Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy So does this mean we're on the mend?

Haven't posted to you before MMC, but you give me hope. I'm a little behind you in my timeline and I'm praying I'll be where you are in a few months. It's really amazing how a spouses attitude can change after a few months of NC with the other person. For me, I'm about 4 weeks into NC (as best I can figure) and WAW hasn't mentioned D in that time period. Don't think I'm out of the woods yet but there is hope.

I know what you mean about taking a break from drinking. One time in my sitch in Oct I had way too much to drink and let WAW have it. Big mistake as WAW and OM were having "trouble" at the time. I think my explosion set me back quite a ways. Just limit yourself for now and once things are back to "normal" you can let go again. That's what I plan on doing.

Yep, each time the OM walked away, it was after about 4 weeks of NC that I really began to see changes in my wife. Each time he came back, however, the counter would reset and she would be hooked harder than she was the previous time.

This is the 3rd time he has walked away and I believe it is for good. Even if he attempted to contact my wife, I am 99% sure that she would have nothing to do with him.

Drinking and going through this type of situation is a terrible idea. October was especially bad for both my wife and I as we deteriorated in a matter of days into people neither of us recognized. After one huge blow up we both agreed that regardless of who is doing what, we couldn't allow something like that happen again. 1) horrible environment for children. 2) there are things that cannot be 'undone'. 3) if we can't speak while sober, we BOTH need to get some help. 4) THE LIST GOES ON

This past weekend was the first time in a long time that I had had this much to drink while my wife was around. The worst part is that we had so much fun that night.

Keeping a positive outlook on your own life is a key ingredient to making it through. I am not through but I believe (hope?) the worst of this is over. It won't be easy but as long it's progress, I don't mind a little more work.

The past couple of nights as my wife was getting ready to go into bed she would say good night and linger a bit. She walked up to me really slowly, in no apparent rush to go anywhere and had a very "close" look on her face (not sure how else to describe it). I would say good night back to her, feel the need/urge to kiss her, hug her, say I love you but did none of these.

Well tonight the same thing happened again. This time, however, I stood up and gave her a hug.

damn

She hugged me back but it was more like an arm around my back, no pressure, no holding, more of a "I can't wait until this is over" feel to it.

So, maybe I jumped the gun. Maybe I read too much into her behavior. Maybe she's feeling just as awkward as I am.

I did say (shame on me) "I guess I won't do that again." as she left the kitchen. She turned and said "Won't do what?"

I just gave her a quarter of a grin and didn't say anything. I believe she picked up on the disappointment.

Sometimes I feel like a 12 year old!!!

Don't regret doing it. She could have refused altogether. She might feel at the moment she isn't 'worthy' of your love, and because she feels so bad about herself, she won't let you in at the moment. She is lingering, wanting more time with you, that is a good thing!

Hi MMC,

Have to say that I haven't commented on your thread because you're ahead of where I'm at and I don't have much advice, but reading how you're handling things has really given me food for thought.

That said, I've had a lot of experiences like you described with the hug and I think you shouldn't have read so much into it. She probably still feels conflicted and so may respond like she did. You need to be the consistent one and since she didn't refuse, good for you! But you really shouldn't have made your parting comment.

Of course, you should also monitor. You don't want to make her feel smothered or trapped either, which she might if you start doing this regularly and she can't respond.

just my thoughts - lodo

Having been the WAS, the only thing i would see as having been "the wrong thing to do" would have been that last comment. But i think if you felt it it was ok to go ahead and give her that hug. She didn't push you away, but from what you have been saying has been going on, that hug was probably a very welcomed hug.

But no she won't hug back too tightly yet because that would mean she was giving in so to speak. I can comletely understand her not wanting to give in completely just yet. It will be awhile just be patient.

Continue to go out and do things with other couples and with the kids as a family. It will help to remind her of all the good there is between the two of you.

Hang in there!

Hey Mc

Ya got mail

Dr Love

D13 has a cheerleading competition tomorrow night. She has been REALLY stressed about this but she has learned tonight that her 'job' has changed and she is feeling much more confident. After picking her up after practice tonight she told me about this and said there is so much stress off of her now.

God, I remember when she was 3 and the most stressful thing in her life was when her Tickle Me Elmo's batteries needed to be changed. She is turning into quite an adult...

So, she got home and my wife noticed that her hair wasn't quite right (for the competition, all the cheerleaders are to have their hair done in tight tight curls with industrial strength hairspray holding everything together). My wife called a friend of ours from town (she was one of the guests that showed up LATE last weekend) and she agreed to fix her hair.

My wife asked me to go along and I declined. My wife asked again and I again declined stating that I thought I would stay here and find something to do (I just finished a great built-in dresser in my son's closet and I caught the "project" bug"). So, as she was getting ready to leave I suddenly realized that I wouldn't mind going!! She asked one more time and I told her that actually I'd like to go along.

We had a good time. She spent most of the time with the friend and I spent my time with the friend's fiancee, a cop in town.

I have to say that although I was happy she invited me, something just doesn't seem right. I feel unappreciated, unloved (go figure) and convenient. I am trying really hard to be patient but it's digging at me more and more. We've discussed it and she has asked me, nicely, to try to understand that she is working through things and that I can't ask her to give more than she is able to provide.

I understand, I really do. But I also have needs and desires. I have to go through my past posts, maybe, to remind myself of where we were and where we are now - hopefully I'll find something that flip the light on for me so I can really see the progress that has been made.

MCC,

I hear ya dude,

Dr Love

Husband, now YOU have mail...