came home for good, he came over to the house to borrow the digital camera (to take pics of OW and her kids I learned later). Before he left, he passionately kissed me (last time we kissed now that I think about it), told me that he was glad I was his wife and not OW and that he will come back to me someday. Then he left for the OW and I didn't see him again for several days. What mixed messages.

Dayana, whenever you are ready, you are going to need to put a stop to him doing this. People kept telling me that, but I wasn't emotionally ready and kept allowing him to ping pong back and forth until I finally said that I had it. It was when I told him that I couldn't take him going back and forth and it was emotionally abusive to me that he started to understand. I understand that you have children, so you would need to set guidelines for seeing them. But he has to choose between women because it is just too difficult for your well being to be in the middle of his game.

Thinking and praying for you,

Sara

Dayana,

Strikes me as you have two choices here. Neither is a walk in the park.

Number one is to keep in mind all the stats on A's and ride out the storm. Wait until the attraction of OW diminishes and just be there as the better option. Work on yourself and hope that at the end of however long it takes he wants to come back to you and you still want him - you never know, YOU may have moved on. This does enable him though to ping pong back and forth and you have to act 'as if', GAL and carry on as best you can.

The other is to set boundaries and stick to them. You could tell him you won't share him and he has to make a choice or you could set different boundaries, say go NC apart from child things, until he makes a decision. The boundaries are up to you, but you have to be prepared to follow them through whatever. NEVER set a boundary you KNOW you can't enforce for whatever reason.

Either way the outcome isn't guaranteed. You could push the issue to a head, (it's what I did), but you lose all control and the fallout could go either way. It just depends on what you feel is the best approach. Remember DBing is about doing what works and if something isn't working do a 180 and try something else. It is also about making changes for yourself - not just to get a wandering spouse back. You have to be true to yourself so that if any action you take backfires at least you know you did that thing for the right reasons.

From my POV, I knew I couldn't enable my H to carry on with me and OW. If I hadn't put my foot down he would have just carried on having two women fight and fawn over him - why not - the adrenalin rush he was getting from having TWO women want him was massive - he felt in a position of power and I felt helpless. I couldn't stomach that and I was willing to take the risk that I would lose him to get some sort of ending. I am a terribly impatient person, ( I always peek and look inside my Christmas presents early) - that's just me. We had a week of absolute hell when I wasn't sure what would happen, ( although I couldn't quite believe he wouldn't stay with me), and it was nasty.

In hindsight, I am glad I did things the way I did- it worked for me but I am aware it could have gone awfully wrong. maybe one of the reasons it worked for me is that my H had an issue with feeling that I didn't really care about him which is why he had the A in the first place. He was SO wrong, and my reaction showed him that. My struggles on a daily basis with having four children and always feeling like I was chasing my tail left me not giving him the attention he needed. My strong reaction to him telling me he was having an A took any doubt about my feelings towards him away.

You know your H, we don't. You need to think about why you have gotten to this position and what type of person he is; what would work best with your H?

Good luck

hi Saffie and Sara
I have told him repeatedly that I can;t take any more and that it is hurting me so much, and not just me but the kids. Last night we talked a bit and he really seemed to get it and said he wanted to end it with OW (he was really annoyed that she has sent me more harrasing text messages last night after the poisonous email). However as soon as we tried to talk about him really quitting OW he then said he had to go as he was tired and that he would come back tonight to talk, but has left me a message saying he was working late and couldn't come - I don't believe him. I tried to phone him but he is not picking up the mobile.

He knows he is really hurting me but he can't seem to stop. How can he possibly love me and keep doing this?

I know you are right about boundaries and I have tried to set them up before but he does not stick to anything - he doesn't turn up to see the kids when he is supposed to, and then turns up at other times by surprise. I am also bad at sticking to the boundaries so I know I am not helping myself. I start to get into such a panic if I don't hear from him or see him, then I phone him and ask him to come round. I can't seem to find any self control.

I know he ended up having the affair because we were not happy - we went through some really hard times with a chronically ill child who nearly died several times, and then I was chronically ill for a long time. This took its toll and I certainly didn't pay him any attention for years-I was just too exhausted. I felt completely unsupported by him and I became very resentful. Meanwhile he was feeling unloved and neglected and blaming me for it. Along came OW and made him feel like he was the most important person in the world and remortgaged her house to fund his music dream. SO it is easy to see why he did it.
But at his core he is a family man - he comes from a very religious background and he used to have incredibly high morals. I know that the whole thing is eating away at him.

I think he wants to come back in part but partly does not believe that we can work because it was so hard before - he seems not to understand that the hard part was due to the illness and stress.

You say I know my H - but the fact is I don't seem to anymore because just about everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I don;t even tell the kids when he says he is coming over, just in case he doesn't turn up and disappoints them.

People ask me why I want him back- I still love him and I guess I keep hoping that his former self will come back and he will wake up to what he is doing.

Saffie, when you put your foot down what exactly did you do? Did you cease all contact? Did you give him an ultimatum with a timeframe?
What about you Sara - how did you put a stop to it?

God, I just wish I could get out of this nightmare

Dayana,

My H told me about his A. We had been going through a bad patch for a while - I was not easy to be with and had withdawn from the M. I was suffering from depression. H told me about the A because I was trying to turn things around and he could see that and also I think because OW was putting pressure on him. H was still at home, ( I didn't really suspect an A), and OW had left her H AND her children and set herself up. She thought that my H was going to somehow get rid of me and then she would move in and just become me-with my children as well - obviously she was quite delusional.

