Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis What's this about...??

Jeanette,
Re: the introversion thing.

I also remember the prof saying that introverts will be drained by the effort of "extroverting". After attending a party event, I'm usually exhausted and ready to either lock myself in a closet or go to bed. My extrovert wife is usually energized and will stay up for a while. Solitary time recharges me. Social time recharges the wife.

Saf...my wife really needs CBT, but don't think we're at a point where it would be helpful right now. Many, many times I have told her: "Honey, I can't make you happy, and I can't make you mad. You choose those emotions."

Bomb

Ok Bomb, unfog those glasses and tell me...do you find it easier to put your feelings down in words vs talking?

I'm most definitely a words guy. I like to have time to think...

...she's asking you if you still find her attractive and sexually appealing.

I've made it a point to compliment her daily. Interestingly, she seems to have a hard time accepting praise.

After you laughed what did she say?

Absolutely nothin'...

Isn't this a majority?

I'll bet you're right! Keep in mind, several times I begged my wife to take over the money thing and she refused. I was tired of always being the "bad guy" and having to set the budget and control spending.

I probably would have crawled under the couch.....he sounds a bit intimidating.

Actually, the MC is a woman. 50ish, blonde, round little angelic face. And a voice like Dr. Ruth Westheimer. She is hardly intimidating. Then again, Dr. Ruth was a sniper in the Israeli Army...a very good sniper...

Grace O...you could hear and see the wheels turning

wow Bomb....It sounds like a great session and you guys are moving forward. She was definatly fishing. My wife said a similar thing to me a while ago. I told her I needed to do something, she said go in the shower and do what men do, I said I didn't like that and needed more. I pushed her a little and asked her if she would be upset if I got it else where. She said she didn't know if she would care and then asked "like a whore" and I said not definitly not.

This is a fishing expo straight out of guilt.

I am trying to get my wife to go back to MC but need the right time to approach her after the last blowup at the MC/DC (divorse C). I have a lady that wants to talk to us and she is very good but she is out of our network and would be expensive. I am already paying $250 and hr for my Psychiatrist. Any thoughts how I can get her back to MC?

Thank you Bomb

I'm feeling excited yet saddened all in one emotion.

When we were married, why didn't you explain this to me before??? err..maybe why didn't I listen to you?

Rich is a words man also....when you describe yourself, you describe him. Completly. (except for the cigars and beer)


Your wife is a proud woman. It will be hard for her to humble herself enough to accept praise...don't give up on her! Help her to understand you and she will gain her confidence back.

Thank you again for sharing this .....

It's hard for us who jump before we think...to understand.

Like Saffie....it's probably what got me here in the first place.

So whats inbetween and intorvert and extrovert. LOL...I go both ways now. Some days I like being left alone. Some days I love company and going out and being with lots of people.

sigh

Hugs Bomb!

Jeanette

BT,
The impression you're giving me is that you're trying to hard to get your wife to do things. If so, you need to knock that off, methinks, because it will backfire. You can't make her do anything, and if you try, she will perceive it as controlling. MLCers hate that.

What if YOU went to MC by yourself? How would she react?

Jeanette,
If I remember correctly, Carl Jung proposed that when we identify our weaknesses and learn to compensate for and strengthen those elements of our personality, we then start to move towards "self-actualization"...we become psychologically whole. Essentially, introverts need to become more open and communicative to balance their psyche. Extroverts need to develop the more introspective elements of their soul. It's all about balance, at least according to Jung.

Our MC has discussed this with me at length. As I've said before, opposites attract because we are looking for another soul to "balance" us. Eventually, though, the very qualities that attracted us start to become irritants. It's at that point that we need to work on becoming "whole" within ourselves instead of relying on our partner to fill that void. Hopefully, we'll like each other more as "whole" people, and the relationship can grow from there.

Make sense? Or psychobabble?

Bomb

Makes perfect sense Bomb. I was actually watching a programme last night all about different types of 'self help' and Jung's theory was discussed EXACTLY as you are describing.

