Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? And you think you screwed up - BACK AGAIN

we talked about going to counseling, but then when i made the appointment, he was not interested in going. he just does not wat to try anymore. says we have spent the last two years of our six year M in dysfunction. that it's not normal. says he still loves me (although he will not say it unless i say it first) but that he just doesn't think he even wants our M to work anymore.

feels like i'm starting back at square one. can't believe i'm here with all of you fine folks again. no offense.

I've read of so much flip-flopping over the months that I wasn't.

I am sorry, though.

It's just that not much seems to have changed other than you.

Dark is the way to go.

Pitch black.

what is most frustrating is that he is behaving in the exact way i did when we were separated last summer. H and i have agreed on mny occassions that this was wrong of me. so the behavior is wrong, and yet he feels so justified that he chooses to do it.

i'm also not sure that my taking accountability and apologising for the entire downfall of our marriage was such a good idea. now it's used as something to throw back in my face. he refuses to see that anything he may have done might have contributed. it's all me. funny thing is, when we were separated the first time and he came back, he was very accepting and aware of his part.

i have kissed his ass for the past six months. half of the time he was sleeping with myself and a 23 year old at the same time, all the while telling me to "hang in there" and "i just don't know what to do yet". as for recently, it's almost like he was planning to leave this whole time, just after all of our stuff was taken care of (the house being sold, the bankruptcy, etc). i even helped him re-roof a house last week. we worked well together. he was so appreciative of my help.

i have busted my ass; improving myself, reading every book i can get my hands on, going to counseling by myself. i am a kind, beautiful, talented woman who is a wonderful mother to our son. yes i've made mistakes and i've taken complete ownership of them. i've put down my guard and let myself be completely vulnerable. i've prayed and prayed. and now i have a broken heart. WTF.

Oh, Kiki. Sorry to see you back and posting all this. I was hoping no news was good news.

I know they have the "success stories" out there but I've been wondering recently what the percentage of successes is. There's really no way to know since so many people drop off the boards never to be heard from again.

I'm afraid the same thing will happen to me. It's hard for two people to get through causing so much pain to each other unless the both of them really want it badly. I picture myself moving back in with W to try to work things out and it only getting worse because we'd be so uncomfortable around each other for a long time.

I wonder if it's the same OW? Quickly closing web pages is not a good sign at all. I know the pit you get in your stomach when you see behavior like that.

There's too many broken hearts in this world. I feel terrible for you (and everyone else on here).

I'm trying desperately to think of some advice. I'm just not coming up with anything. I guess going pitch black is the only way to go.

See if your husband will spend a weekend going to Retrouvaille with you instead of counseling.

Find out his love language. How do you talk to him? Do you complain or are you complimenting him or telling him how proud you are of him? I know that you have been through a lot with OW, but you need to forgive him and leave that stuff in the past.

i do know his love language, and have in his own words, have done everything i possibly can and more. i have forgiven him for stuff with OW, in fact, i was still intimate with my H the whole time he was seeing OW. not easy.

i actually talked him "off the ledge" last night. did not lose my grip, just talked to him very plainly. he agreed that he might be feeling overly stressed out and that maybe once all of the financial drama is behind us, then things will be easier.

he is just very negative about our future. he fears that things will end up the same. he's just tired of all of the drama. not that there has been much. he admits that it's his internal struggle with all that has happened that is causing him to want to leave. he does not know if he can ever over it. says there has just been too much.

i told him that he has plenty of time. he can always get divorced, but we have but this one chance to save our family. he agreed to give it more time. he is just still so confused.

the moral here is: to everyone dying to get back into the same house with your spouse, BE CAREFUL. if they are not fully ready, it may be more difficult than the lonely days you are currently spending on these board. slow and steady wins this race.

Kiki,

Sorry to hear this but it sounds like your H has not resolved his issues. Your story sounds similiar to mine where after H came back. We made plans to renovate the house which we did but he ended up leaving before the renovations were completed. All along he talked about getting old together and travelling around the world so I had no reason to believe he was even intersted in anyone but guess what he was always on his computer and locking it whenever he left.

Sights such as:
- Classmates. com,
- Facebook
- My Space
- Lava Life
have destroyed many marriages.

You are not alone. We will be here with you. I think looking hot and going out is a good idea. Take care of YOU and your son and let him figure this out.

Kiki,,,

Oh Girl,,,you have been to hell and back!! I am so sorry this is not working out as planned! I've been remembering how you were ML to your H at the same time he was to OW,,,and how tough that was!! Don't know if I would have the courage to do that or not!

You are such a strong woman,,I don't know if he would know what to do w/o you,,,if it doesn't work out he is losing one hell of a woman!!

That statement you made, "for everyone dying to get back into the same house as their S",,,hit me like a ton of bricks,,that it might be more difficult than the lonely days we are spending on these boards! Sometimes I think of how lonely I am, then I think of losing my freedom when H moves back in,,there has to be an equal balance I guess!

Hope you & S3 are ok after the tropical storm,,I know you guys really needed the rain! I am heading down to West Palm, 6/6, again but w/my boys this time! Yeaee, I miss my family in FL!

Time for some GALing for me,,,take care of yourself & I hope this was just a bump in the road and is resolved soon!

I would not want to see you go thru this again,,,hold your head high sista,

Kim

today i am feeling angry and taken advantage of. not saying that i am justified in doing so, i simply feel that way. H came home tonight and i had been cooking dinner. he had not even said hello to me, noticed something that was cooking that he did not recognise and said "what is that?". i was sweating and had been working on this meal for some time. i said "nice to see you too" and when he rolled his eyes and shrugged, i said "can i at least have a kiss?". he came over, hugged me and thanked me for cooking.

i was truly fine after this, but H was not hungry for dinner. i am beginning to feel something i haven't felt in a while - indifference.

hey jazz, he is not moving out. in fact, after i talked him down the other night, he has decided to give us a bit more time. how much time, i have no idea. i have no where to go - i relocated my whole life here to make my family work. we are living in H's apartment. i am going to have to quit my new job because it does not allow for me to live here outside of the designated territory. i'm not going to move S3 again.

when he dropped the bomb the other night, he said i could stay here for a few more weeks if i needed to.

i don't know what to do here. guess i must hope for the best, prepare for the worst.