Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Meredith - your 5 years..

[/quote]

This weekend was ok. I survived. The movies all played a HUGE roll and I feel in my spirit that it is time to LIVE AGAIN. I watched Good Will Hunting and even stinkin' Meet the Robertsons (A disney movie) the saying at the end was "KEEP MOVING FORWARD..." And uh the theme of Good Will Hunting....the same...and a sermon I heard yesterday.....fell into the same thing. SO WHATYA THINK??? Maybe I should keep moving forward!!

As the anniversary of him leaving is coming I notice that I have been really really loomed with saddness. Do I think he will file? Don't know - why would he? The seperation papers settle everything. Why wouldn't he? who knows. I sure dont anymore.
play out for d11.

This weekend d11 is gone with him - or is suppose to be. Trying to find things to do but truthfully I don't have any single friend...and the friends I have are very family oriented and friday night is family night. (Something we always did.) SO I dont know what to do.....

Cagzmom,

What CMNM said (about being afraid to look toward the future in a positive way because that would mean we were admitting that the relationship was over) really hit home with me.

I think that's EXACTLY where I am. Teetering on that fence.

Everyone keeps saying, "make your own happiness," and "you can't wait around on him, you have to do what makes YOU happy," etc., etc.

And I've been countering with, "But I WAS happy. What made me happy was being a stay-at-home mom with my kids. I could stay involved in their schools and in community activities and fundraisers while they were at school and then be completely THERE for them when they were home. But now that happiness is being taken away."

H keeps telling me that I don't really love him, that I just want to hang onto the M because I'm scared of being on my own. That's just stupid---who in their right mind would stand for their M through this crazy MLC crap if it wasn't for love?---but I think that I am scared. Not scared of being without him, though I do still MISS him so much, but scared of going on to something new.

Giving up my old dreams, giving up my old happiness, and trying something new.

It's been so long since I was in the classroom. I know teaching strategies have changed alot in the past 14 years. What if I'm not good at it anymore? What if I don't like it anymore? And the biggest fear---is it going to take me away from my kids? I know it will to some extent, and I am afraid of that. Afraid that I'll be tired and pulled in so many directions that I won't be able to be fully present for them.

I know that fear is not coming from God. I KNOW I need to turn it over to Him. I KNOW this. But I'm afraid to DO it. Still SO afraid of moving forward, because it would feel too much like "giving up."

I need to keep hearing the message that my journey has to be about ME, not about him. I need to hear it over and over and over again.

I watched ‘Meet the Robinsons’ this weekend too! My five year old loves that movie and we hear "I have a big head, and little arms...I'm not sure how well this plan was thought through" on a daily basis. Mostly after we tell him do something.

Sorry, off topic. Although...maybe if your H asks you something ridiculous you can put S5's logic to use.

Ah, the single friend dilemma. Yep, been there and done that. Back to the group recommendation. Is there a running group in your area - maybe organized through a local gym or in your 'community education' flyer/booklet/thingamabob that shows up quarterly at our house? Is there a local tennis club that offers cheap lessons? Are there a lot of Sunday open houses that you can go to for real estate finds? Find group activities and then you don't have to feel like the third wheel or like you're pulling someone out of the house. OR, focus on a project. My weekend projects with the children gone include(d) cleaning the basement, organizing the garage, etc. Granted, I have a sickness and actually like that nonsense, but nonetheless. Now if I had a weekend to myself I'd focus on the photography I'm trying to establish as a hobby.

You're doing so well, I'm so proud! It is all about YOU!!

Yes, I see what you are saying. You WERE happy. Now you're not. You want what you had, darn it.

Okay, well that's good. Except, no. Just because you were happy then doesn't mean that you cannot be happy now, in this different life. It's not going to be easy, but it's possible!

Sweetie, if your husband dropped the younger girl and came home tomorrow, your life still wouldn't go back to what it was. That's in the past. We're working toward the future, here.

CMNM can relate a lot to your thread I'm sure and offer some great advice and suggestions for wading through some of this stuff. She also happens to be very active in her children's lives, her community and her job (which happens to be in the teaching profession).

I personally feel that I've done a pretty okay job raising my children while working more than full time, but I also chose this path. So, I may not be able to be as objective over that as you need me to be.

That said, THIS is where I struggled too:



I was NOT giving up on my marriage, come hell or high water. I WAS NOT. Yeah. It didn't work.

You have to (see, I'm being bossy- YOU HAVE TO) stop thinking of the marriage as the tug-of-war rope. It isn't. A marriage is made up of two people and all that comes with them (emotions, strengths, weaknesses, personalities). It isn't something you can stake a flag into and say "MINE". I learned that the hard way. The very very hard way.

