Good advice from OT. Before I came to the Cradle of Civilization, we were separated for a total of 4 months. She would show up at S9's hockey games, and would become annoyed at me if I sat too close to her. She would physically move and tell me to give her space. Such was the revulsion.
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment -Marcus Aurelius
Yes, I sure do have a nasty habit of trying to figure out why people do what they do to me! It is usually a waste of time and energy and what ends up happening is the interpretations are what I end up responding to, not the reality. Again, we can never truly know what goes on in the mind of another, even when they tell us it is not necessarily so! What we can control is what we fill our minds with, I can come up with a zillion reasons why W treats me as she does or why Coffee Buddy decided to kiss me off but they have absolutely nothing to do with anybody's reality but my own. I am creating my own version of reality to fit my emotional world. It makes more sense to turn to what will bring light into our lives versus more darkness. We must become the joy in our own hearts, there's really no other way, is there? I'm trying.
It sometimes seems possible or even likely that the WAS has come to hate their life "as they currently percieve it to be". They got everything they thought they wanted. Now they think they should have wanted something else.
That is not to say we were wrong for them or a failure. We were in fact exactly what they wanted. Only something made them change their mind about what they wanted their life to be. And we became the target of their disappointment and anger. "We" must be what is wrong and keeping them from going after happiness somewhere else.
We did not lie to them or force them to change their mind about what makes them happy. They did this to themself. Oh, we can say life did it, or MLC, or whatever. But we must allow them to own their new destiny without martyring ourselves.
You didn't lie to them about who you are, so don't lie to yourself now about who you are, or who has rejected the life you happily built together.
"in the beginning, when you are creating the problem, is the solution -- don't create it"
"suffering is not holding you, you are holding suffering"
"when you don't need the other, you can love, and that love will not bring misery"
"Just watch every kind of misery. Either it has some pleasure in it which you are not ready to lose or it has some hope which goes on dangling in front of you..."
"Misery makes you special. Happiness is a universal phenomenon, there is nothing special about it"
"don't sympathize too much with people who are miserable. if somebody is miserable, help but don't sympathize. Don't give him the idea that misery is something worthwhile"
"Unhappiness has a certain relationship to pursuit, a partnership. If you "pursue" you will find unhappiness"
"Misery nourishes your ego. That's why you see so many miserable people in this world"
Pretty wise stuff for a guy who was considered a looney tune, dressing everybody up in Orange and collecting limosines! He had his moments
Thanks Was2Sad, my W searches out people who will parent her in some ways, she searches for White Knights and i was that person for a long time. Yet, things like family got in the way of her being everything and she's found someone else to take that role. You are right, she has made her own destiny and what I need to do is just allow it to be and carry on building my life. Forgivenss is imperative, as much for me as for her. She is obviously an unhappy person and that is why she still carries whatever she carries that makes me furniture. What is is!
I think "need" for the other often translates into us allowing the other to dictate our own feelings of self worth. If he'she loves me I am worthy, if not I am unworthy. Pretty black and white and kind of frightening when you think about it! You are absolutely right OT, when you say detachment and real intimacy go hand in hand but in our society often the opposite is taught as real love. Strange, eh! Here's a quote I like which is related to this topic:
Begin to configure other people as fellow pilgrims not as shrines meant to give you comfort or answers. The shrine is in your own heart. Other people can relate to you helpfully but not complete you. - David Richo
Uh oh! I just got cornered in the storage room by a new female staff person (and, yes, I have been my "new" outgoing male self with her). When she saw me there her eyes widened and her face lit up (I am becoming more aware of this reflexive response of some women, CB was the best!), we had a delightful conversation on the pros and cons of certain pens. She explained all the ins and outs of proper pen selection, as she has worked in that businss for the past few years. She said if I need any more info on pens to please drop by her office and see her. Is this for real? I wonder if she knows anything about staplers? We could make it a lunch outing!
Whatis, you are too funny! But now that you mention staplers I am thinking of the crazy guy in Office Space with the unhealthy attachment to his red Swingline..... Thanks for a laugh today!
