I'm sure there's stuff that hasn't come up on the board or with the counselor, since I've only been on the board for a month and in counseling for 2-3. But I feel like I'm really good at being open with people about my feelings. What I meant by 'the dark side' is just what is still unnamed or unknown and hurting. If there is something I'm not sharing it's because I don't see it myself or I'm not looking at it. Which is pretty friggin scary if you ask me. Honestly I feel really depressed and disoriented about all of this. I guess my comfort zone is officially "I'm so healthy please don't notice my weaknesses."
Today was really hard. I did a good job in my piano quartet rehearsal and in my piano class. But afterwards I had to go hide behind the grand piano in one of the practice rooms and cry for a while. Next to a forlorn crumb from one of yesterday's muffins. After orchestra instead of going to aerobics and then back to school to practice I just came home and crawled into bed, with one of my hot 180 outfits on, nonetheless. I just sent my C an email to ask for advice.
I have always thought of organizing my emotions as a good thing but I can see now how sharing things that way can be very oppressive and controlling, and how this has damaged a lot of my relationships. I just really had blinders on about this and I feel pretty embarrassed and ashamed about it. When someone is sharing something with me I am a really good listener. But when I am sharing with someone else I think I will just keep going even if they don't want to deal with my stuff. So I have a lot more work to do.
I'm glad my C pointed this out to me, b/c I'm not sure how I would have figured this out by myself. But growing can be really painful sometimes.
So, I am very low, but cleaning out the basement, as it were...
Thank you so much for checking in and looking at my charts... you are so generous with your knowledge! I just tried to post on your thread but it's locked. Time for a new one! I will find you when you start your new thread. Until then I thought I would post here.
I just found your new thread. Man you have been doing some great work with your C - good for you! Tough at the time, but exciting to see the potential to be transformed!
Can I share my insights (but please ignore if I'm off the mark!). I see myself in you, (I was such a control freak), but I can see its easy to my situation confused with yours - so really please ignore if its not helpful.
I think a while ago you mentioned that you feel like a librarian - you've read so much but haven't had a chance to put things into practice. I feel the same... so this comes from my reading and processing rather than me actually being able to live it out.
I think at the heart of the question about BF choosing his career over you is.... wait for it.... control. Do you think its possible that you want to control him and change him in terms of his career and your R? It sounds like you want to figure out what you could have done to make him change, so that he could see things the way that you do (i.e relationship is #1 priority, and career #2). Actually real love is giving someone the space to be the person they are. Its impossible for them to be anything except for the person that they are being. And part of that might be accepting that for him it was more important to make some selfish decisions about his career and his location. And you cant / couldn't have changed who he was... so are you able to accept that that is who is? And do you want to be with someone who has those priorities?
It is so all about you, and realizing that you are the only one you can control.
Pre-marriage and during marriage I was a HUGE fan of love languages, mars & venus types books. I made H read them so that he could more effectively love me (ha! ha!!). The thing about all of that is to get really clear about what your 'wants' are vs. what your 'needs' are. And when you are single you realise that many of the things you thought were needs are really only wants. Yes I need food, and water. And I want to be appreciated, but I can actaully get through the day and be happy in myself without a single word of affirmation (my L.L)! I guess the point is that after reading those books I thought that it was my right to demand to have my 'wants' be met. But actually if I can only change myself I should have spent more time making sure I was communicating with H's L.L.
However in all my DB reading, I have worked out that while I couldnt change H I could influence him. And the best book I've read on that subject is "Why men marry Bitches"..... but I'm yet to convince anyone that its worth reading. BTW BITCH stands for Babe In Total Control of Herself - which is my goal. In my next relationship I'm going to be aware that the best way to influence a man is by actions - and more specifically withdrawing my fabulous attention, if something goes wrong. Rather than talking and talking about it, and recommemding H re-read the Love Language book again!
I also have tried to keep my emotions and thoughts under control. I wouldnt discuss a situation unless I had pre-thought it out. Sort of like I wouldnt trust myself to be able to go with the flow and handle things unexpectedly. I look forward to reading how you deal with this.
BIG HUGS - you are an inspiration T. Thanks for being so generous and sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings with us.
Hi T, I can relate to what you're saying about having harsh realisations and looking back at past Rs and seeing how my patterns of behaviour didnt help the R I was in...but for me, it was clouded by the fact that those Rs were so dysfunctional anyway, I felt like a paragon of virtue compared to the BF! My current one thuogh, I just feel embarressed, like you, as I too (Surprise surprise!) was a bit controlling..in that, I was always so forward looking and idealistic and strong and go getting and making us do x, y or z, that basically I guess I wasnt able to hear his opnions and didnt place enough value on his decisions. I would shout them down with a "C'mon! It will be fine!", instead of listening to his doubts. So, yep, I'm with you on that one. And yes we are all learning. But its so hard! Why couldnt we have learnt this stuff BEFORE they left?? Why do lessons in life have to be this hard/painful!? Its annoying. I think its brilliant that you are getting to more of the heart of things in your C though, thats real progress.
