Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Make things better by looking ahead....

Quoting BRIDGET:

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I love how you share, and I love how you talk back
to your demons -- coming into the light after all.

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Bridget -- A treat having you visit my thread! I follow yours mostly silently (perhaps a word thrown in here and there) and delight in your growth and confidence and adventures. Your h will be lucky to have you when he gets his head out of his...

(Should you so chose, that is)

Sage

Jeannine -- thanks for your emotional support, my friend! I know that you are battling your own dragons now...

Quoting Jeannine:

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Gads, sweetie pie! Maybe he needs to get that crappy stuff out into the open and needs to know that you hear him and that his words have weight. In denying your feelings about this stuff, you are denying his too.

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yes -- another time when sage wakes up a moment too late and sees the opportunity fly by! BUT, I know now what to listen for and I can take the time (patience, patience, patience) to hear it again...

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Im not saying to make ultimatums or toss away the DB principles, just let your H take some responsibility for his past and present behavior in regard to OW. Show him some respect and tenderness toward your own needs and feelings.

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Yup. I know I'm not doing him any favors by not letting HIM own what only he can be responsible for.

I'm sending you calm and health and peace and love.

Sage

KAW -- Thanks for coming by. I know that your plate is full right now...

Quoting KAW:

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I saw my good buddy Tbone had just dropped by jethro's thread with some of his wise words. They are worth repeating here as the can be a tremedous help.

Quoting Tbone:

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"If you trust too much you may be deceived, but if you trust too little you will be TORMENTED."

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yes, yes, yes. I saw tbone post very wise words in Brian's thread and was inspired to search out his story...I only focused on his last thread but the parallels to my own mindset, his transformation and growth -- WOW. Awesome stuff.

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So bottom line is to convince yourself that no matter what happens in the future it will never be as bad as the pain you are putting yourself thru with your fears.

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THIS is where I need to reside. I visit every so often but can't seem to move in... Getting there with all the good help and support from you guys!

Sage

Folks -- thanks so much for the wonderful support and insights. This place is amazing...and you guys are awesome.

I think yesterday's "outburst" was a real step forward for me -- a catharsis of sorts -- I've got lots more thoughts swirling around in my head -- all still related -- about unconditional love and worthiness and how to raise concerns and ....they'll come out over time AND my plan is to try to formulate them in an "actionable" way -- in other words -- WHAT works when I get in a fearful state, WHAT works to get me to slow down and listen more, etc.

Three good things from yesterday:
1. H sounded very pleased when I called him yesterday afternoon -- even said he was really glad it was me.

2. H planned a "surprise date" for us --

3. H. made a special note of appreciating my "hard work" -- commenting that it had given him the freedom at home...

I'm relaxing this weekend -- taking a load off, mentally and physically!

Sage

Fantastic Sage

Jeannine

was poking around on old threads and found one where the S. had another a while "piecing" because they "didn't think they'd be forgiven for the first". Good Lord.

I will hand my h his head on a platter if I heard that! Not to be invalidating or anything (really).

I've spent so much of our m. feeling "doomed" to having my h cheat on me -- not because of him (really, really, although I don't blame him for hearing it that way) but because it had been beaten into my head that "men cheat then leave" (sorry guys!) AND the message is THAT much stronger when one feels so horribly unloveable anyway.

Now I've been spending precious moments of my life contemplating a continuation of the a...this is a ROPE that NEEDS to be dropped by Sage! Let me finally, perversely and apologetically acknowledge that my h. is the only one who can be responsible for his fidelity. I think I'll spend my time on the things that I CAN control -- like my own behavior.

arrgh. I DID say I was going to take a mental break, right?

Sage

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I think I'll spend my time on the things that I CAN control -- like my own behavior.

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where is the icon for clapping hands!!
great revelation sage!!

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the message is THAT much stronger when one feels so horribly unloveable anyway.

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you are loveable!! you are you are you are!! your posts scream loveable...I met you in person and you were loveable...you are loveable!! you just have to believe it. you are loveable and fully deserving of love.

LL

LL -- thanks for the kind words about my loveability! I think I need it tatooed on my ...

Sage

H was gone most of the weekend with the guards. I did a bunch of relaxing stuff, had a few "feeling sorry for myself" moments, too. He came home yesterday afternoon after what sounded like a pretty tough weekend ....

Good things to feel happy about:
1. H seemed happy and enthusiastic about spending time with me last night...said he missed me, thought about me, etc

2. Since h was going to be gone on my bday, he hid not one but 2 cards for me! Super thoughtful!

3. I visited sis and her baby sat night -- her boyfriend made a wonderful meal -- it was lovely to be there, to be thought of, to be tended to, to be loved.

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I've been so up and down of late. A few weeks ago -- feeling confident and strong -- last week feeling so scared and hurt. This weekend was no different -- one minute, feeling secure in myself -- the next, crying at an odd moment because I just feel so sad, still, so scared, so lost. In some ways, I miss my "old life" -- not the part of the m. that stunk or the part where I hurt h but the part (of course) that didn't feel devastated by the a by the specter of the ow. I actually worried myself a bit this weekend -- I was SO down, feeling so unenergetic, so, so, sad. I can't figure out what the outlet for this should be...is it ok to still be crying after all of these months? or is it a sign that something else is still wrong? silly question, I suppose...of course it's ok.

Once again, I was mired in thoughts of the past and worries about the future. Anger and sadness over the a -- the lies, the sheer crappiness of what has happened. THEN, worries about the future -- that things haven't changed, that I cannot be a satisfying w. to my h., that my m. will never reflect the things that I hold so dear, etc.

THEN, a flash of insight....

I do not see how I can create a life (and m.) that contains honesty and passion and love and happiness and gratitude and courage and forgiveness and joy...unless I am living those things.

If I want honesty in my m. and life, I must be living honestly. If I want passion, I must be living passionately. If I want happiness and joy, I must be living happily and with joy.

You get the point.

Instead of courage, I've been living in fear. Instead of optimism, I've been living with doubt. How can my marriage be based on trust if I am untrusting?

I know that this isn't a canned solution -- I'm not fooling myself into thinking that it's all up from here -- and I'm not intending to push the sadness away if it is there -- or to beat myself up for it. I just don't have to LIVE it, I don't have to DEFINE myself as it, I don't have to let it permeate my life and my m. each day.

I can live with honesty and joy and passion and love and gratitude and enthusiasm and confidence and ....

I need to radiate the things that I want in my life and they will come back to me. How can I expect joy if I cannot give it?

Sage

great stuff as always sage!!!

in life there are good days and bad...there is sadness and joy...we cannot live in the past and we cannot fear the future...best to live in the here and now and enjoy it for what it is and let the rest be what it will!

LL