Brit, I think both of us are alike in the fact that we know what we need to do. We just have a hard time doing it. I wonder if our WASes will ever run into each other while they are at the bakery picking up their cake to eat.
So, I take it you're suggesting just letting her do her thing for a while and trying to avoid getting overly involved in anything that is going on with her?
I think most people want what that can't have too easily. You have been there at her beck and call. You need to GAL and be a lot less available. Don't tell her everything that you do. If she asks questions like you said she did when you first tried the LRT, don't lie but just don't tell everything in detail. If you dress up and go walking around the mall or drive around town, just tell her that. But she will wonder if there's more to it. She needs to get curious and interested in your life. If she thinks that you could possibly have a life without her.....she will perk up and start paying attention!
Let her be the one to make the phone calls, emails, etc. Unless of course it's about the D. She should not feel as though she has the right to come and go as she pleases. You may have other plans......right? When she calls on the phone, be upbeat and nice, listen, but be sure to tell her you need to go first.....that's what the book says (lol). In other words, you are playing hard to get. That's old fashion, but sweetie, it works!
You asked if I was suggesting that you let her do her own thing for a while. Well, there isn't a lot you can do about what she does anyway....but I prefer to call it backing off or detaching. I really think by going out to dinner with her or buying groceries or whatever, she is not going to miss what she had. You really have not given her a chance to miss you and the home life she had with you. At least, that is my take on it, unless I missed something (and I could have). But that is what I think detaching is all about. They need to see what it is like to be without you. You weren't there when she needed you? Good! She needed to see what that was like.....not having you around when she needed you. Don't run to her and rescue her so quickly. That was your job before she removed herself from your home. Not now. I know, I know, you could think of a hundred reasons as to why you should, but that's not the point.
I really feel sorry for her b/c she is so miserable and doesn't know what she wants. If it isn't a physical/hormone thing, then I wish she would get into therapy b/c she needs guidance from a professional......and one that is a pro marriage.
In the meantime, please read the DR book again. You may want to do the LRT the real way this time....lol.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Brit, I think both of us are alike in the fact that we know what we need to do. We just have a hard time doing it. I wonder if our WASes will ever run into each other while they are at the bakery picking up their cake to eat.
By the look of my W today, one of her cats took a big crap on her cake...
I think the problem you have is your W is the one controlling the times when you do things as a family. You need to say "no" more often when she wants to hang out. Maybe become more of the mystery guy - dont let her know what is going on in your life (except if it pertains to D).
What would happen if you gave the perception of the WAH? Your W might see this as a challenge to try and win you back. Doesn't the same thing happen with OM when he dates other gals? - it causes your W to only want to be with him more.
You're probably right - Being less available and mysterious is a good step. I certainly agree that the whole "they want what they can't have" is a significant factor. W pretty much knows I'll be around, so maybe if I'm not she'll wake up a little.
I'm sure I will get a "Why don't you care anymore" response - That is what happened the first time around.
Originally Posted By: KerryK
I think you are eventually going to get to being the WAH after a while of this craziness.
Certainly everyone has their breaking point, that's for sure. You've made the WAH comment a few times - What makes you believe that?
Originally Posted By: KerryK
I agree with Sandi that you really need to try the LRT. How would you see the LRT back firing on you? I doubt your W has it in her to file for a D in the roller coaster state she is in.
Just be prepared for the next time she falls on her face and needs your help. You need to decide whether helping her just makes you a doormat.
At the very least I need to do something different - What I'm doing right now doesn't seem to be getting anyone anywhere. I have no idea if my W would file D or not - I would think the more relaxed she is and the less she has to actually deal with anything related to the M, the less she'll care about filing for D. Of course, she can't afford an attorney right now either, so I don't think she'll do much.
I think you are eventually going to get to being the WAH after a while of this craziness.
Certainly everyone has their breaking point, that's for sure. You've made the WAH comment a few times - What makes you believe that?
