Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

FA-

WOW! What a great analogy. I'm sorry you have to feel that way, but boy do I understand.

SueS

FA,

Had my first coaching session tonight. Told her I had contact with W about every two weeks. She said now isn't the time to go dark. Send her e-mail or texts. Stop by D24's house only for half an hour, give W a compliment or praise only on the way out of the door so it doesn't look like pursuit because I'm leaving.

Why don't you contact him every once in a while if only to show him you're still interested? Once every week or two. I don't think spending the night on the 13th would be necessarily be a bad thing, make it known no ML will take place. Just sharing some time together. My coach said that sex will make S retreat afterwards. It makes them think that you think they are getting closer. I'd make sure of not giving in, a little cuddling probably would be nice, then off to sleep in separate bedrooms? Don't give in girl!!!

Pizza night looks like a couple of weeks off. Got part of a kitchen ceiling to replace, the bath tub upstairs leaked, had to cut some holes to find source and replaced water damaged part. Ended up being the overflow gasket. I'll do that this weekend, if I get it done we'll do pizza next Sat or Sun.

Mike

Mike,

How do you feel about your coaching session? Do you think it has made a difference in how you see your sitch or what your goals are? I've been wondering myself about whether I should do one. I really don't have very much money to spare, but if it could help me... maybe. I'm glad you told me about the "not going dark" advice you got from your coach. Somehow I see going dark as a last resort kindof action to take, when there really is not much hope. Your W is in contact w/ you at least once in awhile, so I think that there is still hope, and from my vantage point, things look better than they did when I first started reading about your sitch. I also like the compliment as you leave suggestion. I'll have to try that.

Anyway, as it turns out, my H did stay the night last night. It was a pretty surreal experience though, to say the least. First H picked up D from school and we met up for a lite dinner as we usually do before D's dance class (at least we started doing that in about November). I made sure I looked great - new dress, hair done the way he likes it, makeup fresh, and when I walked into the restaurant & took off my coat his eyes went "wow" and he said twice that I looked really, really good. Then I went home & H took D to dance class. When they got home we all had a snack and talked and did up D's valentines for her classmates. Then H tucked D in while I made lunches & ironed a shirt for him, which he had asked me to do for him b/c he was leaving for an out of town interview in the am. Afterwards I helped him pretty up his presentation for his interview. These were all things we used to do as a family when he was living here, and the whole time I was having this sortof "out of body" sensation, almost like I was in a dream and was going to wake up any minute, or like one of those cheesy old sci fi shows, where the aliens can read your mind and create a world out of your memories (yeah, my dad was a real sci fi buff, so I got to see alot of the oldies as a kid). Anyway, after all that, we went to bed, just the way we used to, cuddling. Your advice about ML was a bit late for me, though H was the initiator (if that makes any difference, which I doubt it does). I'm not sure if that will make him retreat this time, since he did call me during his stopover, and again when he arrived at his hotel. But I do know what your coach is talking about with retreating, since it has happened many times w/ H in the past. But then again, he did have to go out of town, so he had an easy escape anyway.

H seemed to be pretty content last night, notwithstanding the fact that he must have been ready to climb the walls thinking about his interview. He didn't seem uncomfortable at all, and I was really watching for that last night. The only thing I probably shouldn't have done, though I'm not entirely sure, was to give him a valentine's card (in it I wrote that I know I'm not really good at finding the right words to let him know how important he is in my life, and then went on to try). He seemed touched by it. One of the things he said to me months ago when we talked about his A was that the OW always told him that she loved him, every day, and that I had stopped making him feel loved a long time ago. So even though he is in MLC (that's what I believe) and the advice is to not tell him I love him, the 180 for me is to make sure I do let him know I love him, and accept him and forgive him - maybe not necessarily by simply saying
"I love you". Maybe what he needs right now is for me to show him that I can give him the space he needs, let him go off and figure out what is going on in his head and still be able to love him and accept him when he is able to come back to me. I always had a problem with that in the past.

Wow, you sure sound like a handy guy to have around fixing bathtubs and holes in ceilings!! Your W better think twice before tossing you away - somebody who does stuff around the house gets extra points in my book. My Dad is very handy and whenever he visits I have a long list for him. My H used to want to do stuff around the house and has started talking about it again - more positive indications. I'm feeling a bit more hopeful today, so I'm not going to overanalyze things right now - I'm just going to ride the crest of these good feelings and try to stay positive, you know, like "The Secret".

Have fun with your repair project this w/end!

