Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives I just want to make it better. . .

My health insurance pays for my IC. The psychologist diagnosed me with situational depression so I only pay my $10 copay each time. I do think the sessions were a lot more helpful in the beginning before I started pulling myself together.

Having problems with my patience levels this week. I'm sick of sitting back and waiting, but I know there is nothing to gain from pushing him. He said 2 weeks ago in MC that the root issue is his need to spend time with family/friends and I responded positively that he can get those needs met. He wasn't being prevented from doing so in the first place. I would like to think we made progress with that counseling session, but here we are, no further discussion or problem-solving and still in limbo . Whether he's in his "cave" or MLC "tunnel" or simply being passive-aggressive, I get frustrated and angry. In the past, I would let him know exactly how I was feeling and I know that wasn't helpful then and isn't going to get me anywhere now. I still think I'm better off with him than without him, but the lopsidedness of things right now is hard to take. It does help to think of this in terms of MLC, because then I can think of his behavior as something he's not entirely in control of, but there's a big part of me that wants to say "enough already!"

I thought I would be much further along in my own growth or acceptance by now. I feel stuck. I keep trying to think my way out of this, but I can't even settle on what attitude I am going for. I think that one of my biggest struggles is with trying to move on in my own life and not be dependent on his actions/choices for my happiness, but at the same time keeping myself emotionally open to the hope of reconciling. In one of my IC sessions, we talked about "hope for the best and prepare for the worst", but I don't seem to be able to strike that balance in my own actions or thinking. To really detach, I feel like I would have to be done with him and I'm not ready for that. When I try to be hopeful, I feel like a delusional idiot. So, I just go along day by day, week by week with no encouragement about our M and no resolution.

I've been GAL - I've done more socializing in the last couple of months than I had done the last couple of years. All low key - new book club, walks/lunch/dinner/movies with friends, made a couple of new friends. It's been great, and it makes life more fulfilling, but it obviously doesn't fill the hole in my life. I've been single and fine with it. I didn't get M until 35, so I had time in my life to be on my own and thrived. I didn't seek marriage as a way to make myself OK, but when I did decide to M, I wanted a true life partnership and fully committed to that. I can't seem to shift gears and step back or away from that commitment.

I've been stressing more the last few days because we have MC coming up on Monday. This will be the first one in a month. We were supposed to have a session a couple of weeks ago but H had a work conflict and the C couldn't/wouldn't reschedule - just decided to wait for 1/28. In our last MC (12/26), H said that the basic issue was his need to spend time with family/friends. Summarizing - I said we could fix that and that I was sorry he had thought he didn't have that kind of freedom in the M. Since then, nothing. Meanwhile, I haven't seen H since 1/5 and we have spoken for maybe 30 minutes for phone for different "transactions" - nothing of a personal or connecting nature. No "hi, how are you" or anything conversational. It feels like we are not on speaking terms and I don't know why.

I am not seeing how MC is or will be helpful. I am anxious about the whole thing. It is very hard for me to be myself around H when we have so little contact. I feel anxious about everything that I say or do because it seems to carry so much weight when you get an hour a month to communicate. I didn't really believe anything that he was saying in the last session, but I also felt like I had to go with it. What he says is all I have to work with. But his actions tell their own story and give me nothing. What are we going to talk about in MC? It would have seemed like our last session gave an opening for us to start to work things out, but that's not true. So, I need to spend some time this w/e trying to figure out how I can DB in the session and still be genuine. I know for example that the C will ask how I feel about NC for a month. The true answer is that I feel rejected and abandoned. That is not a DB statement, so I need to say something like "it's hard for me, but I accept that H needs his space right now and it's important for me to give it to him". Then, my little voice says to myself "this is crap and we're sick of it". Exhausting.

Yesterday, my horoscope said:
"You want so much to have faith in a certain person. But how can you be sure how he or she will act in the future? You don't have to see to believe. Believe first, and then you'll start to see."

This is the law of attraction and it is so consistent with so many other things that I am reading lately. And, it seems to be the hardest thing for me to put into practice. . . .

Had lunch yesterday with a mutual friend. This is someone that we used to vacation with as couples. Her H and my H worked together for years and her job is also connected to theirs and so I hadn't made contact on the theory that they were "his" friends and I should leave it alone. But, she reached out to me and I was so pleased that she did. I was anxious, though, about seeing her because I thought that she probably knows more than I do about what is going on in my H's life. There were 2 problems with that. One is how hard it is to be in the dark. I know nothing about what he is doing or how he spends his time. I just know that he appears to be content to have zero contact and assume that he doesn't miss me at all. The other problem is that I don't quite trust that there is no OW and I didn't want to get bad news from my friend. But, we had a nice talk. She mentioned a couple of times how sorry she felt for me when she heard what was happening between me and H, but I didn't press for details on what she was told and she didn't offer any. I didn't share much detail, but I did tell her that I am trying to DB by giving H time and space to work through his issues. She understood and that was great.

