Well, supposed to see W for dinner and production tomorrow. I feel stressed about it. I'm sure there won't be any R. talk, so I guess I don't have to worry about that.
I've done a fantastic job of driving myself insane this afternoon, and here is my method:
1. choose a random, torturous thought re: WAS.
2. even though there is no basis to think of this thought as true, focus on the thought and replay as though it is true
3. repeat until chest tightens, gut churns, and heart hurts
Today, my chosen focus was/is: imagining that my W must be out with friends right now, socializing on a Friday night, perhaps eyeing/being flirty / flirted with by other men, and not thinking about me. Oh, I feel really in a state--just can't imagine all this not being true.
4. for dessert, I find it really works well to seal in the insanity to take the above thoughts and give myself a healthy berating comparison:
While she is out relaxing with all her friends and not even thinking about me, I'm a loser who has no friends and is sitting at home feeling like crap...feeling like somehow I'm waiting for the proverbial phone to ring (a phone that usually feels like it's not even plugged in!).
Repeat method as needed; guaranteed to produce enough stuckness, frustration, and sense of going out of one's mind to last all night long. _______________ Well, the hardest thing for me right now is that I feel so insignificant in her world, but still like my world is oriented around her. I feel like the crazy one who can't get it together in this mess. Trying to work on this w/GAL. My PMA today really sucks, though. I need to get myself into better shape for tomorrow.
Purr...This sounds exactly like my method of torturing myself! I feel exactly the same way at times. I imagine him out, with friends, I picture him laughing, spotting woman across the bar, generally having a great night out. And no, he doesnt spare a thought for me..and whilst he is actually getting on with his life and managing to, I am merely trying (and its slow going), I sit home every night with no friends here, focusing on him and what he's up to, feeling humiliated that he WA without even trying, like a pathetic reject..etc etc ad naseum.
Then I get on the phone to my friend, and she reminds me that he looks and sounds miserable. That, yes, he's out in a bar, but thats only becuase he cant bare his own company (or sits home drinking wine) and yes he will have some laughs, but those people are alot younger than him and theres something faintly sad about a man in his mid 30s sat in a bar doing shots with 22/24 year olds. Me and my friend went out at that age, and we used to get eyed up by guys in their mid 30s and we would think them sad and pathetic... So I suppose its just a matter of perception!
I agree, I feel so insignificant in his world after being the most signinficant thing, the person he confided in, the one person who listened to him, the only person who has helped him to realise a few dreams and been there for him when his Dad died and then we go from that to this, when I cant even be sure if or when he will call. I have realised now that thats what the DB books mean about PMA...turn your mind around to the positives. Let it go. Easier said than done though!
Despite what you wrote I think you're doing amazingly well and you give such excellent advice on other peoples threads that you seem to have a good handle on your own and others sitches.
It is a sad thing she said to the MC, but then realistically, shes the one that made the decision, so this is going to be easier for her. If anything, she is the one in control, so she doesnt have all that to contend with as we do have, the feeling of having no say or power in your life, that this person you shared your life with has just taken a momumentous decision without involving you in it which affects you so hugely. They are the ones though that will have to live with that decision and their actions now for the rest of their days. In the case of my BF, I wouldnt want to have to do that. He often said after the bomb that he "hated himself" for what he's done, thats terrible!
Ali ____________________ Me: 36 H: 34 LT: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08 no change
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
A)You can sit around all weekend, letting your thoughts and worries tear you to pieces, or...
B)You can GAL.
If you choose A, fine. I've done that. My suggestion: don't do it half-azzed. Face your fear. Embrace the pain like it's your lover. Feel it seep into every molecule of your being. Drown in it. Fall to the floor sobbing. Get it out. And in the end, if you've done it right, you will accept, not fear, accept, that things may not work out and one day you might be single again.
Then go on to B). If you're having trouble doing the GAL thing, go to my GAL thread. There are some awesome suggestions there.
Come on...both of you. Quit the worrying and obsessing. You have no control. Let go. I can tell you from experience, weekends are tough. So have a plan.
Hang tough.
