I realize I'm being a doormat. Will read the book. I guess I feel that she's eating from two plates of cake, but one looks nice and big to her and the other just has a few crumbs left. Now that I'm in a new place for myself and am not needy & clingy, I want to make her realize that there is still cake. Then I feel like confronting and creating distance would be more effective.
I need some time to stabilize things a bit and to also get my ducks in a row about house, job, etc. so that if I ratchet things up, I'm prepared to follow through, all the way to the end. Right now it's in my best interest to keep her on the fence a little bit longer.
I am with Choc on this one. An EA is still an AFFAIR. I know that with my W, the EA has been the hardest part to break. The A started with an EA, and the EA is/was the glue that held the A together, at least for her.
It is an all or nothing deal....your W can't have you and the EA.
"I'm prepared to follow through, all the way to the end."
...yes, Lodo, you are right - you do have to be prepared to go all the way if you have to. Once I made up my mind on that one, things got a lot easier for me. No longer was my wife the only decision maker in the matter!
Sounds like you are making progress--- keep up it up!
Yes, believe me I appreciate an EA is still an affair. I never said it wasn't. Her A was physical - that ended. Then emotional - but he started drifing on according to her & a friend I secretly contacted. But the work obsession is as strong as ever - she's conflating her emotions with work, which is the unique and weird part of my sitch.
I'm just trying to figure out which battles I can win and the no contact with OM clause isn't quite ready to be tackled yet. Why? Because WAW is extremely independent and isn't here. She's moved on. She doesn't want me, she wants to continue succeeding in her career, which is very different from your sitch. But with a little stabilization, I know I can remind her of our friendship, so that when I'm ready to ratchet up, it will be effective. Right now? No way. I'm set back by detaching but not quite detaching over the past 3 months. She needs to know that she's losing her best friend, and when that sinks in, work won't seem quite so fulfilling. IMO.
So, I'm going to see what happens with MC. Choc wouldn't do that, but he's not me. MC got her really shaken up and questioning things last time and she's willing to go back. I want to see what can happen with a 2nd visit. On Sunday, I had told her that I needed to know if she was open to the M or not. She replied "I think so - that's not a yes." After our next session, if she's still that indecisive, I'm filing. 6 month wait period, so once she gets the papers I'm telling her the clock is now ticking. Are we going to work on this or not?
lodo, you do have to pick your battles and if you know you can't win then it doesn't make sense to engage does it? If no contact with om is one you cannot win due to work situation then you're right, don't even try to enforce it. It's like that with my H and ow, business that turned into an affair. I am sure I will be labeled wishywashy or weak or whatever but I know that I cannot enforce a no contact ow rule so why would I even make it an issue? Pick your battles wisely.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Spouses can change jobs, if their marriages are important to them. People even MOVE TO DIFFERENT CITIES when they realize if that's necessary to maintain no-contact.
If you don't want to suggest that, or if your spouses don't want to DO that, I understand. But don't say it can't be done.
True and I don't disagree that can or possibly even should happen and I didn't say it can't be done.
I also know that in most cases if a WAS is not ready to let go or have no contact with OP then then the more you try to force it the more it gives them and OP something to rally against together and unite forces. Timing is critical to make a no contact rule, even if the purpose is to shock the sh!t out of them.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
My WAW is in a narrow field in academia. Like I said before, she can move to CHINA and not be able to avoid OM because of the nature of her field. This isn't just changing a job, it's abandoning everything she's focused on for over 12 years. Yes - she screwed up royally by getting involved with OM, but that doesn't help me.
I'm not in a position right now to walk in to her and say, "WAW, even though you've now asked me for a D 2x, and you live elsewhere, and you have little to do with me, drop what you've focused on for over a decade so we can be together."
I think I need to take this in stages. I didn't say it couldn't be done, but that I wasn't ready to tackle it yet. Later, I can suggest that she do other things that wouldn't involve OM, but right now, she is outright not open to it and if I insist, she shuts me out. So I need to stabilize and show her someone who has more to offer.
WAW and I have related really well recently. Good convo's, romantic interludes. But when it comes down to it, she wants to concentrate on the happy feelings from her work focus, not a R that needs work. She knows it's a mistake, but it's one she's willing to make.
So, tonight I said the R was over. She said we could still be friends, but I said no. Said friendship takes work like a R and she'd treated me like crap the last 3 months. The more we talked, the more she cried and became silent. Eventually she asked if she could call me this weekend, but I said no. After another long silence, I just said, this is over. Goodbye.
