Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again it's a long long road......

(((L))) !!!!!! It's me, Kel, incognito (hehe) too. It's so good to hear from you and hope you slept a lil better after getting some of that out...

It looks like a good sign that your H has decided to build that clubhouse! Taking an interest in family stuff again is huge.

Your son is right sweetie, you deserve so much credit for showing him how to stand. He will always respect you for the memories he's getting to finally make with his dad.

Your ability to choose your battles always awes me, L, the jewelry is probably a guilt thing, but oh my I don't think I could let that go. I'm a brat though.

Don't stay away so long!
Kel (who hasn't posted on my own thread in months)

thanks,deauxlie-aka-kel-
Well, I wish the good signs would be the only ones I see.

Unfortunately, just awhile ago, our S and I were going to the small farmer's market to get some tomatoes, and as we were going, S spotted H in a gas station parking lot, deep in conversation and smiling on a cell phone. We pulled into the lot to say hello, and H when he saw us, pulled up quickly to the air pumps, and got out of his car. He asked what we were doing in the area, and we told him, and he gave me money. I told him that S had spotted him on the cell phone and he said "No I wasn't" I said well S saw you and he said again that he wasn't. I myself could tell he was talking when we drove by at first, but S only confirmed it. H's hands were shaking badly, and when he handed me the money, I thought he would drop it.
He kissed me goodbye, and said he would see us at the house, and we drove across the road to get the tomatoes.

You know, I wanted to spit the taste of his kiss from my mouth.

When we got home, we were there first, and wondered why he went the long way home.

When he got here, he was still nervous and shaking from his "ordeal"

Now they are outside working on the clubhouse, and I am sitting here knowing who he was talking to. No freaking doubt in my mind. NONE!!!

And he seems so weird right now, because he knows he is busted, and by our S, too!!

And I wonder should I just let him stew, or say something.

I want to ask him just what can I do to make me good enough in his eyes, good enough to stop cheating on me.

I think Kel, that if it weren't for knowing I have God on my side in this whole fidelity thing, I would just go nuts.
But, I think I am going there, anyway.

L

I have prayed for guidance on what or even whether to say anything about all the things that are adding up.

he knows that I know he is a liar now, and probably is nervous that I haven't said anything yet. During church, before the Lord's supper, one of the elders told of walking his dog at sunrise this morning, and saying when he got to the top of the hill he prayed there would be someone at church who would be convicted of his filthy dirty sin, and repent of it. I think he may have been inspired by God about my H. None of the people there know about us. I hope my H will one day finally get the message God is sending him every single week, before it's too late. I mean he hears what is said in church, and has to know when something applies to him.

What I have been tempted to ask my H is if he thinks he should have moved out for awhile year before last so he could see if he wanted ow or his family. I mean almost three years, at least that this has been going on, when in the heck is is going to end???
He acts like he is going to spend his life with me, he says he is, but then he keeps secret cell phones, sneaks off to call ow, buys ow gifts. How am I supposed to take this?

He tells me he loves me, talks about our future, and yet...
I feel I am being strung along to keep my mouth shut until he decides it's time to leave. he also wants me to go back to work, and says part-time isn't good enough for him, even to start out, he wants it to be full-time, and even asked me if the reason I don't want to go full time was because I think "they" (the courts) would give me less money if I was working full-time. I asked him who HE had been talking to, and he was really defensive about it and said no one. I think I know who. And I also think he would like to avoid giving me half of his pension, when he retires in seven years. Or really anything except this house. Which he has allowed to practically fall down around us, so, not much money in this house.
That way he and ow can travel to those exotic places ow was planning for them when she planned ther future together. I mean nothing worse than having to take care of the ex every month with a check.
Well, I have decided to NOT work full-time, but I will sell on ebay, and stuff like that, and when the three years are up, we'll see if he was really lying about his motives. Meanwhile, I can learn more on the computer, and stuff like that.

Well, I am being summoned by H and S to help with the clubhouse.

L

VC,

I think if it was me I would have to confront him.
Right now he is cake eating. You need to decide for you what you are willing to put up with . For me it would be confronting and letting him know that I would not accept his cake eating and set boundries. Your call.

JAK

((((((L)))))))

Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry. I was hoping things had run their course and he was working toward rebuilding his relationships with his family. ARGH. You know the drill-- If it's not working......

I know your goal was to save your marriage. In the end though, what matters, is saving ourselves, and hopefully the marriage can become better than the one that brought us here. I hate seeing you hurting like this (But so very glad you are posting!).

You can't work on a marriage with 3 people in it and from what you write, I'm afraid you should listen to your instincts and protect your heart. Gas-Lighting is just cruel and you have too much self respect to put up with this indefintely.

It's spring. Maybe it's time to take another look at those goals? If you think he has an exit date/plan, maybe we can brainstorm some ideas to put a wrench in his plan?

Can we start over and figure out some ways to shake this thing up? Can you start with small home improvement projects that'll be more for him to lose (a 180?)? Plan some trips for Son's summer vacation whether H can go with you or not?

As JAK says above re: the cake eating--IF he is continuing the A, what would motivate him to end it if things just stay the same???

I just need to think about this a while and hopefully others can come up with some ideas in the meantime. Your S is seeing all of this and that can't be good...

My H is peeling crawfish across the kitchen from me so I can't get into much depth here. Just thinking about you...

You have worked hard on GAL (right?) for quite a while and established you are the better option.

That he is so intent upon hiding his actions and is physically affected by the threat of discovery (could he like the adrenaline rush?) indicates he feels the best option is to stay married to you.

However, at this point, with no lines drawn in the sand, maybe he doesn't feel the need to consider the better option?

L, you've put so much into this battle. We are here to support your choices -- not tell you like all of our well meaning friends and family that you need to "kick him to the curb". Let's work on getting your ducks in a row and keeping you out of the loony bin.

I forget, weren't you considering substitute teaching? That'd give you time to do your ebay, crafts and home improvement projects and some xtra cash to justify them. It'd also make you feel a great sense of accomplishment. Think about how all of that might weigh out against worrying about getting less spousal support if it ever even came to that.

Just some thoughts.

VC

De is right I feel on this point.

Have things been getting to comfortable the way they were going that he feels you will just be there when he wants and he doesn't have to work on his issues?
This I feel has been happening to me and now Im'e in the process of shaking things up. I have to laugh because he gets so nervous about me perhaps leaving that he gets clingy. Thing is is that I have been holding leaving as an option because I deserve his love, all of it not just bits here and there. I want my needs met too.

It is so hard as we have been married for so long. But we need to become the new girl friend. At the same time we need to make our life what we want it, for us as individuals.

((((((((VC))))))))) I think we can all use them right now!

JAK

Hey did you see in my Signiture that Im'e having another set of grandtwins?

Girls. They rule!!!!

sometimes with lines on the sand it still wont' matter. BUT I agree, something needs to be said.

VC, I pray with all my heart you stay on this board and that you are dead wrong about H and ow, you must stay here and make it damn it.


You know my road, my story, and even if I were Mother Theresa H would've still been rotten and acted the way he did because HE was the problem. I've looked at myself extra hard, looked at my past, and nothing, NOTHING I did ever deserved the treatment I got.
Same with you, it has nothing to do with you lacking anything, it has to do with his insecurities, if indeed he's contacting ow, with his emptiness which he is trying to fill with something, anything.

My prayers your way honey)))))))))))))))))

By the way, anyone's heard of whapu? have not seem him in ages, I worry about him.