Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Meredith - your 5 years..

Hmmm...I need to examine that. I don't think I'm doing things (at least not as often anymore) to get a reaction from him, or to teach him a lesson or anything, but I do think I tend to concentrate more on what will help for my M in the long run, maybe not necessarily on what's good for ME right now.

Guess I need to change my paradigm? Need to tell myself that what's good for ME right now, will be what's best for my M in the long run?




Me, too. And I know that's part of my problem. I still haven't figured out what is good for ME, what is right for ME, so it's awfully hard to communicate it to anyone else!

Do you go to counseling? I tell you what it has been so wonderful for me. AND MY KIDS. they don't go near as much as me but it has helped all of us.

Figuring out US alone is NEW. 20 plus years with someone is a long time. I KNOW - and just like you a struggle with the same questions....How can ow be fulfiling you? What happened to the man I loved? Why her not me?

Oh jeez' I could go on and on. Last night I couldn't get to sleep. ALL I saw was "visions of ow and H" making love and worse than that talking, hugging and being together. IT WAS KILLER and thinking about it right now is doing me no good...SO STOPPPING..."thought you have not served me well so leave!!!"

Enough about "them" back to us right?

Me time. It is hard - hard to think about only you but it is TIME. We need to do it for our daughters. What do you want HER to gain out of this? ME? That you need KNOWONE other than God to fulfill you. That you are a wonderful beautiful person -inside and out and that he doesn't define you.

My son? I want him to watch me grow and become a woman that he stands up and points "THAT IS MY MOM and she is AWESOME!". This summer I did some pretty stupid stuff...one thing in particular and he and I were talking aobut it around Christmas time...I asked him if it made him mad or what....You know what he said... He said "No, I just thought..oh come on mom you are the sane one...." (he is 19)

THEY ARE WATCHING and it IS NOT FAIR but the fact is that they are and to be honest the OUTCOME of them is heavily on our shoulders. My d11 is with me 95% of the time. The 4 days a week she spends with him is not near enough ....but see MY CONSISTANCY, MY FAITH IN GOD that I WILL BE OK that WE WILL BE OK is what she sees day in and day out.

First question - what would you do if he says no to helping get S9 to and/or from soccer? Take the answer to that question and utilize it.

Armed with that, send one email containing a copy of the schedule, the website from which it was obtained and your plan to juggle it all. If he wants to help, he'll help. I would keep the plan very concise, very simple, very unemotional.

Dear Coconut,

Attached you will find S9's soccer schedule, which I got from socergame.com.

The schedule makes things a little tricky since we also have D13 involved in x,y,z. I'm planning on making arrangements by l,m,n,o,p but any help that you could provide would be great!

Hope all is well,
Tpaschal

The email shows him that hey, you've got this! It also says any help you want to toss our way is welcome. Not to mention, you're doing your part of good will for the lawyer by keeping him updated.

Being dark does NOT mean you cannot be friendly and it does NOT mean that you literally have to disappear into a black hole. You have children, you're going to have interact with this guy whether anyone likes it or not. Being dark comes in by only initiating contact when it is necessary. If keeping him knowledgable of the children's activities is something that is necessary, do so - quickly, efficiently and without any personal reference. Really examine what you consider necessary, too. He might need to know that S9 enrolled in soccer, but he doesn't need to know that you went grocery shopping that day and grapes were on sale for $1.79 a pound.

Make sense?

Oh, let me throw in here that it isn't fair. It isn't fair and it sucks and it's hard and it's wrong and it's a big old mess. BUT, you are not going to be able to make this man accountable for his decisions nor his responsibilities no matter what you do. Guilt and demands will only drive him further away. It will remove a lot of the expectations and conflict if you just take this one for the team (ha, literally) and work out the schedules without his part being played by him.

And Cagz was right on when she said not to get a reaction. As hard as that is!!!!

Meredith and CMNM (and anyone else RCR or brandnewday trusting....anyone)

As you really dropped the rope and realized that D doesn't have to be the END of you did you grieve again?

I feel like that is what has been happening (yes the onion). I have heard more sermons about Lazurus lately. Jesus LET HIM DIE. Man - it just keeps hitting me. And "KEEP MOVING FORWARD"

Do I file? I don't think so....not right now. I still don't know. Shoot gotta get the rest of the seperation papers done. I know this....Marriage is two. This is NOT TWO.

We were going, me to a psychiatrist, and D13 and S9 to a Child and Family counselor, but haven't been able to since late October/early November since that is when H drastically cut funds. Cannot afford it right now.

Also not sure how much it was helping. Probably because then I was still so focused on H and saving the M. Not focused on ME. I mean, I did look back and examine how I had contributed to problems in our marriage, and things I now know I wasn't paying attention to or should have done differently, but I didn't focus on how to move forward for ME. For how to stop simply hoping and start living for NOW.