So, stop about the marriage. What if he died? What if you found out you had cancer? It would suck, right? Of course. But you wouldn't have a choice, you wouldn't be able to say, "NO". You would be forced to live your life - and put on a positive outlook.

What if someone said to you, "tpaschal, I'm sorry but this is it. This is how you are going to live the rest of your life." What would you change? Start there.

Your goals should be about improving yourself, for yourself. FIND your happiness. MAKE your happiness.

Cagzmom up there finds happiness in running. I would die trying. My favorite workout is pilates. We're different, but have the same goal - clear head, physical fitness, wellbeing. There has to be SOMETHING you're interested in. SOMETHING that makes you want to get up in the morning. Not SOMEONE, mind you.

tpaschal, I've "won" this odd little game. My husband is back and all is honkey dory. Yet, if he left tomorrow and said "sorry, Mer, I tried" I'd be sad but not broken. Not the case five years prior when he left the first time. I broke. What's different? I found ME!

ok I have to say it. This is a good thread.
hope others read it...

I pulled this out because yesterday, when I was talking to my H about my obsessive need to get every point possible in every class I take (too bad there is no nerd icon like in yahoo...), he stopped me and asked, in all seriousness..."Is this why you are trying so hard to save this marriage? Do you just want to be perfect at everything?" So, my job here is to let go of the idea of perfection and be ok with 'above average.' (I couldn't bring myself to type the word "average.")

So, your job is to show your H that you are not afraid to be alone. This is NOT going to push him away in the way you think! I know you are thinking what most people here do, "If I act self sufficient he will think that I am fine and move on."

Wrong, wrong. WRONG!!!

If he thinks you are in a marriage just out of neediness, that will send him away lots quicker.

One of the things that is drawing my H back to me is my newfound independence. With that comes improved decision making, which I sucked at before. And guess what? That used to drive him crazy. Now I know what I want, I go after it, and I am much more interesting. Who knew?

I used to do that "but I WAS happy" thing, too. I was pissed because I was home for my first 2 kids, but then had to work while the 3rd is still at home. But, what choice do I have? I had to do it regardless, so how I chose to handle it was a very important thing. I could have kept saying, "S #3 isn't having the life his brothers did," all the while still having to work, or I could suck it up, go to work, and do everything I could to have time with him in another way. The second way didn't add more guilt to my H, and it didn't push him farther away.

Look, everyone here can talk about what SOB's their spouses are. The truth of the matter is, it is far more common that WAS's actually really do care about their kids than don't. They may not seem like it, as they left the house. And, maybe they stay away from the kids longer than you think you could. But, they have lots of factors at play, too. And guilt does strange things to a person.

I could have fallen into the victim trap and decided that my H couldn't possibly love his kids if this is what he was doing to them. I didn't. (Ok, maybe there were moments of that, but I snapped out of it quickly.) I did everything I could to keep those relationships going. I didn't punish him by celebrating holidays or birthdays without him (believe me, many people told me to let him feel what it would be like without us). I had him here for EVERYTHING, even if at times it made me really uncomfortable. I am not saying that you are doing any of these things, I am just trying to illustrate that yeah, things can be difficult, but you'll be a lot better off if you just suck it up and keep moving forward.


Did you ever let yourself entertain the thought that your NEW happiness might even be your new, IMPROVED happiness????



What if you're great at it? What if you LOVE it???
See, you won't know either way until you try.

And, if you hate it, well, then you will know to keep moving on to something new. This is about you and your happiness.

Sweetie, I need to tell you this...
regardless of your marriage working or not working, some day your kids will be out of the house. You need to have things for YOU and you alone, or you will be running into this same issue then. And God help us, we cannot be on here trying to keep you off of the pool boy because he 'fulfills' you.

CZM,
Totally off topic, but have you seen the Sarah Silverman/Matt Damon video? If not, check it out on Youtube. It is one of the funniest things I have seen in a long time. Thought you'd appreciate it cuz there's a "Good Will Hunting" reference in it.

P.S. It's kind of um, bad. But really funny. If all the language in GWH didn't bother you, this shouldn't.

I think this counts as a GAL activity, no?

And YES, I am working on my paper! Snow day today.

Another good saying...

WE ROCK!

Hey, Mer! Just thought I'd say hi.
You give great advice. And you ask good questions.

Can I marry you instead?

Yeah, that would work- 2 crazymakers in the same house.

Oh, I mean reformed crazymakers.