Still stressing about MC tomorrow. One problem I have is how to project independence and "I'm OK no matter what" in the context of MC, when my whole goal in these sessions is to deal honestly with the issue of how can we reconcile. I want to explore what H's issues are and how to address them, but I also think that my needs have to be at least visible, even though they take second place to his ongoing ambivalence. It hurts that I haven't seen him in 3 weeks and it doesn't give us much to build on in MC. It's like walking from the freezer into the sauna and I don't think either one of us is prepared for the heat.

So much of the advice on here has to do with projecting an upbeat, positive attitude that will be attractive to the WAS, but I don't think I can pull that off in the context of an MC session where so far my predominant feelings have been vulnerable, stunned, and frustrated.

seek - Thank you for stopping by my thread.

I have just read through your whole story. I never post on anyone elses sitch as I feel totally unqualified to offer any advice. However, you & I are on the same page with our emotions and feelings.

Our H's sound as if they are experiencing the same issues ie wanting to come and go as they please, not communicate, life like single men, no responsibilities blah blah blah

I too feel abandoned and not ready to give up hope and give up on my marriage.

Unlike you I have been having a lot of contact with my H, which gives me mixed signals.

I hope your C session goes well tomorrow. Can you let H and C lead the session and do most of the talking and take it from there? Maybe jot a few points down that you would really like to mention?

I'm not in C or taking any meds, but I am seriously considering it.


X Dis

One thing that my IC helped a lot with was my own understanding of where my responsibility in the M left off and H's started. I was taking the blame in myself for everything. I used to think it was my fault that I was so frustrated in dealing with my H. But, she helped me see that my reactions were normal. That doesn't let me off the hook - because I could have handled things better. But, he's not off the hook either - she really validated for me that it took two to get to this point. And, right now, it's really taking just one to stay here. I'm ready to make a better R, but Mr Passive-Aggressive wants to stay stuck in his ambivalence where no one asks anything of him.

Maybe I'm a little bitter. . . But, that's real too and it's not the defining aspect of my feelings about H. I would be happy to forgive and forget. None of us are perfect.

My C also keeps telling me that my emotions are normal. I thought some meds might help, but she has not made that referral and so I am using the "natural" method to get through this. Homeopathic stuff has no effect on me. I read the other day that ADs work on only about 40% of the people who take them and that exercise is as effective as ADs. By exercise, they mean sessions that make you sweat and burn at least 350 calories 3x a week. I'd rather take a pill! But, I may try getting off my butt and working up a sweat.

Now I've gone from anxiety to dread. H called this a.m. and said he thought we could meet just the two of us face-to-face without MC. He said that he isn't going to work today. (MC appt wasn't until late afternoon.) It's very unusual for H to miss work - altho he has lately due to illness. He also mentioned that he hasn't been sleeping well. So, I think he wants to tell me that he has decided to go for D.

We met at home at 1:00. He got here a little early. Pet the dogs, made small talk, etc. Just a nice visit for 30 -45 minutes. Finally, I asked if he had something he wanted to tell me or if he wanted to pick up on the discussion from last MC session. In summary, he said that he likes his new living situation and it's unfair to keep me waiting while he figures out what he wants - or gets bachelor life out of his system (my interpretation - not his words). I said, so you came to tell me that if I want a D that's ok with you? He seemed taken aback that I put it that way, but said yes. He has a tendency anyway to make it sound like he's doing something generous when it is not. So, I called him on it and we went around a little bit on him saying he was doing this for me when it is the opposite of what I want. Not in an argumentative way (I think not, anyway)- but I wasn't going to let him off the hook.

I also pointed out that I have not been pressing him for a decision, because I think that it is best for him to have the time that he needs now. He seems to be feeling his own pressure, whether the source is financial or the MC or just plain wanting his freedom, I'm not sure. Long story short, I told him that I am hurt and angry about our sitch, but that I can get over that and the bottom line is that I love him and I think there is more good than bad in our M and I can't just be done with it. We talked about the kind of lifestyle that he wants and I focused on letting him know that changes can be made in the M that give us both what we want. I told him in the end that he will make whatever choices he will, but that I am not going to agree that D is the answer because I don't think our dif are irreconcilable.

He was on R talk overload by that time so we ended the convo. I asked what I should expect now and he said that he was going to think some more and that we could talk again in a week. I said that I don't want to talk in a week - but then I said that I wasn't sure what to do, but that I wasn't expecting a deadline for him. It's weird, b/c he needs space, but he seems to also want resolution, and I don't know how to handle it. Limbo is no fun, but I don't want to get to D just because one of us lacks patience. There were no tears, no yelling, no insults so I think that was a plus. At the end of the day, I'm no further ahead or behind than I was yesterday. I guess at this point, I've done all I can do. If he still wants to cut the ties, then at least I've made my stand.