Yep, right there with ya. Been there, done that. I've tried the thought stopping a few times and haven't been that successful. I'm glad to hear it's helping you. I need to try it again and keep at it.




I guess for me that's one of the scariest things about this whole mess. I keep thinking, what if I'm not enough? Their dad is messing with their heads, and what if I'm so damaged myself that I can't keep myself together, much less help them keep it together? What if I mess them up even worse?

I KNOW I need to turn it over to God and have faith. I KNOW that's why I need to work on ME.

But, dang! This is HARD!

LOL! That is too funny. Hey, can I use that in real life? "Dear Coconut....." I can just imagine the look on his face. Teehee!




Yes, I think I've got this one figured out and do pretty well with it for the most part. I do try to only contact him about the kids' evening activities when it's impossible for me to do it on my own and one child or the other is going to have to miss an activity unless he helps.

But I'm having trouble convincing my in-laws of this. They are convinced that MAKING him SEE his responsibilities to his kids, MAKING him TAKE responsibility for his kids, will make a difference. They want me to take S9 out of soccer completely unless H agress to help, just to show him WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES will be to his kids if he doesn't stop shirking his responsibilities.

What they don't get is that right now HE DOESN'T CARE. He wants OUT. And he will justify it by any means necessary, even if it's to say, "Oh, LBS has got the kids involved in so many things that it's just too much for them. It's better if S9 quits soccer anyway." (I've heard some comments from him along those lines, even though H is the one who encouraged S9 to try soccer.)

I've tried to explain to my in-laws that making demands and guilting him into doing things may make him run further and run faster, since kids, responsibilities, and his sense of duty are some of the main things H is running away from, but they just don't get it.

Well, I think maybe my MIL gets it, but my FIL doesn't. And there's nothing I can do to stop them from saying whatever they are going to say to H.

Anyone have any suggestions on that?

I don't remember if I grieved all over again or not. Did I, CNMN???

I think I didn't. I remember feeling a lot more peaceful and taking the whole thing on as a challenge...but I don't remember grieving hard. I may have, though!

However, I do know this. You're restless and looking to fill that somehow. So you're saying "do I file?!?!" and such. Why? Why file? What would that change?

Instead, focus the restless somewhere else.

Hey, if you're bored, tpaschal's S9 could use a ride to soccer.... kidding, kidding...

Tpaschal,

I double dog dare you to call him 'Coconut' in the email!!!!

I can see where the in-laws are coming from, especially as his parents. We try to raise our kids to be accountable for their actions, and it's hard to let that go.

Maybe you should leave that between him and them. “Parents of Coconut, I completely understand where you are coming from. However, I have learned that I can only control my own actions – his are beyond my reach. It’s easier for me to handle things than be disappointed and worried when he doesn’t pick up his assigned share. So, I’m going to do what I can on my own to ensure that S9 gets the soccer time that he is looking forward to.” Let them scream at him if they want to, it’s their son.

If he sees your email – the upbeat yet dark email – and then he hears his parents harping, he’ll know what came from whom. Maybe it will help to hear it from another source (doubtful, but maybe).

As I remember it, I had one, ok 2 crazed days when served. I called my H and called him every name I could think of (I had asked to be warned before the papers came so the kids wouldn't see that, and it didn't happen). I spent the next two days crying my eyes out...to the point that my oldest son sat at the side of my bed until I fell asleep one night. It was awful. And then, (yes, I'm getting to the point now), I stopped that. I didn't want to be seen like that. Yes, I do save some whiny episodes for Mer, but that is it. From that point forward I decided that I was worth way more than how my H was treating me, and that I was going to have a great life. I guess this would be the point that I realized that the D didn't have to be the end of my life, and so, unlike you, I was done grieving. I started to get excited about my life.

But, we DBers are not all cut from the same cookie cutter. And, we all have different things going on... kids or no kids, younger or older kids, ow or no ow, etc. So, if your way is to peel slowly, then so be it. You know this about yourself. Find a way to work with it. Which, by the way, you are doing admirably.

See, just cuz TV night worked for me, it doesn't mean it would work for someone who is feeling too raw to have their H around, eating up all their hot wings and chips. I am just here to offer what worked for me, and hopefully to help you to find what works for you. Well, really I am just here to say, "what she said," every time Meredith writes.

And, Mer, for the record, we were outta touch during your D and letting go period. You came back in my life with uh, other fish to fry, so to speak. So, I am not sure how you handled this, but I am guessing awesomely.

And, by the way, what is it with you calling me CMNM? I prefer Pam, thankyouverymuch. How funny...aren't you the same girl who posted my state, H's name, and probably my social security number too?

ok laughing really laughing...