Quote: What does he want? I think he wants to be loved unconditionally, to exist in peace, to be understood, to be heard, to be appreciated, to be loved, to be needed, to be important, to not be immersed in conflict, to be admired, to be successful. What else? Can I give him those things? Can I do it in the face of all of my fear and anxiety?
Your H is the only one who can give himself the confidence to "feel" these things, Sage. I can't imagine that you are not "showing" him this already.
I just started an interesting book (the title/author escapes me). The premise of this book states that each time a couple has a significant conflict, it gives them the opportunity to either grow or become more entrenched in their "habits." For the folks on this BB, I believe we have recognized something in ourselves, and have grown. Most of our Ses have yet to do this. Some already have. Perhaps your H is in the process of evolving... Let's face it, our Ses have some catching up to do, and unless we back off a bit, we'll always be one step ahead...
We seem to be in a simliar spot these days, Sage. I think, for me, I am projecting expectations on my W of what I want, but she is not yet ready to give. Do you think you might be doing the same?
Quoting lostlove: some people will read books, write letters, send flowers, be up your but "trying" to fix things...others just take it slowly with actions...they are there if you look.
LL
LL -- You are absolutely right. H is an action guy -- I think that's one of the places we've been stuck -- I'm focused on words (so I talk alot but don't do the actions necessarily?) whereas he's the opposite. To be fair, actually, I think that H "says" quite a bit in words...I'm just not always open to hearing them.
For example, last night he said so earnestly and lovingly "I love watching movies with you" (we were hanging out watching another flick! Holding hands!). It wasn't "I'm so sorry for everything that's happened, that I've said. I'm recommitted to working on our M. I'll never leave" but it sure was "I'm here now. I love spending time with you, sharing things together and holding hands." Least that's what I heard!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quoting KAW: The source of the insecurities you feel don't come from H or OM but from within. The source is your own self-doubt if the changes you've made are good enough or will continue. To keep the positives going (and this include remaining positive about how you feel about yourself as well as in M) , keep concentrating on doing what works and continue to strive to work on becoming a better person because you want to strength the attract already has towards you. Keep doing it until is seems like second nature, and you will discover a new level of self-confidence and that self-confidence will strengthen even more the bond that draw him closer and sets the stage to move beyond this. Because of your newly gained self-confidence, you will not need to seek his reassurences and by the building bond between you will feed you more and more of the things he does that lets you know he is happy being with you.
KAW -- I know that you are absolutely correct. I don't know how I got to the point where I lost so much of "me" and good feelings about myself -- did I ever have them? I've spent too much time wanting H. to reassure, to fill the void, to make me feel better about who I am. I know that I need to rebuild me for me...
The "doing what works" is such an amazing concept. I've been thinking a lot about trying to incorporate small things every day that keep the "insecurity wolves" at bay.
I'm glad to hear that this outlook has helped you reach a solid state in your own R. Gives me lots of hope!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Caz -- Thanks so much for your continued support. I see so many similarities in our sitchs...and you have been an inspiration to me through your strength and grace. I'm glad to hear that you've found some help from me, too.
When I read your posts, I do get the sense that your H. is struggling with needing some things that he feels as though he doesn't have. I have high hopes for you that he will see that you two can build those things together...the fact that he is talking with you about what he is seeking is a wonderful thing.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quoting shinybear: Do you really feel your H has one foot out the door? 'Cause I don't get that sense from your posts at ALL!
I guess I'd say that one foot out the door is a little strong...I will say that I think that he is keeping the "getaway" door slightly ajar. It hasn't been THAT long since he told me he wasn't sure about staying M. I DO think that he's much closer to me than he was some months ago....I think his struggle is wondering if he can get what he "needs" in our R. (Note that this is a HUGE ASSumption on my part -- pure interpretation).
Quote: Is it because he hasn't said in words that he wants to be with you...make things work...is committed to this?
IS there anything he could say that would ease your mind? Or IS this really something in YOU that you need to work on?
I don't know the answer, perhaps its a combination of both.