I was just going off of a few other ladies on here that were the WAW and when they finally came to their senses their H had become the WAH. I am not saying you are even near your breaking point. To me, you have a great amount of patience and persistence.
Have you tried talking to one of the DB coaches? If not, now might be the time to help strategize with one on how best to implement a LRT in your situation.
I agree with some of what Sandi and Kerry have said about LRT, but I'd like to add a cautionary note....DON'T overdo it. I'm sure you're impatient, who wouldn't be, but don't swing too far the other way.
I, like you, spend quite a bit of time with my wife after separation and still spent time with her after divorce. It would go in cycles...I'd spend more and more time with her, get impatient, want more, pursue too much, get rebuffed, and then start over from a place of more distance. It was frustrating. And I think in retrospect, the times she did more initiating and talking about us possibly trying again related more to the status of the other relationship than to what I was doing. But I do know that when I went too dark or too mysterious or got too busy to spend any time with her, it usually resulted in negatives, including claims that it validated that I didn't care for her. Yes, you could argue it was just a way of making me show my hand and also trying to draw me back in, but then again, why did she go ahead and divorce me if she wanted to keep me dangling?
Yes, you should maybe refresh your memory on the book, but use the whole book, don't just focus on LRT. Rule#1 and the only one that really matters is: DO WHAT WORKS. You should be getting a little more "me time" to recharge your batteries and do self-care, but just walk the fine line where your actions result in positives (ie she misses you, wants you around more, is impressed with what you are doing, etc) without introducing negatives (ie he doesn't care about me, I guess I was right that he couldn't continue to be attentive to me, etc).
The bottom line Brit is that you are getting impatient. You want to see something more positive occurring. The truth is, it isn't going to happen until she's ready for it. Would suddenly giving her a dose of what divorce would mean jog her to chase you? Maybe. But I'd argue she still might not be ready for what it really takes. What needs to happen, and who knows how long that will be, is for this longing for OM to end. You know that the, "I took him off of my IM and myspace", is nothing more than junior high antics. She's temporarily mad at him. She wouldn't even need to mention it or talk down about him if she didn't still have feelings. My XW didn't come back until the thing with the OP ended so she could at least look at me. Your wife is barely looking at you now. Work on your changes. Work on making your life as good as possible (p.s. why don't you decide your own house colors and do your own home improvements). Be a great guy. When this little infatuation ends, she'll finally see you and then she'll chase.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I was just going off of a few other ladies on here that were the WAW and when they finally came to their senses their H had become the WAH. I am not saying you are even near your breaking point. To me, you have a great amount of patience and persistence.
My patience ebbs and flows - Some days it is easier than others, that's for sure.
Originally Posted By: KerryK
Have you tried talking to one of the DB coaches? If not, now might be the time to help strategize with one on how best to implement a LRT in your situation.
I have not so far - Probably going to have to wait until the end of the month to have budget for it. Not a bad idea though.
Yes, you should maybe refresh your memory on the book, but use the whole book, don't just focus on LRT. Rule#1 and the only one that really matters is: DO WHAT WORKS.
I totally agree - No good doing LRT if it results in pushing her away.
For the last couple of days I've avoided initiating contact with W. I took her cat to the vet last night (it was arranged over a week ago, so I couldn't get out of it), but I've not been talking to her during the day at all.
On my way home tonight she calls out of the blue, asking how I was doing and curious about how work is going. We chat for a little bit, then she asks if I want to go to dinner. Tempted to say I was busy, but I said I'd go along. I picked up D and met W at her house - She came out to greet us, very friendly and chatty. We went out to dinner together with D, and it was probably the best time we've had together in a week or so. W talked none stop the whole time, and we laughed a lot. Went to the store afterwards, but D was cranky so we bailed out quickly. We took D back to W's house, gave her a bath and put her to bed. I bailed out afterwards, and W said she was exhausted and not feeling good, so it seemed like a good idea.