FA

Hi FA! Just caught up with your sitch. Sounds a lot more positive then when I read the last time. Hope it continues in the same vein! I haven't been coming to the bb very often lately, so I keep losing track of what's a'happenin'. Hey, I love the sci-fi imagery ... I, too, am a bit of a sci-fi nut! Sometime, life can seem like you're an observer, doesn't it, or you're living in an alternate universe? Uh oh, my nerdiness is showing itself. Haha!

Take care.

FA,

Busy weekend for me. The coaching session was good I thought. She told me to do some things another way or time. Like only being around my W for a half an hour, having somewhere I'm going and to give her a compliment or praise when I'm walking out the door. She said that a compliment or praise at any other time will be seen as pursuit. But when leaving it's not looking for a response or reaction.

Got the opportunity to use it Friday. D24's BF called me said he was stuck in traffic, could I pick up D. I did and took her to her house, W was there. I spent almost all the time there (about 1/2hr) talking with D or her BF or playing with my GS. Very little time talking to W. BF asked me if I wanted to stay for dinner, told him no that I'm going to meet a friend for a couple of drinks. He said kind of loudly, Big Mike has a date, I'm sure W overheard and I didn't refute that it was a date. Asked W about her job, if she's thinking about taking the managers job. Told her she would be good at it, that she is the best and most conscientious employee they have and walked out the door. I went to a bowling alley lounge where I thought I might see someone I'd know. When I went home I parked my car on another street in case my W drove by the house on her way to work at 4:30AM.

Way to go girl looking fine and all dolled up for H. It sounds like he really noticed. Sounds like some positive steps, don't get depressed if he takes a step backwards again. On the ILY, it does say to not say that to the S but if something isn't working do something different. Saying to H ILY was a 180, I'm sure he was probably pleasantly surprised. That's one thing my W said is I never told her ILY. I guess i thought it was understood, one thing I'll change if she comes back!

Coach said there are 4 stages, reducing bad feelings, being friends, romance and reconciliation. That ML should be avoided in the first two stages because S will withdraw afterwards. Although if it is working for you continue. What about you calling him to wish him luck before his interview?

Mike

Mike,

I'm interested in the 4 stages your coach talked about. Are these stages for MLCers or are these stages for all DBing R's? I'm trying to learn more about the whole MLC process as I understand DBing in MLC is different from DBing in other situations, say simple infidelity (well, I don't mean infidelity is simple, but not complicated by MLC).

When I look back over the past 1.5 yrs, I clearly see the cycling that he was doing while deep in replay. He would always come back to me, then disappear, then come back, then disappear. I still see some of that cycling, it's different now.

Before when he disappeared, he would be unreachable and would not call at all, not even to talk to D, for days at a time. He might send a single text, but never answer my reply or my call if I called him right after getting his text. I know now he was w/ OW and he couldn't answer b/c she would know (she even told me she would check his phone and see my texts).

Now when he goes off to do whatever, he calls both D and I and texts. It's a rare day that I don't talk to him and I can't remember the last time there was absolutely no contact for a day.

Gotta go. I'll write more in a bit.
FA

FA,

The four stages are for Dbing, to try to get a WAS back. I have seen some movement on reducing bad feelings, it seems she is friendlier these days. I did explain to coach W is most likely in a MLC(by W's own words and MC thinks also). I've also seen my W in replay, bringing up things that I did 20yrs ago that upset her. I think her sleeping all the time was a way of dealing with her depression.

Sounds like your H is reconnecting. Continue to look good when around H, he'll notice. Sounds like your're making baby steps, don't loose sight of the little improvements.

Mike

Mike,

Are you posting at all on your own thread? No matter, I appreciate your input here and you are helping me see things that I have been overlooking. It's so easy to concentrate on the negatives - and I always saw myself as an optimist. Lol.

It really does seem like my H is reconnecting, but sometimes I get frustrated b/c I want to ask him what is going on in his head, I want to have that big R talk and sometimes I feel like I'm going to BURST holding it back.

Yesterday, just as I was finishing my post, H and D came to pick me up to go to the beach. We took the dog and had a really fun day - dog was swimming, sun was shining, D was happy that we were all together. I think I laughed more than I had in months. On the drive home, H told me he had volunteered for a ski race this week, Wed/Thurs/Fri, which would mean he couldn't take D on his usual nights as he would be out of town. I was disappointed (a) b/c he would be away again, near where OW has a condo and (b) I would not be able to go out w/ my friends on Fri night. I was quiet for awhile and H asked me what was wrong - it was a good time to talk since D had her headphones on. I asked when we would get back on our schedule b/c I had plans for Fri night. He suggested I call our babysitter. I was pissed b/c I felt like he was assuming that I had no plans and he was still doing whatever he wanted w/o considering me.

