Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Confusion of a WAW (Thread 7)

Oh my gosh Jenny, I got an LOL out of that. My D asked what was so funny.

Brit, I love Dodgeball all though it is such a bad movie. I love pretty much anything w/ Ben Stiller.

You are probably right about the UGH! being more negative. It is a rather Charlie Brown thing to say.

Oh yes - She is the queen of sending mixed signals and not doing what she says.

I had D last night, so we played at home this morning then went out for lunch - Same place we always go on a Sunday, but without W this time. I called W on the way and asked if she could watch D for an hour or two this afternoon while I run a few errands. Said that was okay, and I told her I'd bring D around after lunch.

I dropped D off and was pretty much in and out - I asked W if she wanted anything, but she said no, so I just left. Came home, took a nap, went out and did some stuff. Nothing exciting.

I went back to W's to get D - W told me all about what D had been doing, but wasn't all that talkative. We changed D, then W was all "Hey, we should fix your eyebrows". Off we went into her room while she trimmed my eyebrows for me. wtf?

She gave me a pile of stuff when I left - A meatloaf to cook, our second TiVo and a bunch of clothes I apparently forgot. No hug/kiss/ILY when I left. She hadn't left the house all day - Closest she got was carrying stuff to my car when I left.

She said she'd come over tomorrow or Tuesday and help me with painting and stuff, so we'll see if that really happens. I'm home tomorrow with D (W totally forgot), and have to take one of W's cats to the vet in the evening.

I'm talking to W on IM right now - So far she hasn't told me to leave her alone. I sent her a few photos of D stealing my dinner and eating her second round of food for the night... She seems cheerful, so at least that is something.

Are you enjoying the lovely Cleveland weather today? I like the 50some degrees, but I could do without all the rain.

I think getting lunch w/out W was a good move.

Don't get too excited - It will be below freezing and snowing for most of the week



Oh yes - D and I enjoyed ourselves. W isn't a whole lot of fun to be around right now. Well, sometimes she is, sometimes she isn't. It's so unpredictable...

Hi Brit. I'm home w/ Ds today for Presidents' Day. I have to set up an e-mail account. I only have our home one (not that H looks at if often) and my work one.

D and I are home too - Daycare is closed for 'training'. We've been up since 5, so we're ready for our nap already

Decided not to talk to W today - If she calls or IMs me, I'll be polite, but I don't really want to deal with her much. We have dinner plans set for Saturday and Sunday, so at least we'll have time together. Maybe her mood will have improved by then...

Dear Brit,

I've read your stitch on and off since you came on board. I went back to your first post just to kind of remind myself of some things and I had to smile when I read this from your first post.



Sweetie, I hate to sound so harsh, but I don't think you have used the LRT at all. You certainly haven't detached. I say that with softness in my voice (even if you can't hear it). How can you with a W like yours? You are so in love with her that you would jump through fire hoops to please her, but right now, I think that is impossible.

There are some options to look at here about your W's emotional rollercoaster (besides being a WAW), she posssibly could be bi-polar and should be tested.......I doubt it would be wise for you to mention that to her except if it was perfect timing, but maybe a good friend or relative could. She possibly could be starting menopause at an early age......and if she is, it's probably doing a number on her, but again, not for you to be the one to mention it. She could be having severe pms. But, more than likely, it is her ups and downs with the OM. You said yourself that when she was hurt at him or had had a fight with him she ran to you. Very obvious to me what she is doing there. She wants her ego petted and she knows you will do it. I'm concerned that those times she is spending with you (several days in a row)is when she is trying to make the OM jealous or she is ticked at him for some unknown reason. Maybe OM is not dancing to her tune or something so she plays her little games.
She knows where to go to get the petting she needs to feel better.

WAW's are so messed up in their head's that they are on a rollercoaster anyway, but I know with myself......I had no desire what-so-ever to be anywhere around my H when I was going through all of that. So, I find it kind of strange that she is doing this hugging/kissing routine and then backing off, etc. However, maybe some W's do. The only thing I know is, that she is just so screwed up that she honestly doesn't know what she wants. One day it is you, the next day it's the OM, and the next day she doesn't have a clue.

There was something she said about deleting a lot of people from her blog or IM or whatever it is, and I wondered if she was stringing more than one man on a line. Because, you see, it can become an addiction to women just like porn can to men. The more men you have competing for your time and attention and giving you your daily ego food, the more exciting it is. I don't know that the age difference has ever bothered her or not, but if it has, she probably needs to be reassured that she looks great, is hot, etc. It may not be a problem at all for her.....just a thought. I knew a couple where she was ten years older than him and she said the older they got the more pressure it was for her to keep looking as young as him.

Anyway, I hope you will re-read the chapter on LRT and detaching. I think you really need to do that, sweetie. I also think you are going to have to really detach before she is going to see what it is she really wants. Otherwise, she is going to continue to do the same thing she has all along.

I wish you all the best.

Sandi

Hi Sandi - Thanks for your input!



You're right - Did LRT at first back in September when I first started to read DR. There have been a lot of ups and downs since then that have made LRT difficult to maintain. I probably need to get back on that bandwagon, as it's just getting too insane right now.



While she does have a mood cycle, she most likely isn't bi-polar - She lacks the majority of the traits of mania. She is already on medication for depression, but I don't think it is particularly effective. Of course, medication can't fix a behavioral problem, but I'd expect it to do more than it does right now. Maybe she has a personality disorder; Maybe it is just WAW mode.

The cycle with OM is pretty consistent - She'll want nothing to do with me, and either spend time with him or just hide in her house. Whenever she gets mad at him, she'll do stuff with me to vent and process her emotions, and she'll spend a week or so hanging out with me and D all the time. She really doesn't have any friends who she can talk to or spend time with outside of work - No one she'd open up to anyway. Of course, last time "wasn't there for her" when she needed me, she blew up on me and was very angry...



If I had my way, I'd ship her off somewhere for a month for intensive therapy, where she didn't have to deal with myself or OM. When she is OM mode, she certainly has blinders on and can't see anything else going on in her life at all - She often makes social and financial mistakes when she is in that place, or just disregards everything completely. You probably have a better idea than me, but when OM is still in the picture, I can't imagine her mind is going to clear soon.



She has problems with her age, mostly because she is turning 36 in a week, but we've never had a problem related to our age difference - Has never even come up in conversations before. Most people think she is a lot younger than she really is, but she is very concerned with her appearance all of a sudden - Her weight, her hair, all of that stuff.



I realize now I really need to back off and leave her alone for a while - I don't think spending time together is helping either of us, and she obviously has a very long way to go before she's really herself again.

So, I take it you're suggesting just letting her do her thing for a while and trying to avoid getting overly involved in anything that is going on with her?

I think the problem you have is your W is the one controlling the times when you do things as a family. You need to say "no" more often when she wants to hang out. Maybe become more of the mystery guy - dont let her know what is going on in your life (except if it pertains to D).

What would happen if you gave the perception of the WAH? Your W might see this as a challenge to try and win you back. Doesn't the same thing happen with OM when he dates other gals? - it causes your W to only want to be with him more.

I think you are eventually going to get to being the WAH after a while of this craziness.

I agree with Sandi that you really need to try the LRT. How would you see the LRT back firing on you? I doubt your W has it in her to file for a D in the roller coaster state she is in.

Just be prepared for the next time she falls on her face and needs your help. You need to decide whether helping her just makes you a doormat.