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A Positive Update;

WAW's relationship with OM is over. She comes to me last week and says that she's "been so stupid", she's "screwed everything up" and that she is "sorry it has taken her so long to get here". It's the first apology I've had.

I did not react with excitement. I reaffirmed that she was and is the one for me and that I had always wanted our marriage to work. She started sobbing and said 'I [she] doesn't deserve that'. I just said that noone was judging her.

She then said that she is sorry we didn't both work on our marriange when we were in it.

She told me that she had a brief relationship with OM and that it brought up things she had not dealt with. I thought brief was a euphamism given we are closing in one one year apart and they were still together at Easter.

I was friendly but not over-effusive. I had prayed and hoped for this moment for a long time but when it came it was a little underwhelming. I could just see all the barriers to reconciliation. Strange to say the least. Anyway, I didn't act on the perceived barriers and remained relaively open. I got a text message later saying thanks for listening.

Our S was sick and went to hospital yesterday for some tests and WAW turned up and was friendly and helpful. Since then we'cve had a more open and regular dialouge. She's also told some friends 'she'll never divorce me' which is a major shift from the agressive legal tactics used early in the separation.
WAW acknowledged that she had depression, another first.

Lastly, some of the old criticisms and attacks are still out there and friends and family warn me to be careful.

All in all it was a good DBing moment. Having read C_K's thread though, I know we've got a loooong way to go.

Kiwi

Indeed some positive stuff going on here. You are right to be cautious , the rollercoaster ride is not over yet , but this is good stuff.

Dave

Kiwi,
Good stuff indeed. Especially your open, but not overly effusive response. Obviously, you have been paying attention to the others round here and know that this is just part of the process and that it takes a long time for someone in your W's sitch to really heal. You being there for her to listen can only help the odds of a positive outcome for you all. Time will tell if that is together or apart. Either way, you are doing fantastic.

SD

Hi everyone.

WAW came to me and asked to have coffee. I agreed and at that coffee she asked 'if I had moved on or not because she needed closure one way or the other; she wanted to know if there was any hope for reconciliation?'.

I answered that I loved her and always would but that I couldn't answer the question, only time could tell us but that I had not moved on. She answered 'f**k, I thought you'd say that. (That response left me a bit surprised as I don't know what it meant). Then she said " I guess we're in limbo then' and I replied that I was pretty familar with limbo having been there for 10 months'. At least she laughed at my semi-serious response.

She then went on to dexribe how angry she is with her Mother who has 'told everyone that she (WAW's M) doesn't agree with WAW's choice for treatment for depression. I simply answered saying WAW's mother had not told me that.

We finished up by her saying that maybe we could keep talking to each other and rebuild the trust. I answered affirmitively.

Since that coffee she's asked me for some advice about a project she's working on and we've had better communication about our S. If the only thing to come of it is better communication in the interests of S3, then so be it.

Having said that; I have had so many feelings about these conversations. Does WAW really think that better communication will overcome the hurt and betrayal? I don't dwell on those but some day they're going to have to be discussed as they've helped shape me into a different person than she walked away from.

Anyway, I'm being open but I'm not pursuing her or suggesting we get together. The downside is the R discussion seems to be on hold again.

So, here'e where I need advice. How do I/we take this forward? any successful DBers that can offer guidance from here. Or is this one of many baby steps???

Hi everyone.

WAW came to me and asked to have coffee. I agreed and at that coffee she asked 'if I had moved on or not because she needed closure one way or the other; she wanted to know if there was any hope for reconciliation?'.

I answered that I loved her and always would but that I couldn't answer the question, only time could tell us but that I had not moved on. She answered 'f**k, I thought you'd say that. (That response left me a bit surprised as I don't know what it meant). Then she said " I guess we're in limbo then' and I replied that I was pretty familar with limbo having been there for 10 months'. At least she laughed at my semi-serious response.