Now, turning to this F-Buddy business. Not that I am advocating doing it BUT I was pretty much in the place you are with my H sex wise before I found out about his A. I was acting like your W is doing. My guilt about not having sex was putting pressure on me and I can remember talking to a friend about how it would take the heat off if H had an A and just kept on bringing home the money etc. The person I was talking to would never have told my H and I never said that to his face, (as far as I can remember).

But hey, when he told me he had had a F-Buddy for 18 months, boy did my libido kick back in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how you can get your W to the same stage without such drastic action. To be honest, until I was told it was happening I don't know what it would have taken to change me.

You know Bomb, from other stuff I have said to you , that I WAS already changing and in therapy, so perhaps I do myself a diservice in saying it was the A that brought the libido back - maybe it wasn't JUST that, but it was a factor.

Control of money and sex - hmmmmmmmmmmmm.......

I guess mostly women control the sex, but if a guy doesn't want sex what can a girl do - and I mean REALLY not want sex here guys so no drawings or in depth examples, ( I do have kids - I have some experience of getting my own way; and I can do tricks ;)). Go to the SSM boards - it does happen that way round. But hey, for our purposes, lets agree the women control the sex but surely the highest earner controls the money at the end of the day?

Let me explain where I am going with this. In my sitch, I may run my own part time consultancy but our by far largest source of income comes from my H. He earns pretty big bucks. However, I have for most of our M controlled the money. I have paid the bills done the budget etc. This has given me certain freedoms - I'm the one who controls the spare cash and knew how much there was. I never stopped H purchasing anything but he would check in with me on the big purchases. He even kept his A costs on the company budget, (how thoughtful :/. The only private money spent on OW was one gift of a silver 'last Rollo' paid for by MY credit card . I kinda think H was trying to get caught :()

However, even though I was doing all the money 'stuff' I always felt as though H was telling me off for spending too much money- on clothes and stuff for the kids and my horse etc. Basically he still had control, as if he knew I had spent too much he would threaten to move his pay into an account in just his name. The fact that he didn't even know his way to the bank and hadn't opened a bank statement in around 15 years meant I didn't sweat it too much, plus all savings were in my name only, but he still had the upper hand and acted like my DAD. And I bought into it. Bomb - your W is only one step away from where I was in that she doesn't do the money so can't hide purchases as easily - but she does appear to use you as her conscience and BLAME you for it too.

Our way around that one is to now do the money TOGETHER. I hate it - I always think we are going to argue but it is never as bad as I anticipate. I am sure my H is biting his tongue the whole time and goes into a padded cell and screams afterwards but he is being great about it. First time was real funny though as he was so shocked at how much everything was - I forgot that I had automatically halved the price of anything I bought when I had told him about it for the last goodness knows how long. He nearly made me a widow first month we did it from having a cardiac!!!!!

H has also started to see the correlation between me being unhappy and me spending - it's definitely in his interests to keep me happy!!!

Somehow your W needs to stop seeing you as the parent and her the child when it comes to money.

Saf,
Excellent discussion. You make some interesting points.

I was actually watching a programme last night all about different types of 'self help' and Jung's theory was discussed EXACTLY as you are describing.

Whew! Good thing I paid attention in class!

Now, turning to this F-Buddy business. Not that I am advocating doing it BUT I was pretty much in the place you are with my H sex wise before I found out about his A.

Now THIS is simply fascinating. Okay, before I continue, I have to get the famous f-buddy scene from "The 40 Year Old Virgin" out of my head.

Okay. Gone. Saf...you're not the first woman who's told me the same. Believe it or not, my DB coach and I were discussing menopause at one point. My coach told me her libido simply vanished. She said: "My husband could have brought home two bimbos from Vegas and I wouldn't have cared. In fact, I might have cheered him on. It was that bad."

But now you have added in the jealousy element. Interesting dynamic. A few times on these boards, I have seen sitches where the MLCer came back after the LBS started exploring the dating world. Hmmmm.

No. Don't go there Bomb...

Hey...maybe what I need is an imaginary f-buddy. Let's call her...."Bunny". "Bunny's" role will be to break the tension over sex and inject a little more laughter.

