One night down.. and one more to go. At least tonight I have plans of dinner and a movie with a friend of mine.
I'm going to use this next section as a journalling exercise. I'm the type of person that easily recognizes positive attributes in other people but have difficulty turning the mirror toward myself. So, I want to put it out there in the universe the positives I see in myself...
-I am funny. I have a dry sense of humour and a quick wit. -I am attractive. Thick red curly hair, freckles and tall. (Some people may not like it.. but overall I think physically I'm a good catch) -I have a huge heart. I am a sensitive soul. I hurt for others and love deeply. -I am loyal. I stick by my friends and my loved ones. -I am hardworking. I'm not afraid of work. I like the feeling I get from accomplishing something and doing it well. -I have a wonderful family. Thank God I have such a loving family to be here for me through the tough time -I have great friends. Friends that WANT to be here for me. Want me to know how important I am to them. Friends that was to distract me or protect me or just be a shoulder to cry on. -I have created a beautiful angel. One of the best things about me is my beautiful little girl. It proves to me on a daily basis how good I am inside and out when I watch her. Half of her is me.. and when I look at her she is ALL goodness! -I am a great Mom. I teach, I nurture, I am her rock. I love her with all of my heart. -I am a great friend. I listen. I advise if asked. I help pick up and dust off when they are down. I am always just a phone call away. -I am honest. I pride myself on telling the truth. I hate lies.
I'll keep adding to this.. it's a work in progress. There are many things on the opposing side of this list.. but for now I just really need to focus on my positives..
Thank you everyone for stopping by my thread and being so positive.
I got up yesterday and got dressed etc.. caught up on a show I had taped and slowly made my way over to D2 and H. Spent a few hours there.. doing the whole chit chat.. surface conversation.. nothing of importance. I had to get going so that I could meet up with my friend and H said he was going to take D2 to the park.. so that was it.
I met my friend for dinner... I'll expand on that in a minute.. just want to get all the H portion done first.. Called him to say goodnight to D2.. he asked how the movie was.. I said I was still at dinner.. so he asked what movie we were going to (he has no idea who I'm even out with) and I said I wasn't sure.. He sounded very excited and wanted to hear all about what movie I went to see.
I don't know about the rest of you but I find it emotionally exhausting trying to keep up the act of being happy with him and his current choices when we spend time together.. so as soon as I'm away from him I tend to get negative. I realize that this is something I have to work on for myself but I don't need people like my MIL telling me that I'm negative due to it being a specific time of the month. No, I'm negative because her SON is pretty messed up and has given up on our marriage!!!! Argh!!!!!!!
Anyway, I had a really nice dinner with my girlfriend. Unfortunately she is not in a very good place in her marriage and it sounds like it's been that way for years. Her H is depressed.. and has been for a very long time. He never sticks with any meds.. and from what it sounds like is just not able to be there for her emotionally at all.. it's all about him and his needs. I told her about the DR book and suggested that she read it.. since it's also a useful tool for people that are considering being a WAS... I don't know what she's going to do but I am glad she felt comfortable opening up to me. She said that some people are aware of what's going on in their M but that she had never really told anyone to the full extent of their problems until me. My heart is broken for her. She just seems so spent. I truly hope she gets the book.. It sounds like she knows a lot about depression but when for years the depressed person isn't seeking any kind of resolution it's hard for her to keep treading water. She has a completely separate life from her H now.. Something is keeping her there though, so that must mean there is still some hope, doesn't it?
I have a question for any of you reading... My question is how do you know if what you're seeing are baby steps or not? My H has been spending a lot more family time since I found out about the "feelings" he has for someone else and had a complete meltdown. He still calls me Hun, Honey, Baby.. He picked up D2 on Friday night from the house.. hung out here for a bit and then took her to the apartment. He even came back in the door and gave me a quick peck and a hug after putting her in the car.. He then asked for me to come spend some time with them on Saturday.. and then he called this morning to see if I wanted to maybe meet them at the mall and hang out together for a bit before he drops her off?? I'm not understanding this at all. I am being completely upbeat and light hearted.. today for example felt like a really great day.. like the old days prior to me knowing there was anything wrong with our relationship. He even referred to our home as Mommy and Daddy's house to D2.. where before today he always called it Mommy's house. I really don't get it?
So, do you think these are baby steps or that he is just SOOO messed up that he gives conflicting messages?
Regardless of how this turns out.. which obviously you know that I want my H to come home.. he has given me a rude awakening that I need to have a life of my own. I was living vicariously through him. He works a lot so I would not make plans to do anything for me or D2 in the off chance that it would be a weekend where he would have some free time.. 'cause I would have been upset with myself for missing out on family time that he deserves since he works so hard and so much. I have really let my friendships suffer over the years.. ever since we moved an hour away from where I grew up.. so my eyes have been opened. I need to reconnect, and have begun to, with people that are important to me. I need to be more than H's wife and D2's Mom.. I need to be a healthy and happy W2G.
It's nearly 2:30 in the morning. Been a long night so far. D2 keeps waking up and crying... big adjustment for her when she comes back to our house after being at Daddy's... at Daddy's she shares a room and a king size bed.... at home she's alone in her room in her own little bed.
I hate seeing her suffer.
In regards to my previous post..... so these things aren't baby steps then huh? Just conflicting messages? Can't deny I'm disappointed.