Yah -- you know me, Ms. I-need-words! I think it IS a combo of both -- much in the way that the aftermath of the ea was....I needed to strengthen and heal myself but I also felt very stuck until I got some words from H.
In this case, I think I'm not "listening". I just posted above that H. IS saying stuff...I'm not sure I'm hearing it....
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quoting Kelli: Sage, you have clearly expressed what I and lots of others wrestle with. I call it "Paranoid Kelli" coming out. When I'm not overwhelmed by that, I remember all the wonderful things that can be.
Quoting jethro: Your H is the only one who can give himself the confidence to "feel" these things, Sage. I can't imagine that you are not "showing" him this already.
jethro -- I think it's the same push/pull I feel for myself...on the one hand I KNOW that I need to "feel" my own strength/love/understanding on my own steam...on the other, I KNOW that I need to be in a R. that nurtures, not compromises my ability to feel those things (in other words, it's my responsibility to grow but it's not unrealistic to expect to do that in a R. that is not detrimental to my growth). Honestly??? I think that there are MANY occasions, past and present, when my fears and anxieties keep me from responding to H. in a way that is nurturing to him. I'd LIKE to think that the "present" times are MUCH fewer and farther between than they used to be...but I still find myself stuck on occasion...working on it.
Quote: I just started an interesting book (the title/author escapes me). The premise of this book states that each time a couple has a significant conflict, it gives them the opportunity to either grow or become more entrenched in their "habits." For the folks on this BB, I believe we have recognized something in ourselves, and have grown. Most of our Ses have yet to do this. Some already have. Perhaps your H is in the process of evolving... Let's face it, our Ses have some catching up to do, and unless we back off a bit, we'll always be one step ahead...
I love the name of the book if you remember it....there's a definite pattern of growth for us right now, I think. Someone posted (in Newcomers?) about the frustration of hitting plateaus while DB'ing ... I think that I have definitely been on a plateau, maybe even a downward trend for the last month + ... I'm seeing some good positive movement for BOTH me and H right now...
Quote: I think, for me, I am projecting expectations on my W of what I want, but she is not yet ready to give. Do you think you might be doing the same?
I don't know. I think that my ASSumptions about what H. wants is probably fairly accurate (maybe not complete, but I think I have captured some of what he needs). It's not me restating what I need as though they were his needs...we actually differ a fair amount in HOW we feel safe, loved, nurtured, etc.
I do think that I've been frustrated over not getting what I think I need in the "way" that I need it from H. A good example is my need for reassuring words from him when I'm feeling insecure...for whatever reason, 8 out of 10 times when I ask him for verbal reassurance I don't get it. I'm not sure if it's because my request isn't clear OR if he can't give it to me because he's battling his own interpretation of the request (like, he sees my request as a judgement on HIM so he can't respond) or a thousand other things...I just know that many times, when I need words, I don't get them. Will I ever? Well, I hope that we get to a place where he's able to give them more and I'm able to ask for them less...does that make sense?
When I quiet down and "listen", I can hear my H's language and hear what he is offering to me...the problem happens when I am in my high-anxiety, low-confidence mode...my "tuners" only latch onto MY language and I miss what he's saying....
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I love the name of the book if you remember it.
It's called "Journey of the Heart: The Path of Conscious Love."
You know, something you've been talking about is also discussed in this book. Basically, the author gives an example of a man who is somewhat closed off to his own feelings, which he has done since childhood to protect himself. When he ended up having troubles in his M, it provided him the opportunity to face these emotions and bring them out...which, incidentally, was necessary to continue his R with his W. Did that make sense? The only reason I mention this is because you've made comments about not hearing this and that from your H, and I get the sense that he too is closed off. Likewise, I feel this is somewhat relevant with my W and myself. She's closed herself off for a long time.
Quote: I do think that I've been frustrated over not getting what I think I need in the "way" that I need it from H.
You think you could ask him to read "Love Languages?"
but it sure was "I'm here now. I love spending time with you, sharing things together and holding hands." Least that's what I heard!
