Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Reclaiming myself and my life, part 2

Today is a new day. I spent last night working on a business project while D17 had a sleepover / chick flick night. W is sick with the flu and stayed in bed. A couple times I did nice things for her like get her something to drink, take her dishes downstairs. She was thankful but of course detached. I wanted to do more but I felt I needed to keep some detachment also.

This morning she's was watching 'Casablanca' and I walked by during the part where Bogart is doing all the 'romantic' things, going places, being together, having fun, talking. W was crying while she was watching these 'happy' scenes. I will say we used to do a lot of that stuff together.

Anyway, I'm back to working on my project this morning. Mourning our loss and cutting the cord.

Last night I finally sent something that worked to my client, who has no faith in me. Haven't gotten any response today but I'm going to keep working on the project and adding features and send more to him later.

It was difficult to concentrate yesterday, I still get the anxiety that overwhelms me especially when I interact with W. Then I try to work on stuff but I feel overwhelmed and have to go for a fast walk or talk to someone to get the emotions sorted out.

But in the end I accomplished SOMETHING and I feel a little more empowered. Also, AmyC's post is on my bookmarks so I read it whenever I'm feeling 'hopeful' or 'hopeless'. Cut the cord. Let her run away.

Most interactions with W are pretty mundane. She shows me little more than 'politeness', maybe a smile. She just wants to get out.

Sometimes I feel like the 'I hate this' discussion a few weeks ago and not going to the 'Casino Night' with her hurt her a lot and pushed her away. I know I had to say how I was feeling at the time but was 'anti-db'. Then again everything I'm doing is more geared towards expressing MY feelings and not keeping it all inside.

I'm sure it didn't help. I know I wasn't trying to hurt her directly, I'm just tired of being the one who doesn't express his feelings, and his need for help from her. Help from ANYBODY. But I know that was probably part of what made her feel more and more that being 'away from me' felt better than being around me did.

I didn't beg or try to convince her to stay then, I just said how much was heaped onto me and how I hated it, and I wasn't going to be her friend. How can I be? Thinking of her gone, or worse with someone else, is a pain I can't endure any more. What else could I tell her? I know 'last time' I went out of my way to be her friend but then I knew she was really lost in the 'in love' endorphins. Now she's just running away because she is 'done'.

I'm different now. Even though it hurts I really want her to go so I can go through the hurt faster, and then move on. She doesn't want to stay and that in itself is hard enough.

While life with me wasn't 'hell', it had it's down times and she just couldn't take them any more as they were reaching the tipping point - for me and for her. Even though I got to that point, to where I knew nobody could help me but me, and I was finally desperate enough to do something, she was past the point of no return. Her heart is closed and she says she "Won't open it again because she has no faith any more".

I've made a lot of mistakes and I've taken responsibility. That's the best I can do. Right now a lot of things look pretty bleak and it's scary to think I may not be able to turn my financials and career around. I just need to have faith.

It hurts this morning. I feel the distance growing between us and it hurts. I know eventually it will hurt less, it really depends on how long I want to hang on to it.

I was reading a post some time ago, probably one saying things I would say to others, that said you should "Act Happy, Positive, when around your WAS". I don't want to do that because I'm stuck with all big the financial pressure and loss and abandonment. I can act 'ok', and I can act 'not depressed'. But I'm not happy. If that 'validates' her leaving in some way then she's a fool. anyone who can look at their husband struggling and not know or care what they failed to do to help is a fool.

W was telling me this morning about some more potential job opportunities she was looking into. I was upbeat for her and wished her luck. In the back of my mind I was thinking how it sure would have helped US if she had done something months ago, for US.

I just feel so abandoned right now. I know I just have to cry it out and then it will pass.

Frank,

All these things you mention as her rationalizations for giving up on your marriage are just that - rationalizations.

People who MEAN their marriage vows do not leave marriages because of difficult times. I would like to think that is one of the foundational ideas that all of us on this board share. Marriage, particularly long term marriage, will have frequent trying times. Real men and women cling to their vows all the more tightly during these times, finding a way to weather the current storms.

I think you question now whether your wife is MLC or not. One of the things I've picked up in my time here is that it's really kind of irrelevant. She HAS changed her mind in a fundamental way about something that she made a lifetime pledge to uphold.

You could have been a physically/emotionally abusive alchoholic who left her no choice. THAT we could understand and accept.

You could have been a chronic skirt chaser who bedded numerous women with no regard to your wife's feelings. THAT we could understand and accept.

Your failings instead were to be someone who felt things too deeply, worked so hard to fix things that you damaged yourself, and, when damaged, closed yourself off to those around you.

This is not the stuff of divorce.


So why do I say all these things that you already know?


Frank, your wife is emotionally wigged out. Call it MLC, WAS, or whatever other label you want to use. First soul, second soul, "releasing" energies, needing to let my strong self lead the way....these are all nutzo ideas given voice by someone who has no real clue what in the hell they are talking about.


Again, so what?


Well, it's my opinion Frank, that when our spouse wigs out, nothing that they say, particularly about long term plans, is necessarily based in reality. Her comments these days are coming from this confusion inside of her and her natural fear-based response to it of running away. It's her background apparently, and here she is avoiding difficulty in a search for something easier.


You asked me before why I seemed to feel that this was NOT over. Well, this is why Frank. As far as I'm concerned, the drivel coming out of your wife's mouth is no more real or rational than the spew that comes out of the worst of the MLC'ers on this site. She's spouting nonsense to support her cowardly decision to run away. And she's decided to run away because she's lost her faith in you, justifiable in part but NOT in whole.