Bomb
P.S. Ali, you're not anywhere near Darwin, are you? I've spent a lot of time in Darwin.
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Bomb, you are the voice of our conscience! Thanks for your support.
I have spent many an hour knelt on the carpet sobbing, I've cried and howled so hard driving back home to an empty house, I couldnt see the road and nearly crashed several times. I've cried so hard, I eventually realised I was rocking back and forth like a crazy person. I guess I can see I'm not as bad as I was, as that stage is over now. The GAL is a bit slow in coming, but then we had moved to a new place and anyway, my partner was my life, unfortunately, I enjoyed being with him 24/7 and didnt expect him to be going anwhere. I guess thats the same for you Purr?
No, I'm not in Darwin (is that NZ?) I'm in the tip of England, right in the toe! Furthest point south. Its a bit sticksville and not much doing, but the coastline is amazing.
How is your weekend Purr? I am teaching myself songs on the guitar ;-)
Oooooppps! Sorry Ali, for some strange reason I thought you were an Aussie. My mistake.
You said something I kind of zero'd in on: "...my partner was my life." I think too many of us rely too much on our partners as a source of our identity. Don't know...but I do think that our relationship problems can force us to GAL, so we're not so wrapped up in our partners.
Just babbling here.
I think Purr is out this evening. Hope it goes well.
Sorry to sound a little harsh earlier, but when I was in this stage of grief, there were some folks on this board who gave me a good kick in the arse and got me moving again. Sometimes that's what ya need.
Now, Ali, what time is it there in ol' Blighty? Going on about two in the morning? You pulling an all nighter? Insomnia?
bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Bomb, I smiled reading your butt-kicking message...it was harsh, but it did help a bit when I read it!
Ali, yes I identify with many of your feelings and experiences. Still go through lots of kleenex around here, and have had those kinds of awful sobbing experiences more times than I can remember. They have truly been the most painful feelings I have had in my life. And yes, being overcome with tears suddenly while driving happens for me to--but pull over and be safe!!
Just got back awhile ago from my dinner and theatre outing with W. I picked her up outside her place (this was new--we'd always met somewhere neutral first, or taken two cars). We had a good evening I think...no R. talk as expected, but it was okay because we can at least do this in MC. There was some laughter and she mentioned a couple of "remember when..." memories--that seemed new to me, but I don't think it necessarily means much. Afterwards, drove her home and we talked about non-R. stuff for about 10 minutes, then she gave me a very brief in-car hug and bid her goodnight. (no hug upon the greeting this eve)
It's painful to drive away with the sense that we live in two separate places. The whole night I was so aware that physically there is no contact or touch between us whatsoever. This is so strange because I realize how much we always used to be touching each other in conversation, sitting next to eachother, holding hands, etc. Tonight she sat in her seat during the play with arms in her lap or crossed--such that we would not even accidently touch elbows on the armrest. I remember looking at her this evening thinking that this is someone I have kissed, been intimate with...(and not so long ago!!) and yet now it's like there is an unspoken rule/sense that we can't even touch...almost like physical intimacy is something that never happened between us. It's so weird and incongruent. I wanted very much to kiss her this evening but I could tell that we're light years away from even the possibility of that!
Came home and cried again, that weird sense of even though things went pretty well--at least nothing negative happened--I feel like she is so far away. Hard to imagine anything for our future beyond a totally platonic experience. I know that it's possible things may slowly evolve, and that relative to where they were a month or two ago, this is actually pretty good news...arg...still feel pretty crap about it. It's tough when you know that your partner doesn't feel the same way about you. I still think she's beautiful, attractive...was kicking myself this evening for being such an idiot to neglect this part with her.
Well, I'm tired and that usually makes me see things more negatively. I've cried quite a bit tonight since coming home and probably just need to go to bed. There's loads more I could write about how I was comparing myself negatively (of course) to her and her life, but I think it's better to just shut that down for now and save it for another rainy day post!!
Thanks a lot for your support everyone. Any comments are welcome!