When H told me about the A we had an almighty bust up and my kids went mental. It got very nasty and my H kept saying to me that he wanted to live at home and still see OW and just see how things worked out. I kept telling him that wouldn't work. In the end I did something really stupid, (tried to commit suicide), and that brought things to a head. I went to see a psychiatrist, (who I had already been seeing in an attempt to shed the depression), and my H came with me. The psychiatrist told my H he was being extremely unfair to both me and OW if he thought he could keep us both on the go competing with one another.

After seeing the psychiatrist H and I talked again and he agreed that he didn't really want to be with OW. He said he knew he loved me more, (at that point he would still say he loved OW and she loved him),and that he wanted to be with me. As soon as he told me about the A he had given me a way to contact OW and her husband. He had also let me view all correspondence etc between them. He broke it off with her and I was privy to all future correspondence etc and his mobile once more became 'public'. He became 100% transparent.

Hindsight is a great thing, but looking back I beleive not only did he see the changes I made but also he wanted out of a situation he kinda 'fell' into and didn't know how to get out of. Once I knew about it he wanted me to clear it all up for him. OW was afraid of me, ( and well she should have been), and so backed off once she saw H and I were reunited. I think it worked in my situation like this because H was ready to end it with OW. Deep down inside he knew it couldn't work with her. Now he tells me he never did love her and he doesn't believe she loved him. From all we have learnt about her since he thinks she was using him as a means to an end and she would have eventually left him.

Another factor in all of this was the children. They were old enough to voice their distress and dismay at what was happening; my second eldest contacted OW and told her what she thought of her. That really shook my H.

I have to say that what happened in my situation was pretty dramatic and hell to live through at the time. It could have gone either way and I wasn't thinking things through at that stage- I was acting by instinct. Lots of things were in my favour, the biggest of which being that the A had been going on so long that the 'novelty' factor had worn off and I think my H knew that OW was not a good match long term. I am very aware that this would not work for many people - every situation is different. However, I know that I could not have lived with my H running back between myself and OW - for me, I would rather have split from him that put up with that, and hoped that he came back to me later from his own choice. But that's just my personality!!!! Everyone is different. I want to say as well that that's not because I think people are wrong necessarily to do that - it's just it would have hurt me too much.

Good luck

Well for me things weren't as dramatic as saffie. And these things just happened recently, so who knows what could happen next.

H told me about the OW after I had 2 weeks of finding information that didn't add up. After he told me he more or less moved in with her for 2-3 weeks, but would come home and shower, eat his lunch, do his laundry, etc. He was having the best of both worlds. I got to a point where I had it and told him he had to choose one or the other. He chose her and packed up his things and I made him give me the keys to the house. It was a very intense night. Then at midnight he comes knocking on the door and said he has changed his mind. He wants to be with me and work on things and he eneded it with the OW. Mistake on my part looking back now, but I let him back in. After 2 days, he was back at it...living with her but coming home now and then.

He kept telling me he was going to end it with her, but never really did. I felt too weak to make him chose again. Everyone kept telling me that I had to do it, but I emotionally couldn't handle it. I had already did it once, didn't I? Well one night he wasn't here, and I called him and told him that was it. Come get your stuff and leave for good. I was done with the game of ping pong. He sort of freaked out on me and came home and has slept at home every night since.

Now...ending it with the OW for good was different. He was/is highly addicted to her. While he wasn't seeing her any longer, he was still talking to her and trying to contact her as much as possible. She is the one who actually ended it with him. He was living with his wife and not her and she was tired of the games as much as I was, so she ended it.

I am not sure if that helps you any at all. And who knows...my H could go back to her again.

Sara

Dayana,

How are you doing?

Yes, I was wondering how things were going as well.

Hang in there!

Sara

hi Sara and Saffie
Thanks for sharing your stories with me - what hell we all go through. Saffie, I was really suicidal last year - there were many occasions I had to call family in the middle of the night to come over as I was afraid I was going to do it. H knew how bad I was but he seemed not to care at all, even though I couldn't even take care of the kids - he didn't help me, my mum had to come over.

Things are still really confusing. He came over last night and he was adamant that he is going to ditch her but when I pushed him for a timeframe he clammed up and got irritable. I told him I can't keep waiting for ever and that it is totally unfair to me and the kids. He says he really wants to come back to the family and he definitely doesn't want to be in a relationship with her, but giving that up with her means paying her back all the money he owes her and giving up their business arrangement with his music. Whenever he thinks about this he backs down.
At first last night he was really affectionate when we starting talking but by the time he left, he was angry and resistant so I really don't know whether he is truly going to ditch her. When I spoke to him today he still sounded on edge and he didn't want to talk to me.
The other thing is that when he talks about coming back, it is always about the kids, he doesn't acknowledge our relationship or his role in making changes to improve it. I have to be honest and say if he did come back I find it really scary - he is still so closed in himself and not ready to communicate. I also don't think he is ready to be transparent - he has become so accustomed to his double life -how will I ever know he is telling the truth? I think he is really scared to come back because his memory of me before the A is that I was shut down and resentful. Even though I have made some big changes which he has acknowledged, he keeps bringing up the past - seems like it is easier for him to dwell on that than face up to what is going on right now.

What to do next? He says he will break it off with her this weekend, but I am doubtful as we have been there before and he didn't do it. Do I wait for him to contact me? I am going to take my kids away for the weekend just to stop focusing on it, but I am sure that I will not be able to resist talking to him. Do I keep pushing him? It doesn't seem to get me anywhere.

I feel like I am going crazy.

Sara, I meant to say that my H too came back once - it was after OW took him on overseas trip all expenses paid. He kept phoning me from overseas so depressed, saying he was coming back. He rushed to me as soon as he arrived back and stayed for 2 nights - stupid me just let him while knowing deep down that he wasn't ready to give up OW. He left at midnight on the 3rd night without even saying good bye to the kids. They were devastated.