Have to think about that one...

...and I can do tricks

Please elaborate.

...but if a guy doesn't want sex what can a girl do?

This is my neighbor's sitch. And she's cute, too. And young. Cruel fate. Anyway, I think a girl can do a lot. In my neighbor's sitch, it's a classic case of over-pursuit.

...I always felt as though H was telling me off for spending too much money- on clothes and stuff for the kids and my horse etc. Basically he still had control...

You just described me. I was the saver; she was the spender. I would postpone gratification and save up to buy something; she would "live for the moment" and charge it. Again...opposites attract. I loved her spontaneity...which, to my surprise, extended to her money habits. So what to do? Pool the money, or separate accounts? I've been struggling with this for awhile.

Somehow your W needs to stop seeing you as the parent and her the child when it comes to money.

The MC was trying to make this point, but my wife kept pulling the convo back to sex.

Boy...talk about a "meaty" discussion: sex, money, and jealousy.

Bomb

Fun first.......always........

I don't know how to copy - I'm on my D's pc sh!t....

Anyways - can't divulge the tricks stuff - H would kill me....but put it this way....one time back with me and OW was consigned to history (and you know how I love my whips )

If the guy doesn't want to have sex..... well firstly crumble a viagra into his dinner............. then no probs....esp if they are tied up

More seriously, I haven't hit the menopause yet so I don't think my lack of interest was to do with that. How I felt about me physically DID have something to do with that and also I had lost the ability to SEE my H properly. he was sort of invisible when looking at him through passion goggles - asexual I guess was how I was viewing him - familiarity breeding......well not wanting to bother breeding anymore I guess.

Will she sit down and go through the finances with you? You sound like the kind of person who would control himself even if inside you were mad about any money stuff. That's basically what my H has done....and in return I have been discussing the stuff with him instead of doing it all myself. And boy, is it nice to share the responsibility - I felt I was always the bad guy if I said NO to someone about something they wanted and when we thought about retirement I was always the one wondering if his pension was going to be OK etc, (we lost many tens of thousands when an insurance co over here lost a legal case). It's true that a problem shared is a problem halved.

It's not perfect now - I still withdraw when unhappy, and stop discussing things, and clam up, but now we recognise the signs and so can try to deal with it.And more than anything, we both are sure again that what we want is each other and that outweighs all the downsides or bad days.

Funnily enough I think BOTH H and I had a mini MLC but he had an A on top and I spent money - we seemed to go through the whole spectrum. Now we do actually laugh about it. Just the other day there was something on the TV about guys having MLC and A's and H caught my eye and said " I always thought I was unique but I am just like every other guy out there." For him that was a huge admission as he likes to think of himself as a 'think outside the box' sort of person and fairly unique. LOL (The Bright red sports car is coming soon!!!!!!!!! And it won't have a very big boot as the only type of woman he wants in it is one who doesn't take more than a toothbrush and spare underwear out with him.....I gotta have room for my whips and the saddle though Guess we will figure it out - no room for kids though )

Ok guys, maybe this is where romance kicks in.........leaving notes or small gifts, asking W out on dates or to do things you did when things were good. I think the biggest thing here is NO PRESSURE for sex. I bet if you do your best to pretend like you're on that first date (assuming nothing happened on that first date) and treat your W like she's a prize you're willing to and want to wait for, things will eventually go your way.

Maybe a note left for W professing your love and willingness to wait until she's ready (that you want HER not just somebody to f***).

As for me, it's been over a year since my H (that is still living at home) has looked to me for sex. Don't quite know how that's working for him because he used to want it all the time and we had issues with the difference in our libidos (mine being lower). Until very recently I had problems accepting the fact that my H can't even come to our bed until 2 or 3 a.m I wake up when he comes to bed and start thinking about the fact that we are still sharing a bed, but that he is no longer sexually attracted to me. I think about how I want him, and that I would be happy if he could just lay close to me (although to be held would be better), but he positions himself so far away from me in our king size bed with the dog between us. I'm not bothered by this much these days because the reality has finally sunk in that at least for now he can't love me that way............