I guess I had been hoping he was out of replay. Maybe the A is over, hopefully, as he said it was about a month ago when I last mentioned it to him. But oooohhhh, I wanted to ask him about R, about how he is feeling about us, about what is going on in his head, all those non-DB questions. I had to bite my tongue and put on my sunglasses and took them off about 5 times so he couldn't see my eyes. I said nothing at all. Finally I made some chit chat. When he dropped me off he asked if I would come w/ D to watch his game that evening. I said I don't want him to feel obligated to ask me to come - I can keep myself busy. I'm not sure if he actually wanted ME there, or if he wanted me there to watch D while he played (D was staying at his place last night). Then he called to ask me to bring my camera to take some pictures of him playing, but I didn't answer his call or text (I was in the shower but I didn't tell him that). I did bring my camera.

Now the significant thing here is that when we were in our late 20's & early 30's, I used to go to nearly every one of his games, hung out w/ him & the rest of the guys afterward - I was his biggest fan. Then when I had D, that stopped. When I finally was able to/interested in watching him play again (which I now know was during the A and MLC replay stage), he told me he didn't want me to come to his games b/c I was bad luck (he had gotten hurt a couple of times while I was watching a few years back) - that really hurt. BUT, in the last few weeks, he has allowed/asked me to watch him play twice, both times w/ D there too. Not sure what's going on there. I do know for sure that at least one (probably two) of his teammates has met OW, and one of them, who used to be his very good friend, now no longer speaks to H (except for during the games) partly b/c of his A (this ex-friend really liked me and I guess was really mad that H did that to me). He even came out to say hi to me when H was still changing and said to call him anytime I felt like talking. I don't think he was hitting on me, just being nice. We had all three of us had some really good times many years ago.

I was thinking last night about how it must look to those guys on his team, me being there, when a few of them know he had an A (but probably not all of them). I was trying to figure out if I felt degraded. I held my head high during the whole game, laughed w/ D, took some pics, cheered when they scored and looked like I was having a good time - I was! I also tried my best to look amazing & sexy, but in a wholesome sporty way. After the game, H took D back to his place. Then he text me to tell me that "3 of the guys wanted the hot milf's number". I asked what he told them. He text back that he said I was "as good as I looked in every way". I replied that I didn't believe he said that. Later I called to say goodnight, I asked if he did say that - he said no, he didn't say anything at all, just listened (I believe that). I asked how it made him feel - he said good. It was good to know that other people think I'm as beautiful as he does, and that he knows sometimes I don't believe that myself. We said goodnight & he said ILY, so I said it back.

Reading this, it looks so much like H is trying to reconnect, and I guess I have to admit that I think so too. The supremely frustrating thing is that these reconnections come interspersed with periods of withdrawal, and the withdrawal is the part that leaves me full of doubt if I'm doing the right things or not. I keep thinking that the withdrawal is significant, but maybe it's the reconnection that is the more significant.

There were two times my H told me it was over, that he didn't love me anymore and he was going to start a new life: (1) when I first ever discovered his A and (2) when he moved out. Nearly the rest of the past 1.5 yrs he has told me he loves me, always has, can't imagine his life w/o me, is afraid of losing me, is afraid I will find someone else, and so on. You would think this is a good thing - I should think it is. But it makes me wonder if he knows these things in his heart, WTF is going on that he can't be w/ me? I guess this is the point where I sign off and pick up my Conway book (which FINALLY came in the mail today) and read more about MLC.

Wow, I just realized how much I have written and I still haven't said anything about the in-laws, which will soon become my next biggest challenge and I really need some advice from any and everyone who has anything to say on the subject. I think I will start a new thread, as I don't recall seeing anything about it in the MLC forum. I guess this will be my segue into the MLC forum, since I think the time will soon be here for me to move my thread - with fingers and toes crossed that the A is indeed over, or if not, is quietly dying a painful death in a dark corner all alone.



FA

FA,

Wow, I see a lot of positives in your post. I think you're trying to look for negatives in what's been happening lately. A family day at the beach, H asking you to come to his hockey game a ILY call. Lots of good things there girl.

I think if H was still seeing OW he wouldn't have asked you to come to his game, he wouldn't want the drama of both of you there. Him wanting you there I think was to share some of the old times and to show you off to the guys. I told you he was noticing the glammed up you! I also don't think he wanted you at the game to degrade you, I think it was maybe a statement that he's with you again. I know it must b frustrating when he withdraws after some reconnection, but that's what I've read about MLC. They'll poke their head out of the tunnel and retreat. The times they come out will be longer and longer. Don't get frustrated because it's taking him so long. He has to go through it at his pace. If you try to push to make it happen faster he'll retreat.

