Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Worried I found DB too late

Positive sign: H called kids at the end of the day, after talking for a while, S5 told him he had to get off so we could eat and head to the gym. Went to the gym, finished my workout and as I walked to the drinking fountain my H said hello. He finished his workout at the same time as me, which is weird b/c I just do short 25 min workouts and he usually goes much longer. We stretched together and he even cracked a few jokes. He's coming for dinner tomorrow and then we're baking after the kids go to bed.

For the past couple of days I've been thinking about my rings, even posted on another thread that I took mine off at the beginning of Jan when my husband said he had to move out. I told him they just made me too sad and I asked for his back, telling him he could wear it when he deserved it. A few weeks ago, I gave him back his ring to wear/not wear as he decided and mine are in my jewelry box.

I think I've decided to put my wedding band back on. It's appropriate because I am still married, want to stay married and it's a little bit of "acting as if."

I feel sad when I look at my rings too. I usually wear my engagement ring and wedding ring, but a few weeks ago I took off my engagement ring. H&I both still have our wedding rings on. I have thought about taking mine off, but my D11 would notice in a heartbeat; she noticed that my engagement ring was off.

I also looked at our wedding album recently, which made me cry. And we have this incredible needlepoint framed over our bed that my aunt made in honor of our wedding. I keep wondering what do people do with all the stuff--years of photos, etc--when they split up? It just breaks my heart. My wedding dress is boxed and up in my in-laws attic. Do I get that back from them if we D?

Obviously, there are more important concerns--like the KIDS--but all the stuff and the symbols of married life that one loses are very painful things to consider too.

It's 10am and I haven't heard from my husband today. I know that he's not going to call/text/email for a while because he's at a conference, and while he travels a fair amount and I'm pretty used to it, today's trip is really affecting me. Every other time, he'd call me in the morning to say "Hi" and today's call was just for the kids. I'm sad and missing my partner.

I found out yesterday that the woman with whom my H had an EA with is back with her husband. Wonder if H knows that? As far as I know they haven't had any contact since November. Yes, I realize that he could be lying to me, but I don't think so and thankfully she's not the dental hygienist for my H's dentist anymore. (She got fired.) At the time they were emotionally involved, she had separated from her husband. I asked my H what was wrong with their marriage and he simply said they were a poor match. Her husband is 30 years older than her. Anyway, she moved back in...

It's harder some days than other, but you know that.
Even though she's unavailable keep your expectaions down as low as possible.

HUGS

I just heard back from a SBT therapist I found in my area. I'm glad I kept looking b/c this site wasn't able to give me a lead.

Anyway, I had a really good talk with the therapist and definitely feel that she's who I want to see in a little bit. My husband has said that he's not opposed to MC down the line, after he's gotten some sessions under his belt. Turns out that the T that I spoke with is very close with the T my husband is going to. The best thing about this is I found out that his T is very pro-marriage.

I have a bit of hope for some good movement down the line. I told the T that I will be calling her in the future for MC, whether it's me alone or with my H. She said that we could definitely do this and she would work with my H's therapist while seeing just me. Happy, hopeful day. (It helps that it's 70s and sunny and I've been gardening for a couple of hours. One of my favorite things.)

cw,

Good stuff. The weather is nice in these parts so enjoy the gardening.

good work CW!

Today was a good day, with just a little bad thrown in. We spent most of the day together busting out the tile in the front hall and laundry room. Worked well together. Then a neighbor watched the kids while we went and picked up the hardwood floors. Had a R talk during this time. It started because I told him about the therapist that I found, told him I'd like to go to her together sometime (but didn't push or ask when/if he'd be up for it) and told him that I didn't think I was going to continue to see the therapist I've been seeing because she's honestly not much help.

The conversation had some rough parts and I know he was uncomfortable at times. BUT, I still think it was good to have because a) he saw me not get angry, not start crying and staying collected and b) he actually disagreed with me and it was a 2-way conversation. H doesn't like to disagree. At one point I did have to pull him a bit out of his shell and it was a positive thing. As he was off staring, not looking at me and silent, I asked him, "What are you thinking right now? Right at this moment?" He said, "I thought we've gone through all this stuff before. Nothing every changes, I won't ever change your perspective. Perspectives never change." I was able to tell him that I didn't feel we ever talked THROUGH these things, that instead he would just clam up and I never felt like we made any progress. I also told him that I do think that perceptions can change, that by talking and by explaining his perspective I can come to different realizations and points. That it is possible.

The bad. Well, maybe I shouldn't have had any R talk, but I think it turned out OK in the end. (more on that later) He also said, "Well, maybe our lives are just headed in different directions." To which I said, "if we try, we can start to head them back together again, but if we don't do anything, yeah, they will just continue on these paths." Then I asked him where he thought his life was heading. He just said that he didn't know. That he really didn't know. I validated that. While it's not the answer that I wanted, it was the answer that I expected and it wasn't the answer I feared!

The reason that I think it ended OK was, as we were driving back after having this discussion, I reached over and put my hand on his leg and said, "I miss your touch, its comfort." And he actually placed my hand in his and put his other hand over it. Then we went out to dinner with the kids and I put my hand on him again and he placed his on top. But the kicker is not long before he went to the apartment, we were sitting on the sofa and HE reached over and took my hand and held it. Then as he went to leave, he hugged me a few times. Tight. And he really reached out to grab me to hug me.

I think some progress was made today.