SOunds like it went well then? Its a miracle you got to spend an evening with her and well done on being able to keep the conversation going without R talk and even make her laugh a little. I tried that last week and it was ok, but I ended up being quiet at times. You were bound to be upset when you got home, its so unnatural, this person thats so familiar and lovely to you, sat there with a "do not touch" exclusion zone around her. I can relate to that..me and my BF were packing a box together and he was so near I could smell him and all I wanted to do was hug him, yet I knew I couldnt touch him.
Its awful to look back and kick yourself on what you did wrong, I do the same. But I also accept taht my BF was a crap communicator and just didnt tell me how unhappy he was, or why. Perhaps your W should have let you in sooner on how she was feeling, given you a chance to remedy the sitch instead of leaving. Its so hard to bear though, I know. I find it impossible to understand that he doesnt want to touch me or be physical anymore, but in a way, they are protecting themselves, its a barrier, a boundary that they cant cross, whether they wanted to or not. No way of knowing if they want to, and are just hiding it, or whether that feeling is no longer there for them I guess, right now.
What can you do to make your life more full, more excitable, give you things to talk to her about? Can you join a class, a group, go away somewhere for a few nights? Anything !
I was learning how to play Fake Plastic Trees (mastered it!) and Street Spirit (no chance) by Radiohead, on guitar. I feel proud to have learnt a song, as my guitar playing is not great!
You both sound sooooo much better than you did a couple of days ago. Purr, I think you handled the evening like a pro.
The loss of the physical part of the relationship is excrutiating...I know. My W was a real tiger between the sheets, very affectionate day-to-day. Now, when I get a hug or a little peck on the cheek, it's like my heart explodes. It's been over a year since we ML. And yes, they are repulsed by your touch. Yes, it's weird, but common with MLCers.
But maybe this is a good thing. I used to take the physical part of the relationship for granted. A hug or kiss was no big deal. ML with her was nice, fun, but after 20+ years, sort of routine.
Believe me...I will never take a hug or kiss for granted again. Each one will be a gift.
Enjoy your Sunday, friends.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Thanks for your comments. Yeah, the "do not touch" zone for some reason really was upsetting me yesterday. It's particularly hard when we actually are having an enjoyable time to have that part missing. I totally identified with the "being able to smell" the other person part. I guess it's so naturally associated with being physically close to the partner.
You're right on about the part of the partner not communicating their hurt / concerns...this is definitely true of my W. I'm not responsible for that part of things, which in my view is a pretty significant contributor to the difficulties.
I'm looking into a couple of groups that I can connect with re: some hobbies/sports I do, more for the social aspect. I feel terribly lonely and isolated and not very good at making friends, so this is something I really need to work at building for myself. It's really hard for me to do; I feel like my world is so pathetic in this regard to that of my W. Anyway, so I've taken a couple of action steps there, and will be pushing myself to connect more.
Good job on the guitar! I play a little, sometimes helps me to relax a bit.
What you wrote definitely validates my experience. Didn't sleep too well last night and jolted awake by the phone ringing this morning. I'm going to meet with a friend I haven't seen for many years this morning...she's just passing through town with her H. That's a nice surprise. It will be good to give me something to do and some contact. I don't seem to have been able to shake how I'm feeling...I've just been crying non-stop this morning--I mean really crying and sobbing--not even sure why, but I feel terribly lonely right now and hopeless.
I guess it was pretty stressful to see my W. last night and I'm probably still "decompressing"? I think I feel very frustrated too about myself and how well she ? seems ? to be doing in comparison. I feel really broken inside and like I am soooo far "behind" where I need to be...like somehow I need to race to catch up to where she is to be feeling okay, somehow having at least as good a life as she is. I feel like a real failure, like I fall so short on all these fronts. I know I've been doing the right steps re: DBng and my interactions with her, but it is hard to put into words how incredibly much my heart hurts and the emptiness. So many tears this morning. I feel so much sadness and hurt right now.
Well, I better go get ready to go see my friend. Got to put some kind of structure / activity into my day. I must sound like I am whining like a child, but I feel really overcome with the loneliness and hurt this morning like I haven't felt it for some time.
