Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Battlefield of the mind

thank you friends for your ideas glad to have you guys here for me.
Desperation is slowly seeping out of my daily routine, the rumiating less intrusive, the desire to check my phone every min for his call less desperate. Yes, this was the right desicion, don't know how is it going with H, but I am now becoming aware of how much i lost of myself in an efford to keep H happy, to cater to him, to appease him and make things at home "right" for him.
Wow, hadn't realize how far back I'd push my own needs (I did hav mini blow ups from time to time when I imploded after so much holding back) but I just had not truly realized how one-sided was my M, my R.

Already invited my 2 dear neighbors/friends over for dinner next week, I danced my butt of at zumba this morning, I truly enjoyed myself.

Melatonin and Valerian Root. The two together are really helpful. Also, a little Celexa can help take the edge off things....

Cat, all I can say is don't be afraid to let him go... totally let go.

Ooooh just saw your post after I posted mine! The feelings and experience you've expressed is exactly what I realized I had been doing in my marriage. I spent about two years being a "Stepford Wife" trying to make my husband happy and convince him to stay. I lost me!!!! And I finally realized I didn't want to be with someone who couldn't be happy with who I was, and just accept me for myself. Both the positive and the negative qualities.

And I finally realized if I couldn't make him happy after trying so hard and for so long, then he needed to go out and figure out his own happiness. I finally accepted that I didn't want to be with someone who was miserable being with me.

true root, I hadnt' realized how bent out of shape for his sake I was becoming.

(((((Cat)))) - You realised very quickly what it has taken me 3 months to realise and that is how much we put our own needs on the back burner......

You post to me regularly, so you know how well i'm doing now. Still have my negative moments, don't we all?, but on the whole i'm much happier with me.

I also re-arranged my bedroom furniture and changed the curtains in the bedroom. I have decorated 2 of the kids rooms, he doesn't like it but i'm not the one who moved out, so it hard cheese.

I took up yoga after the bomb, so I only occasionally have trouble sleeping. I have recently bought a book and a CD by Paul McKenna called 'I can mend your broken heart', I have played that CD every night for the last 10 nights and I don't know whether he hypnotises me or how it works but I fall asleep no problem.

Good for you on the Zumba.

How are your kids?

X Dis

Cat,
Once again, I know what you're going through. Don't expect ANYTHING from your H. Don't expect him to want to tuck the kids in. Don't expect him to call or TM you. He is in pain. And doing these things probably makes it much harder for him to detach, as you said.

He is in NO condition to think about others right now. He is wrapped up in his own world right now. And until he navigates through this mess in his own head, he will be of no use for any of you. Let him go. Detach in your mind. It sounds like you're doing that. I know how it feels to want him to call. But it will be better for you if he doesn't. And YOU DON'T DO IT. Do NOT initiate contact yourself.

Your H needs time away from you to figure this stuff out. And in time, I believe he will. Going out with the guys is his way to ease the pain. But at some point, he has to face the pain.

Focus on you and your kids. Do something fun wiht the kids this weekend.

Remember, this S is a necessary step towards making your family healthy. The way you were all living was not healthy for ANYBODY.

You did good. YOu will be okay. Expect the setbacks. But know that every day you are getting stronger.

Dis, s9 doesn't know yet. I told d4 (almost 5) yesterday, she didn't flinch, we are all used to not seeing him for 4days in a row due to his work/court schedule, so she was like "ok". Both kids are more attached to me and run to me like crazy when they see me, I have to prod them to say hi to their father (he barely interacts w/them), so I think they will be ok. I do know it will be hard on s9 nonetheless, we'll tell him tomorrow.

ROT, you are right, I'm still expecting him to act like a normal whole dad would, and obviously he is no shape for that either, I thought at least he'd shown some tenderness towards kids since at the C one day he said that most of his unhappiness was about our R, that work was fine.
Yes, he is good at distracting himself when he feels pain, but the S should help him face himself, once there is just him and he doesn't have to stay out late at the gym or sitting in his car trying to avoid coming home.
The air was truly charged at home.

Slept better last night, I actually slept 5hrs! I'm glad for that, I still stay up 'til 1am so I am extra tired though.

Well, we have our S talk with MC today, I was driving myself insane w/the stuff I was going to say, but I give up, I've prayed for wisdom so I don't come out accusatory nor angry. Pray for me that we get the S details ironed out in a constructive manner today. Hugs to all

I hope all goes well with the C today Cat. You already sound more sure of yourself.

I'll keep you in my thoughts!

I will send up this prayer for you, Cat. Try to go for a 'reconciliation agreement'. What you want from this Sep is reconciliation, so keep that in mind along with the details of the separation. This is the tricky part, you're trying for two things which seem to be in opposition to one another. You want to be truly separated, for the good of both of you. And you also want, eventually, to be truly reconciled.

Cat,
I tend to lurk on your thread, and stay updated with your situation. I wanted to let you know that as a member of the Piecing community, you're in my thoughts.

You're in good hands getting insightful and clear advice from Peaceful Spirit and Aud. They are two smart and compassionate ladies.

We here in Piecing have all grown and matured in struggling to love and stay connected to a wounded person, yet continue to cultivate our own happiness.

CL