She then went on to dexribe how angry she is with her Mother who has 'told everyone that she (WAW's M) doesn't agree with WAW's choice for treatment for depression. I simply answered saying WAW's mother had not told me that.

We finished up by her saying that maybe we could keep talking to each other and rebuild the trust. I answered affirmitively.

Since that coffee she's asked me for some advice about a project she's working on and we've had better communication about our S. If the only thing to come of it is better communication in the interests of S3, then so be it.

Having said that; I have had so many feelings about these conversations. Does WAW really think that better communication will overcome the hurt and betrayal? I don't dwell on those but some day they're going to have to be discussed as they've helped shape me into a different person than she walked away from.

Anyway, I'm being open but I'm not pursuing her or suggesting we get together. The downside is the R discussion seems to be on hold again.

So, here'e where I need advice. How do I/we take this forward? any successful DBers that can offer guidance from here. Or is this one of many baby steps???

Now I am not a sucessfull DB'r but us Kiwis need to help each other so my 2c worth , better make that 10c as there is no 2c any more.

Thats a pretty big baby step IMO . She asked you if there is a way back. I think you have done well and let her know the door is a little open but its going to take time. Now she needs to do some of the work.

Try not worry abouth the hurt and betrayal stuff right now , plenty of time for that later. If your true Goal is to save your M then its going to be one small step at a time.

She asked you for Coffee , thats great , perhaps you make the next invite. it looks as though she is wanting to have a look , just take it slow and reward good behaviour !

Dave

Kiwi,
I think there is some advice in DR about how to "piece". You may want to try a DB coach and/or look for a solution based MC locally. Also, maybe post your question in the piecing forum and see if some old-timers there can help.

That said, I agree with Dave. Just be the person you are. Be kind and considerate to WAW. Be a GREAT listener, validate her problems, etc. Just use what you have learned over these months. If you are really right each other, you both with figure it out together.

SD

Cheers SD, and thanks for your and C_K's help and advice here

Update; where do I start. WAW gave me a card thanking me for giving her my friendship and saying she was sort that she wasn't there for me for a while but she was there for me now. We've had a few joint outings with S3 and I was invited over for dinner with WAW, S3 and WAW's parents. Things seem to be superficially OK but I wonder why she wants a reconciliation. Is it money (she'd commented to friends how hard it was to find a rich man or any good man and I earn a good living)?

Tonight our Nanny who's leaving us b/c she can't deal with WAW's mood swings told me that one of WAW's friends had cornered her (the Nanny) up and said that the marriage was awful and WAW was happier now.

When the Nanny said she didn't know, she was told 'it's easy for outsiders you know'. WAW's friend was always a flake but for some reason this really annoyed me. I kept my cool and havn't reacted but the hurt and betrayal appear to be bubbling just beneath the surface for me.

I can still see the angry, bitchy WAW and that really worries me. I've changed so much, through DBing and through the simple neccssity of surviving a WAW. Burt has she, I can't tell and it's making me subconciously back off.

any advice from anyone???

Update; where do I start. WAW gave me a card thanking me for giving her my friendship and saying she was sort that she wasn't there for me for a while but she was there for me now. We've had a few joint outings with S3 and I was invited over for dinner with WAW, S3 and WAW's parents. Things seem to be superficially OK but I wonder why she wants a reconciliation. Is it money (she'd commented to friends how hard it was to find a rich man or any good man and I earn a good living)?

Tonight our Nanny who's leaving us b/c she can't deal with WAW's mood swings told me that one of WAW's friends had cornered her (the Nanny) up and said that the marriage was awful and WAW was happier now.

When the Nanny said she didn't know, she was told 'it's easy for outsiders you know'. WAW's friend was always a flake but for some reason this really annoyed me. I kept my cool and havn't reacted but the hurt and betrayal appear to be bubbling just beneath the surface for me.

I can still see the angry, bitchy WAW and that really worries me. I've changed so much, through DBing and through the simple neccssity of surviving a WAW. Burt has she, I can't tell and it's making me subconciously back off.

any advice from anyone???