New thread is alive and kicking, which is more than I can say for myself.
Ali x -------------------- Me: 36 H: 34 LT: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08 3 months on
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I've been MIA...had an exam on Tuesday and just really busy. My best friend is getting married (i'm the maid of honor) and my brother is getting married (i'm in the wedding) 2 weeks apart from each other and the planning is heating up now.
I wanted to just tell you that reading your thread about your BF and the work you are doing in C SOOOO reminds me of where I have been.
In re: to your BF choosing his career over you when you were willing to give up so much...what you are describing is such a female attribute (being willing to give up your own dreams for your man's) I hope, through C, like me, you will begin to see your own worth and really truly BELIEVE that you are worth making sacrifices for. B/c T, you are worth making sacrifices for.
Beth
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Hi T! Where have you gone !? I emailed you the charts and some notes, I didnt have bags of time in the end, but I hope something in there is useful to you! I hope you are doing ok. My BF has asked to come over tommorow, excited and very stressed about it, dont want to mess up! Although, musnt get too excited.. Ali x -------------------- Me: 36 H: 34 LT: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Just wandering the boards and thought I'd come and find TransformerRayOfSunshine.
I am so sorry that you were feeling low earlier in the week. How are you doing now? I hope you're feeling a little better; I keep saying this, but please don't be too hard on yourself. We all have our faults, and we all have work to do on ourselves....No-one, except maybe Mary Poppins, is practically perfect in every way (hope you've seen the film or that won't make any sense!!).
I am trying not to crowd H with speaking, listening better and not building a wall around my heart that no-one will ever breach. And that's just for starters. Focus on the positive things about Transformer too! Fun, sensitive, caring, thoughtful, strong, intelligent, funny, supportive...I am sure the others also have things to add to this list....
This especially struck a cord
Originally Posted By: transformer
But afterwards I had to go hide behind the grand piano in one of the practice rooms and cry for a while. Next to a forlorn crumb from one of yesterday's muffins.
That is so lonely and sad- it reminded me of my crying on the tube episode last week. I think it was you who originally said this, T, but embrace the sadness- it's part of the rollercoaster. But once you've been sad, brush yourself off and keep going. You are so strong and such an inspiration to so many on these boards, and you have helped me countless times on the journey so far. We are all here if you need to vent.
Yesterday was better. I made a plan and I did the plan! I went to school, practiced my cello, worked out, practiced some more, shared some muffins, came home and made another fritatta and a new broccoli cheddar bean soup. It's a little funny, being in graduate school it's like I have too much of a life because I have way too much to do, but not enough either, because there's not a whole lot of social fun. I think that is why cooking is very therapeutic GAL for me... I am doing something positive and creative that isn't too demanding, and it's quiet, which is nice after being at school all day.
It is really weird, but this week I have been in a lot of emotional pain. It doesn't have a story attached to it, it's not the same as the anxious can't turn my head off worrying that has been happening. It's just pain, pain, pain. I think I might be experiencing it now b/c I didn't have the strength to feel it before. I just really thought I had been through all the pain I could feel, so it is strange to feel it now. But maybe that wasn't pain before, just shock and anxiety. There were a couple days this week where I just had to come home and crawl into bed right after school. It's probably just part of the journey, but it sucks. I think part of me is afraid to really feel the pain and/or grieve because I am afraid if I do I will lose my hopefulness and will to continue.
In the midst of all this, it seems to me that my B can't exactly be having a party either, but I am not sure, since I have no info on what he is experiencing.
I am thinking of all of you and sending you positive vibes...
I have been thinking about your post a lot. Can I give you a little backstory?
There has always been a lot of freedom in the R. For example every summer both of us would go off on our own adventures and do our own projects. That is part of why I didn't think it would be a problem to do long distance, because every summer we had done long distance for 2-3 months. Even last spring, my B told me that he was so proud that we were following our dreams, and that's why we were separated, b/c we were following our dreams.
When we were both in the same city, we would each make our own plans and then share what time was left over. But without thinking about it it's like it morphed into this toxic amalgamation of making our own life-long adventure plans and just expecting to be able to share what was left over with the other person. I think this caused a lot of anxiety for both of us, and it was expressed in different ways.
I think being separated was a lot easier for me than for him, and that's part of why I didn't realize how rough things were until the bomb.
So it's not that I do not want him to be free to follow his career. We both have a track record of letting each other be really free to follow our dreams. It's that now it's become clear that this mode hasn't been working, b/c he can't get what he needs emotionally when we are long distance, it feels like he is choosing career over me, instead of thinking of ways we could together be making our dreams come true, and staying together...??
Maybe I am not making sense... Please feel free to hit me with a 2 x 4 if I didn't "get" what you said in your post!
