Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Make things better by looking ahead....

Hey Sage,

Nobody seems to have your numbah, but check Just For Fun for a last minute get together this evening downtown.

Acorn

Quoting jethro:

---

You know, something you've been talking about is also discussed in this book. Basically, the author gives an example of a man who is somewhat closed off to his own feelings, which he has done since childhood to protect himself. When he ended up having troubles in his M, it provided him the opportunity to face these emotions and bring them out...which, incidentally, was necessary to continue his R with his W. Did that make sense? The only reason I mention this is because you've made comments about not hearing this and that from your H, and I get the sense that he too is closed off. Likewise, I feel this is somewhat relevant with my W and myself. She's closed herself off for a long time.

---

I think that my h is quite closed off...although I will say that over the last 6 months, I am "hearing" more and more. Perhaps like the man in the book this will be his opportunity to open up. I'm not sure why h came into the M closed off...but I unfortunately know that I did not help matters any over the last 7 years....I brought so many of my own insecurities into the M and one way I dealt with that is through controlling talk and behavior. I guess I thought that I could ensure the security and safety that I so desperately wanted by trying to control everything. I did a lousy job of hearing h's "scary feelings" -- the ones that might throw me into "jeopardy" of one kind or another. I'm learning a lot about holding onto my self and emotions when h tells me something that cuts to my fears...still have a ways to go on that.

Quote:

---

You think you could ask him to read "Love Languages?"

---

Decidedly unlikely. h would view a request of that kind as a judgement on him. he also tends to view my interest in self help and R books as a sign that something is terminally "broken". I've read it a few times and just ordered my own copy from Amazon -- maybe I'll memorize it and regale him with it some night....

Sage

Hey guys,

Just journalling -- I've had a horrendous few days at work so I haven't been spending as much time on the boards (darned work getting in the way!). Things at home are good. H and I went out after school last night to celebrate my ending of the semester! Lots of affection, good talk, more than one "ily" -- all good stuff. He called me a few times at work today...towards the end of the day he called to tell me about his interaction with a stray cat that comes around our yard... It was just so cute that he called about it.

I'm babysitting tonight and tomorrow EARLY H. leaves for guard duty until Sunday night. Gonna putter around the house trying to do some significant "acts of service" for him -- you remember that I am organizationally challenged!!!

I've really been feeling good this week -- so much better than the disaster of last week. I've been trying to figure out why ... partly I just feel much more confident/grounded in myself (but WHY though??) and partly h has been a lot more present with me. That, of course, has led to me backing off him, etc...We did spend the entire day together tuesday doing fun things...I wonder if that was the magic!

Sage

Usually I post my own horoscope but here is h's for the week...(he's a virgo for you fellow virgos out there!)

Recently you’ve been learning to take a more realistic view of what happens in partnerships. This has involved two major advances. One is being more forgiving, particularly of yourself. The other is being more daring. There is a connection. It’s easy to condemn others, or hold them to high standards, when we’re not willing to risk getting hurt. Beyond all your defences, there’s a deeply alive aspect of who you are who cannot be hurt, and you know this is true. You can, therefore, afford to be more giving, and afford to be more vulnerable. You have a lot to offer the people around you. You are quite literally nourishment to them. This is true, no matter what you were made to believe long ago.

Your H's horoscope sounds to be "on the nose", don't you think?

Jeannine

Hi Sage,

thanks so much for dropping by my thread in Newcomers
I have just found your thread here and it is 0030 here way past my bedtime (baby will waken at 0630 ). I'll come back to it tomorrow.

Thanks again for your thought on my sitch. they are very much appreciated

Hey all -- not much to report R wise from the weekend -- we barely saw each other! H had guard duty -- we were both out Friday, then he was gone from about 6am sat 'til about 4pm sunday (well, I did see him for 15 minutes at lunch sunday). he was totally wiped from his weekend of work so he slept for a while yesterday afternoon, then we just watched tv and had pizza last night.

we don't have anything planned for this week so far. I have a C appt tonight -- yuck -- and I'm hoping that h will meet me someplace after for a drink. this weekend we're staying in town and going out for a nice dinner to celebrate his acceptance into law school. we used to do that all the time but haven't for the last year or so...I think we need to find a way to squeeze the $ from the budget...we're worth it!

I'm planning on focusing my C session on my anger -- it was rampant two weeks ago -- not so bad last week. so much of it is focused on the ow -- you guys have heard me say this before and I KNOW it's a cheeseless tunnel but it galls me to no end that she is getting away with everything that she did. There have been NO ramifications, no nothing. I don't know why it eats me up inside but it does. I know that I need to work through this and get rid of it because it's not helping my sitch at all to still be so mad.

Anger at h is much less intense, much less focused, more rooted in sadness. there are times when I feel so sad and lost (and I guess mad) that he would CHOOSE her over me -- again and again. when I wonder if they are still in touch that's where my focus is -- it would be SUCH a conscious choice if they were -- anyway, believe it or not, that hasn't been at the forefront of my mind of late...

Sage

arrgh...mini-rant here...

why does my h sound irritated 8 of 10 times when he calls me (for the first few minutes that is..). I mean, he called me? Is it because he feels like he HAS to an is thus annoyed? because he's just gotten off the phone with his girlfriend???? (ow) Because he thinks I'm going to be irked when I answer the phone? (Maybe I was like this in the past but I can't remember the last time I answered the phone with a dour voice here at work...if I'm feeling grumpy I just don't answer it!)

What feels like a typical am call -- he calls, I answer brightly, he sounds irked, I feel at a loss for what to say so I ask a question which is always a bad thing -- I still try to sound bright, eventually he warms up (maybe). Last week he called (this time it was in the afternoon if IRC) and I got off the phone w/in a minute because he sounded so irked and I just couldn't hack the "as if" stuff.

By the end of the conversation he seems ok but by then I'm mentally reeling....anyway, he ended with ILY so all was not lost.

OK, rant over.

My hopes for a drink after C session have been put aside -- our cat is very sick (dying she's has a tumor in her skull) and h is taking her to the vet. He has been such a rock regarding her during this illness -- so loving and warm with her. I seem to make her tense (nervous energy I guess) but she just relaxes with him. I'm glad he'll be with her.

--Sage

Ok -- here's my repentent post-rant statement...

I am very grateful that h calls me at work each day. Sorry to sound otherwise.

Quote:

---

What feels like a typical am call -- he calls, I answer brightly, he sounds irked, I feel at a loss for what to say so I ask a question which is always a bad thing -- I still try to sound bright, eventually he warms up (maybe).

---

OK, here's a glass half-full view. Perhaps he's having a crappy day for whatever reason, and calls you to cheer himself up. This sounds in line with what you described. Sage, don't be so damn negative all the time!