Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

LMG;

I'm now up to the 23 years of unhappiness...guess he realizes now that he didn't want to marry me at all...hhhhhh..I have learned to let it go in one ear and out the other...I'm getting better at it because it changes so much...since H is gone he is sooooo HAPPY!!
Whatever......

Hang in there...the say anything to hurt you..

Treese

I think this is something you can do, am I wrong about this? He will think it is an excuse to call him. If I am cooking and I always am, I do the grocery shopping as well.

lmg, I get the feeling that you and your H in the house could be similar to me and my H in the house concerning the calling him to pick up broccoli.

I usually cook on weekdays because I am home with the kids first. My H usually calls me on his way home to see if he needs to pick anything up. I try ot avoid calling him, but if I am missing something we need for dinner, I do call him and I don't think he feels at all that I am doing it just to talk to him or that it is pressure in any way. My H says he is my best friend and so to him, I'm sure it just feels like he is doing something any friend would do for a friend (or roomate).

I agree. For me, it would be much easier to set him free by having him move out at this point. I find it extremely painful and lonely to have him here, to put on the show for our kids and friends (who come over a lot). I am very amibvalent, too, CW, about being the one to kick him out (although I kept shouting at him yesterday in MC to get the f**K out.) He has no job right now and we live in one of the most expensive cities in the country. He is also very passive and conflict-averse and so who knows when he'll ever have the nerve and/or the resources to actually leave.

I guess I gotta keep trying with the GAL/detaching stuff anyway. As I've said before, though, I'm not getting any younger and if I'm going to end up single, I'd like to be able to take advantage of it before I'm in the nursing home, fighting with the other old ladies for the one man that's still breathing!

lmg,

I think part of GAL is realizing that while we'd all (or most of us anyway) like to share our lives with someone and not grow old alone, there is something to be said for finding purpose and meaning in your life without needing someone else. If your willing to fight for the last man breathing, I suspect that falls into the needing category.

No judgements, just something to think about.

All I'm saying is that if I'm going to be alone, I want to be alone--ie no fake husband living in my house and sharing my bed. And if I do decide I'd like to meet someone else, I would like to be legally single. I would rather just be "out" to my kids, for their sake and for mine, at this point. It is clear my D11 is waiting for the other shoe to drop, yet when she expresses her concern, we tell her "no one's getting a divorce, don't worry sweetie. Just because we don't kiss and hug all the time doesn't mean we're getting a divorce."

How pissed and hurt is she going to be when we tell her she was right all along? When she finds out we were lying to her? And what good is it doing any of us to drag out a separation that seems inevitable?

I know what you're saying, Grace, and I admire your clarity. I value your posts a lot even though it appears that I resist a lot of your advice!

lmg, I understand exactly what you are saying! 'Cept W doens't even share the bed! At some point, it just doesn't work. And the example of married life that we are showing our kids, well, it isn't all that great! I think you may well have a better chance at reconcilliation once the stress that you have by being together is gone. I'm not saying it is a good chance, just a better chance. It doesn't mean you've given up in the possibility.

(((lmg)))

Feeling crappy again today. It snowed and we took the kids sledding with some friends. I always find H sexy when we do outdoorsey things together and it was killing me. I wanted to hug and kiss him. We used to ski a lot before we had kids and it was so romantic and fun. I feel really, really sad. He seems completely unsentimental about our past, sees it all as negative.

Emailed with Hs mom yesterday. I hadn't talked about with her at all , but I know he has said something to her about what's going on. She told me how awful she feels, how worried for us and the kids, how she can't sleep and how she wishes she could think of something to do to help.

I am going out tonight with a friend, but it just feels lonely without H's love and interest. Even if/when I can let go of him, I honestly don't know how I will ever be able to truly forgive him for hurting me like this.

I think I would stop telling the D11 that nothing's wrong and that you're not getting divorced. This could really build up into her not trusting either of you guys. We told our kids that adult relationships can be complicated. Start with that. So when she asks you if something is wrong, don't lie and tell her nothing. Tell her that adult relationships can be complicated, that you love each other and that you both very much love them. Tell her that you haven't decided to divorce, that you still are together. It's reassuring, but not lying.

As for the kicking him out, I understand where you were, but I refused to stoop and/or make it easy for him. Tell him instead that he can't share your bed. Baby steps.

The little clarity I have, I've gained through questions that other's (and even I) have posed. I think like all of us, you're just trying to find your own way the best you can. If one of my questions (or lines of thought) gives you a definate "No", that's something you've got. I'm not looking for you to agree with me. Just to discover what you want/need for you and the kids.

I walk a rather tweeked line as far was what to tell kids. While my H and I made it clear (right after the bomb) that we we're having problems. Our lie was that we were trying to "find a solution". Well, I guess you can make the argument it wasn't a lie b/c he found his solution. We just haven't shared it with our D's. When he leaves we will. To give them an additional 5 minutes of peace, I'd eat broken glass. I'm sure on some level they know things aren't really "right", but they also see two peolple who love them more than anything doing everything they know how to do (within their own abilities) to give them all that they need. Is it decietful. Yes, in a way it is. Can I live with it? Yep. Hell, we lied to them about Santa and the Easter Bunny.....

I do understand you point and your position. It took me abot 10 months to come to a place where I no longer "needed" him to take ownership (ie blame) of this mess. The last thing (IMO) our D's need is to see their Dad as a bad guy. He isn't. I can't remember if I ever posted this to you, but I finally realized that as devistated and hurt as I feel for his wanting out....that's how he feels to stay. Yet he does. I know it's for his D's. That's ok, I ask nothing for me. I'm capable of providing the emotional stuff for myself. And yes, it is the hardest thing I've ever done. To look at this man that I love deeply and am still attracted to physically and not be able to touch him (either physically or emotionally). This is Hell. Can I forgive him? I already have. Can I forgive myself? Now there's the rub.....(Yes, I'm working on it).

You'll do what's right for you now and if it changes later, you'll update what you're doing. Have faith. You have the strength. I can hear it even through your pain.