Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy The mistress has more than I can offer

I have been married for 12 years, separated for about 6 months. My husband commenced an affair 1 year ago. Even after I found out I maintained an open heart and tried to save the marriage. He really didn't want to leave, but nor would he give her up. He kept telling me that he had given her up, but then I would discover that he was off with her again, lying and cheating.
He still doesn't want to truly end the marriage but the problem is this woman is his band manager. She has given him a great deal of money to pursue his dream of becoming a music star and they have set up a business together. He refuses to walk away from all that. She even took him on a marketing trip around the world, all expenses paid.
I've been forgiving, loving, allowing him to come and go from my home endlessly to satisfy his own needs to be part of the family but none of this is of any use - I simply can't compete with her money and her ability to devote 100% of herself to furthering his dreams.
I have two young kids and am working full time. He is not giving me any financial support.
I don't think he will ever give her up because of his music dream, even though he desperately misses being part of the family. Sometimes he says he misses me, but lately he has become more distant.
Any advice would be appreciated - is it time for me to give up?

No. You have waay more to offer. Love, family.

More later.

I totally agree with sg.

Stop trying to compete (I know I have done it too) and sit down and realize that you, JUST you, are more than enough for him. This isn't about you, really, its about H's selfish needs. He may be insecure (like mine) and need validation from everyone. I don't think its time to give up, not at all. Have you read DB? Started to do things for you, make new friends, get out with your kids?

I think you are right to allow H full access to the kids and a warm loving home. You will just need to draw the line somewhere about his 'access' to you. You could say something like "I still want this marriage, believe it can be repaired, but this can't be done with another woman in your life."

Let's see --- you are also his friend and lover. I'm not one to usually show statistics, but I've seen the 2 year thing average for an OW/Affair. It will most likely fizzle out.

Tell us more, and we can encourage you and help brainstorm solutions. Btw--how did you find us...do you have Divorce Remedy?

It's such a relief to have you all out there. I feel like I am going crazy. My sister loaned me Divorce Remedy recently. I have only read it once, so not fully familiar with techniques. I mentioned it to H and he said he wanted to read it. Took it away - keeps telling me he will be reading it soon, but so far he has not other than the introduction. Clearly it is not a priority for him so far - but in reality I think he doesn't want advice on saving his marriage, he just wants to maintain the status quo - walk in and out from us, stay with OW who feeds his ego and dream.
I know I need to focus on me and kids but I am so depressed ,can't seem to maintain any momentum. I make plans and then cancel them at the last minute because I feel so low. I find it really hard to talk to anyone and feel totally socially inept because the only thing on my mind is H - I feel like I have nothing else to talk about, but everyone I know is sick of my whole 'saga' and telling me to get over it. But the pain just won't go away and I don;t know how to move on.
To make it worse, OW is my sister's husband's ex-wife and OW's kids are my sister's stepkids so it is all in the family which just keeps the pain alive.
I desperately need help to establish boundaries with H re his access to me, but I dont know how to do that while he visits the kids so often.
Any advice on any of this would be appreciated.

I meant to say that because he took Divorce Remedy I have not been able to reread it, but I have orderd a copy online. I didn't want to ask him for his copy back just in case he does decide to read it one day.

OMG, she has nothing compared to you.... you have the kids, the family, the memories and a long and comfortable mature love...

Do you think if something happened to your H tomorrow and he was in a car accident and couldn't play music she'd still be there for him? I doubt it. More than likely the relationship is very shallow. Yes, the money and fame are there and that's a huge draw. It's his dream. I doubt "she's" the threat... it's probably the dream propelling him.

Definitely read, reread and commit to memory everything in DR and DB. Focus on your kids and just being friends with your husband. Let him have a his space and you work on yourself. I know this is easier said than done, but don't take her or the situation personally. Don't let it affect your self-esteem. I've been around many musicians and unfortunately this is not an uncommon.

You say she is his manager. Well im sure there will be another hotty that will come along that she wants "to manage" then your H will be history and then guess what will happen. HELLO where have I been? Thats right iv'e had my head stuck up my A$$!!!!! can you ever forgive me. (as H replies to you)

JAK

Really though don't ask H to read the book. Keep whats there your secret.

Also if you don't have friends that you can vent to around you try not to talk about it to them as it will make them run the other way and make you look needy and whiney. Vent here as much as you wish and we will listen and try to offer comfort and help.

Wish you the best.

JAK

Thanks for all the support - I do know that you are right that the music dream is more of the driver than 'her' - but in my H's mind, they are totally connected and he feels he needs her for his music.
How do I stay friends with him? Every time I see him or speak to him (he calls me almost daily), I just want him to tell me he loves me. I feel so sad. Also, a true friend would ask him how his music is going and be encouraging but I hate hearing anything about it because it is all connected with her.
I can't even take my kids to watch him play anymore because she is always there. It really hurts.
SO how can I be his friend when I hate to hear about the very thing that is most important to him - his music?
Any ideas?