Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again W not angry any more and wants to work on the M

Hi CL

The faling asleep is by no means our major problem, but it's just a trigger point I recognised that used to make me withdraw from W and find other thing to so other than spend time with her. In recognising this trigger point I want to see how to handle things better and not make the same mistakes of the past.

W big thing is quality time and family time, and it is she who instigates this spending time together and this builds up my expectations that we will have nice evenings together. So when she falls asleep I think, oh, I won't bother next time. Even at times when we weren't getting on W would want me to be around her.

As for the "Early nights", well , W used to withhold sex for so long and it would be her that would suggest we clear the decks get D6 off to bed and then we can spend time together. So as you could see my expectations would be sky high, but as soon as she felt my body heat in the bed she was off sleeping. So yes I used to take it personally, and it would hurt even more when she would say in the morning "last night I really wanted you, but I couldn't stay awake" and that would be that window of opportunity gone for another few weeks (even months).

On the plus side W has just suggested we spend time together in the kitchen at the weekend, this was something we used to do when we were reconciling 2 years ago but I think I withdrew from that cos we were getting no where in the bedroom and I probably found something else to do on my own.


Lan

Lanzo,
I wonder how the evening was for your W, even when she fell asleep? Did she feel connected to you?

I'm curious what your expectations are regarding what a nice evening together would be. It seems like this should be out in the open. You two are watching TV together, but you would like more to happen.

Your W used to withhold sex? Is withhold the correct term?

It doesn't seem fair that she would make preparations for a sexual encounter and not follow-thru and be nonchalant about it the next day, without trying to make it up to you. I don't understand why it would take her two weeks for the next sexual encounter.

CL

Hi CL

These dynamics I'm describing go back a number of years and there are different ways of viewing things a lot of which I'm either interpreting for myself or finding out to be true based on W recent actions.

Before I go on I must remind you that communication between W and I is poor and a lot of these things I'm not very good a bringing up with her so we haven't really discussed them.

From early in our relationship there were at least 2 dynamics at play regarding sex, first W would withhold sex (yes you understood correctly) example if we fell out no sex, it was a way of controlling or punishing me. If I go back to what I think was one of our very early dates, I was late to pick up W and her friend from the train station, when I eventually arrived W said to me "I was just telling friend he's kept us waiting so no sex for him tonight". That's something that always stuck with me. The other is as we kinda drifted apart I thought W lost interest in sex, we never really discussed it, but I know W was quite happy just to spend time with me but no sex. Also some of the times we went to bed I would ask if we were going to have sex and she would say "lets go to bed see what happens". And then she'd fall asleep.

But as it happen there is sexual interest there as these escapades with OM has shown, I now know shes a raging torrent of passion but unfortunately non of it for me.

So if I answer specifics

Quute
W enjoys these evenings snuggling with me, not sure why it doesn't always lead to sex. remember my previous quote "lets go to bed see what happens".

Yes my expectations should be in the open, but there are also the occasions when W would say "lets go to bed early" shes fully expecting sex but then she falls asleep.


I've been trying to work this out, but when she gave me her version of the ILYBNILWY speech she actually said I don't fancy you, I don't find you sexually attractive. And in some of her very early rants at me going back to 2001 she's said things like "I avoid having sex with you". "I don't like your fat body on me". I think this was partly because I'd gained weight, and didn't really dress properly and look after myself. But since finding DB and working on myself she actually likes the new me I've put together and she's told me so. I'm more like the man she first met.

So the falling asleep has opened up a more fundamental problem and as I say I've let it drag on cos I thought she had lost all interest in sex. But I also took it for granted that becuase we were married she wouldn't go with someone else.

Next post I'll update where we are in that department.


Lan

So that was a lot of my history, when I look back I can see that I did a lot a pursuing without a great deal of fineness or romance. As W has commented to me on one occasion, once we go married I stopped trying, yes I think she may have a point.

To the present, we havent't ML since last July, and while we've been in this recent sitch I've not been allowed to touch W, and she did a very good job of clinging to the edge of the mattress, any slight contact accidental or not she would jump. Just recently as things have improved we've been lying in bed together as "spoons" but no hand movement allowed above or below the waistline. This was up until last night when W had rumbly tummy, woke up at 2am and she asked me to put a warm hand on her to sooth it.
She unbuttoned her night dress so I could get to tummy, and after she had settled I move my hand up and stroked her breast and she didn't object. This morning she quiet chirpy so I know I didn't push things too far.

So I've move to piecing and it's already drawing out of me some deeper issues that need to be talked about. Too be honest I'm not sure if W and I should talk direct or if we should use MC. Last time I mention MC to W her excuses for not going were, too expensive or she didn't want to take time off work.

Anyway one thing for sure W and I need to talk and this was a comment she made as she moved back towards our M.

So ok I don't want to dwell on past mistakes, I want to move forward but my big question now is how do I go about piecing on a daily basis ? (Excluding weekend retreats and more reading material) What are the rules, are there any tips, I'd like to get an ideas as to how to move on.



I just lifted this from the start of the KLM thread "How do I begin piecing" posted by runningoutoftime is this how I should be proceeding. I just need a "leg up" to get started.

Thanks

Lan

Lan,

I ve'been following what's going on. One thing that could help you is concetrate on LL (first & second). Have you tried that?

And one suggestion: get a book called ILY but I am not in love by Andrew G. Marshall. Don't get worried with the title. It is very optimistic and is an "eye opener". As far as I am concerned it is a great book. It has 2-3 chapters on how to get back on track after a crisis. Sexually, mentally, with your hearts...

Kalni

PS If someone can do it right, you are the one.

Hi Kalni,

I've just started reading the 5LL book and I've ordered as you suggested the "I Love You But I'm Not in Love with You" book.

I wonder would now be a good idea to try to get W interested in relationship repair books. She is the type who wants to work through all of this without MC or any outside help. But I know we'll need some help.


Lan

Hi Lan,

Why don't you start yourself going to C, sharing with her any interesting parts, breakthroughs etc. and see if she will get interested.

I wouldn't try to make her read anything she is not willing to. Or if you feel she would be accepting any suggestions like that, pick ONE book that you feel is really good and give her one book.

Kalni

Hi Kalni,

I actually started C back in September, but the luck of the draw I pulled a C that was pretty clueless and a bit overwhelmed by my sitch and could not offer much advise or guidance. In fact when I told her about this DB site which I had just found she seemed pretty intrigued and made lots of notes and promised to use it with her future clients.

W is very reluctant to go to MC and shes not really interested in self help stuff, shes more a "lets work on this together and see where we get" type of person. So a lot of the things I am doing will be pretty revolutionary to her and I'm not sure how she'd take to them.

Anyway very soon I will have to have "talks" about talks with W to see how she wants to proceed. Can't do it to day cos she's just said to day is our day, a family day.


Lan

Hi Lan, Looks like by the end of it you'd be a very capable MC yourself. Your best bet for now seems to be to find more and more consistent ways to "connect" with W and some practical "solutions". Examples of the former: "family day" and "TV night". For the latter you'd have to go a "problem" at a time - for example, the problem of W falling asleep in front of the TV. Have you considered moving the TV to the bedroom?