A few things on my mind:
1) W was really interested in 'me' tonight - I mentioned I was having sinus problems, and she was really concerned and suggested we go out afterwards and get some decongestants for me. End of last week and over the weekend, she really didn't seem to care if I was alive or dead.
2) She seemed very frustrated with people at work. She is going out with friends on Saturday night for dinner (she had me rearrange our evening out), but she seemed annoyed by it. She also told me that having a birthday (she'll be 36) is depressing and she'd rather not think about it.
3) Apparently a guy and a woman at her office got fired today - Everyone thinks they were having an R. We both knew the guy in a limited capacity. She also told me a story about the brother of a guy we know who was stringing three girls along at once and ended up getting a conference call from two of them when they found out.
4) W initiated hugs/kiss when I left. Did ILY too. She also wasn't adverse to physical contact when we were out.
So, it seems that giving her some space and time to herself seems to be helpful. I need to figure out what to do this weekend - Either move our Sat. plans to Friday, or just do something wih W and D on Friday night for dinner.
I didn't post yesterday, but she said she'd come over sometime this week to help with my painting and we could all go over to her parents' on Sunday for her birthday. She has a C appt this week, but I'm not sure when it is.
Seems like things are getting better, or at least, better than they were at the end of last week.
Hi Brit, you are kind of quiet today. Hope all is well. Keep doing what you are doing. Continue to avoid initiating contact. Let your W reach out to you.
Be prepared for the fallout from her C appt. I wish she felt better than she does afterward.
Hi Brit, you are kind of quiet today. Hope all is well. Keep doing what you are doing. Continue to avoid initiating contact. Let your W reach out to you.
That is exactly what I have been doing...
This morning I picked up D from her house because the weather was bad - W had a really bad night with her. When I left, W gave me a hug and we did ILY. I asked her about our plans this weekend, and she said we can just drop D at her parents on Friday and go out together on Friday night. On Saturday night she is going out with friends from work - The W of a guy she works with has the same b'day as her, but W has to pay for her own dinner... I thought that was just retarded.
I've been avoiding talking to her during the day at work, but today she started to talk to me about D, then I kind of let the conversation run it's course. An hour or so later, W started talking to me again... Talked about some work stuff, talked about when we used to work together and some other things. Again, I let the conversation finish on it's own. After lunch, oh look, she's talking to me again.
Originally Posted By: lizzy
Be prepared for the fallout from her C appt. I wish she felt better than she does afterward.
Today was weird - She IM'd me to tell me she was on her way to therapy. I just told her okay, and to be careful on the roads. Didn't really expect to hear from her again today, and it was my night with D, so I just picked her up and off I went. So, maybe 6:15 when I was almost home, W called me and asked if I had picked up D. Er, yes, it's Wednesday, which is my day with D. Of course, I didn't say that - I just said I did and let D babble to Mommy for a while. W seemed to like that. W was really upbeat and sounded really happy. Short call, but whatever. D and I went to the store, so I called W back and asked if she wanted to share a rotisserie chicken with D and I - She said she already ate, but she told me a bunch of times "thank you for asking me" and was really disappointed that she had already eaten. Anyway, there were no chickens left, so D and I got some other stuff and came home. Figured I'd just IM W and let he know I didn't get a chicken anyway....
(6:49:52 PM) M: glad you already ate, because they had no chicken anyway :-/ (6:50:07 PM) W: dammit! (6:50:38 PM) W: well, let me know if you need me to pick one up for you after work sometime (6:50:47 PM) W: they always sell out
So, I guess we went from her not wanting me around, to her offering to pick up food for me for dinner. She seemed pretty cheerful after her therapy appointment, but I noticed that she went out and blew a bunch of money at Target and Home Depot - Her spending is out of control recently, which is a typical emotional response for her - She has admitted to me that it is a problem she has. She hasn't left her house at all in the last week for anything other than shopping.