As far as my sitch, now I have to go to physical therapy and cardiac therapy. My shoulders been bothering me since surgery, family doc thinks I have a torn rotator cuff, sucks for me. Getting a MRI tomorrow and he ordered 6 weeks of therapy and will re-evaluate. Mon, Wed and Fri will be go to work, physical therapy 4:30 to 5:30 cardiac therapy 6 to 7, home, eat dinner, shower then it's bed time. What a hectic schedule.


Remember to have Patience.

Mike

Mike,

Thank you for your insight - you are probably right in that I am looking for negatives. I guess that may be to protect myself, to keep myself from being too disappointed if it all falls apart. Call it my emotional insurance policy and maybe it's part of my detachment, but the more I get excited by the positives, the more my sitch distracts me from GALing, and the more devastated I feel when H does withdraw again. I must admit to having been very dependent on H in the past, and it is a very slippery slope for me back in that direction.

I'm not a patient person by nature, but I am digging deep, trying to develop that quality in myself. It is very frustrating to feel him withdrawing after reconnecting, and baffling b/c it's usually after we have a great time together that he pulls way back. But I can see how my not pressuring him is giving him the space to come to me, instead of me chasing him and him running away.

I remember reading something about distancer/pursuer relationships and I clearly see that my M was very much one of those - me being the pursuer and H being the distancer. I'm trying to switch our roles a bit, not to become the distancer, but to stop pursuing so that he has no reason to distance himself - very much like the bunny analogy I explained to my D who wants to make friends w/ someone in her class (a boy - ugh!).

H left yesterday to volunteer at a ski race out of town, and I have not called or text him at all since Mon pm. He sent me 2 texts yesterday am (I didn't reply as I had forgotten my cell at home), called & left a voicemail at work (I didn't call back), called the house last night (we talked pleasantly for a few minutes) and called me this morning from the mountain (again we talked for a few minutes). He also left a funny note to D and I at the house when he dropped off her stuff from staying at his place over the w/end - lots of happy faces, x's & o's and ILY's for both of us. That was actually the thing that made me feel the most positive - somehow leaving a note seems more significant that making a phone call. Maybe it's just me.

My fear (yes, again w/ my fears) is that this is as good as it gets, that this is what he wants in a R w/ me and nothing more and I will have to choose if this is good enough for me or if I need more (I already know that this is not enough for me). My fear is that I will either hang on so long waiting for him to come home that I will come to beleive this is all there is; or that I will eventually decide to move on and only at that point will he (maybe) come out of it and it will be too late b/c I've moved on.

Yes, he is showing positive signs, but sometimes I almost feel as though I'm being thrown a bone every now and then to keep me just hungry enough to not give up on him. But he may not even realize what he's doing, and I'm quite certain he does not know what is going on w/ him. How strong am I? I guess that's the question.

I know I shouldn't complain b/c I have it so much better than so many others here - I have contact, communication, he calls, he makes a few reference to the future (home improvements, etc.) and he does say ILY regularly. But we all live in our own worlds and though we share our thoughts and feelings, we still have to carry our own cross and no matter where you are in your sitch, it seems a very heavy weight to bear. I hope someday to be one of the "successes" who comes back to cheer on those who are still in the trenches, and I will, you can bet on it.

Boy does that ever suck about your shoulder - did you injure it? I can't recall if you said you were going to the gym, but that is the worst part of trying to get back in shape - you almost always end up overdoing it and injuring yourself and backsliding. I have been trying really hard not to let that happen but I know I've pulled something (hamstring?) and I can't make it go away. Hopefully physio will fix you up soon. I haven't been able to do much running, and my race season starts end of April so I've got to get serious about getting my leg better soon. Going to yoga today to get in a good stretch.

Mike, it sounds like you are finally detaching. I've been thinking about your posts over the past few months, and I definitely see you untangling yourself from your W's MLC and I read less pain in your words. It really is not about us, and I think that is what I needed to realize in order to finally understand what I need to do to detach. The MLCer is only focused on themselves and not anyone else; the LBS is also only focused on the MLCer and not on themselves. That's just way too much energy being directed to one thing and that's not right in a metaphysical sense.

I admire your courage to go out to the bowling alley to see if you run into someone. I have not had the courage to go out on my own, though I worry about what kind of attention I would attract. I do go to the gym and for coffee by myself. I've been dying to just go out to a restaurant/lounge on my own, sit up at the bar and talk to the bartender - like those confident ladies do in the movies. I don't want to get picked up (ick), just practice talking to new people. Maybe that'll be my next month's GALing goal. I figure if I concentrate on one big GAL goal a month and really try, I may be able to actually accomplish it and have it feel comfortable, instead of rushing out in all directions feeling like I don't have my heart in it.

Take care. Hope your physiotherapist is some cute, strong young thing and not some big hairy guy named Bruno!!

FA