So you let her go Frank. You do it kind of like you did it before. You love her and you let her go. And yes, I know it hurts like hell and tears you up inside. Which is why you need to get away for a bit and find a way to detach your feelings from her actions.


Just like every other MLC or wandering WAS on this board, you run a risk. She may take off and never come back. She may take off and find another. Then again, she may take off and, IN TIME, realize that she already had what she needed in you and your family. No one knows which one will take place.


Peace. Distance. Love. As much as possible, compassion for the mess that she is right now. Somehow severing the links between you that make her words and actions cut you to the bone.


I know, easier said than done. But it's the same kind of thing we tell EVERY OTHER person who comes here with a similar situation. Let go. Stop taking it so personally. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS. Make priorities concerning YOUR business. At the same time, lovingly allow her to do what it is that she thinks she needs to do. Tell her you understand, even if you don't agree with her.


It's basic DB'ing Frank. And that's ok (I know you said you're not DB'ing this time) because DB'ing is NOT just about saving your marriage. It's about saving YOU and in the process increasing the chances that the marriage might be saved.


I hope something that I've written makes sense. I do fear that I've rambled far too much.


Blessings,

Bill

Yes Bill you make sense.

I'd probably say the same things to someone else who posted my 'story' to this board.

I guess when I read what you post I think, of all people, you'd be the one saying "get away from this person, she's never going to be 'right' for you". Maybe I give you too much 'authority' because of YOUR experience.

What you post does give me 'hope' and I have to keep that hope in the background. Even AmyC couldn't say it was 'over forever'.

Still, I have to live this and it sucks. I so want my life to be happy for once, I've had enough of the years of pain. I really have. I want to start being alive again. Happy again. So getting through the pain faster would be great.

When she moves out I know I would have a hard time ever letting her back in again because I already have a hard time trusting. At that point I think it would be over for me.

Still, it's been 6 weeks and she hasn't fond another job or anything else. She has a potential room to rent but hasn't looked at it yet. I'm sure she will soon. Time will tell.

I don't want to beat up on you Frank, so I'll keep this brief.




You and I both know that this happiness has to come from within you. Yes, your wife and your marriage can add to your happiness in general, but YOU have to find your own happiness.




A year ago you were prepared to let her go. Did you feel the same way then? Did you figure that if she left, you were done? You've trusted her through an affair already, and still want her by your side. I don't think you really believe what you've said here.


Time will indeed tell Frank. I truly wish all of you the best.


Blessings,

Bill

Yes, and I kind of feel like it would be 'easier' if she was gone, I went through the pain and moved on.


Well, maybe not but it will be a lot harder.

thanks for replying.

Frank, this is great. It seems you will feel so much more confident if you can get over feeling like you failed with work related things. Good for you for plugging away at this with no guarantees.

You get such great advice on this thread.
I am happy that people are giving back to you- you gave to so many. I keep something you wrote once with my "things to save." Funny, now that I just wrote that, I realized it would apply to you, too. It was basically about how cowardly it is of a spouse to say things like "if you had done 'XYZ' then, instead of now, well things could be different." It really hit home with me at the time, because I was always feeling guilty and a day late and a dollar short. You made me see that love waits, and love forgives. And, if my H truly loved me he wouldn't play those head games with me.

So, you quit feeling guilty, too. My favorite saying: When we knew better, we did better.
You're getting there. No one knows what will happen with your wife. We just want to see you at peace and happy.

Hugs,
Pam

Well today had it's ups and downs. D17 is kind of down about everything. This evening she came to me and gave me a hug and told me she loved me.

She asked W if she would take her for a drive later. That's what she likes us to do when she just needs to get away from life. She plays music and sometimes will talk about what's on her mind.

W came into the kitchen and asked me when we should talk to D12 about the situation. I stepped back and from what I was doing and told her I'd prefer the weekend so D12 doesn't have to go to school the next day as she will be upset. So we'll wait a week. W said that she would take care of talking to D17 so she knows not to say anything to D12.

She said she was 'sorry for upsetting me' and I said that I wasn't upset, I was just paying attention to her so I wouldn't misunderstand anything she was saying.

She's methodical, calm, has her 'plan' to just move through this and get it over with so we can all begin the 'healing'. We'll all be fine. And we probably will.

Oh yeah, we had chinese food for dinner. W had a fortune cookie that said "The best predictor of the future is the past". She left it on the counter and I saw it and read it. Then I threw it away.

Frank, what do you do daily to take your mind off your problems? something to give you a moment or two or more of relief?

It's not easy living in a house that is filled with polite tension. I did it for years and it wears all over me. I sought help thru acupuncture because it could help a variety of issues I was dealing with (including female stuff so at least you don't have THAT problem!). My acupuncturist 'prescribed' laughter to help with depression, he said read a joke or whatever to laugh everyday! In addition to emotional well being it also has good physical effects just from the motions of a good hearty laugh. How about some good laughs?

Here's a question about 'rationalizations'. If a WAS is 'rationalizing' why they should run away, get a divorce, whatever, are you suggesting that they don't have a 'good reason' so they have to convince themselves it's 'ok'?

Or is it fair to say they are conflicted in their choice, on the one hand they want to stay, on the other hand to stay would mean continuing to deal with thew 'hard issues'. So they rationalize why it's ok to leave?

What do you think?