Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC is CRAZY!!! What a Roller Coaster!!!

Need help. What a roller coaster MLC is. And is there really such a thing as MLC????

My H left almost 5 months ago. He has said and done most everything in concluded in textbook MLC and fits in very well with everyone elses husbands as posted here on the threads. My H is pushing for D. Actually, he has pushed since he left way back when. I have been able to use one excuse to another to post-pone things and the D discussions. First it was Thanksgiving, then it was Christmas, now, what now......H wants to use a cheap, quicky D agency. I have told him I have an appointment V-Day to do that. I don't. I will not be using a cheap, quick place. I don't want a D.

We've been married 24 years. Together for 31 years (dated since the 8th grade). He is my first and only boyfriend. We have 2S ages 19 & 15. I absolutely love him, even more now than the first day I met him. My heart is breaking. I am devistated. My family is so broken. We did not know this was coming. We have had a ROCK Solid, Strong, Marriage/Relationship, a "Beaver Clever" type family. Both of us are activly involved in our boys lives, school, community, etc.... But, Just one day (September 21, 2007) he said (as I was kissing him good-bye to leave to go to work)....I said, I have surprise for you when you get home this evening and he replied.....don't bother, I am not coming home! What??? Who?? Where??? When??? I went ahead and left to go to work (I thought he was still a sleep) and took my son to school. Little did I know what was in stored for me and my boys.

He has done the typical thing.....comes around less and less. He has little to do with me. Hardly no contact with me. He actually has said he is NEVER coming back. He is happy and is DONE with us. Since day one, he has never looked back only forward all the way. Both of my boys are so hurt. They too don't understand. Because of how he has treated them, they now have nothing to do with him. He doesn't care just still continues to push for the big D. He even told me that I could have full custody of our S15. Who is the man???

He has also given all kinds of reasons for his leaving and it is to whomever he is speaking with. He told me he was tired of the arguing and had been living a lie for the past 30 years. He did not love me. He told his family it was because I was trying to keep him from seeing them. He told our S that he did not EVER love me. That son stopped contact with him that day and has never spoken to him since. Because this was the outcome, my H told my other son he left because we argued all the time. My son replied....dad I have never heard you and mom argue" (which is the truth, I guess that is one reason why this is so hard for me....I nor the boys saw it coming).

He called last night wants me to go and file with a cheap, quicky, friendly divorce agency and get this over with. Geeee, its been 4 1/2 months, now....he said, Can't I get it through my head that he is done and not coming back. He doesn't care what this is doing to anyone. It's all about him, his big head and his little head. The world revolves around him!

I don't want to file. I don't know if I should file or not. This is all so wrong and what he is doing, God help our family. What destruction! I do not believe in D unless there is physical abuse. But, I have a problem if he files first he will file in the city that he grew up in and where he is well known and rubs elbows with all the attorneys and judges. If I file here, then I will have the advantage because everyone here knows me. They will not treat him well in the courts here, especially if he brings an attorney from another city. So what do I do????? File or not???? My heart tells me not??? My brain tells me I better???? Suggestions??? Also, when he left, he left with the clothes on his back. Early on, H came one time and spent the night with the boys (I left) he got some of his clothes then (maybe 2 sets of clothes) but other than that everything is exactly left as if he was had died. He now wants his stuff. Do I pack it up or not??? Take it to him or let him pick it up? Do I get Tough or not??? I have been the sweetest, nicest dumped on wife.

2ndnoah:

I'm so sorry that you are here. I too have two S's 19 & 15 and we were all blind sided by this. My H has OW and he keeps asking me to get a D since I can get one quickly because of the A.

To file or not? That's a tough one. I personnally am standing for my M and refuse to make this easy on my H. If he wants out than H will have to file.

Pack his stuff for him? NO!! He wants out he has to pack and carry his own stuff out of your home.

Keep being sweet. Have only kind words to say. Don't raise your voice. Be the better person. Pray the whole time. Your S's need you now more than ever.

If you haven't read Divorce Remedy yet. Buy it or check it out from your local library.

Work on yourself. Make yourself happy. I know that it seems impossible to right now.

I'm so sorry for your pain and what you're going through.

Only you can make decisions for yourself....only you know what you can take. Techniques used in Divorce Remedy and Keeping Love Alvie will help you get through this and even restore your marriage.

Soonerlady gave you great advice.

We are here to help.

Hi Noah,

Soonerlady is right....read DR and work on you. It's hard, I'm still trying to get it right and my H left about 16 months ago. Working on you, reading DR and KLA will NOT guarantee a restored marriage however. So please don't take sg's wording as such. There are no guarantees in this but we will be stronger women and mothers for bettering ourselves no matter the outcome with M.

You're right. There are no guarantees....but it is WAY more likely if you do more of 'what works'.

If you stay solution-oriented...you can track if you're making progress or not....and have the ability to change.

Thank You SoonerLady, SGTXOK, and Darboyd5 for your advice. Question on filing for D......Here is my problem. I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. He is pushing, pushing, pushing for one. I have used one excuse after another and I feel like I am running out of rope before he files. If he files, he will file in the town that he grew up in where everyone know's him and also where he rubs elbows with the Attornies and Judges. He will have the upper hand if he files first. I on the other hand would have the upper hand if I file first because I know everyone here where I life. I would get a better deal. SOOOOOOOO, my problem is I believe I am hanging on by a thread before he files. It's been almost 5 months since he left. I am sure OW is pushing him. He has never admited OW but I know there has to be one for him to walk out and never look back. He is giving up everything. Financial security, a house that will be paid for in a couple of years, his marriage, his wife, his boys, etc. He has to have a OW. I checked his company cell phone and found a girls number in the address book, as well as both were calling each back and forth. Do I file first or wait. My heart tells me wait, I do not want this. I do not believe in D unless there is physical abuse. My brain tells me to file first. What do I do. I feel like I am consantly treading on thin ice in anything I do and say since all this started. I am so confused. I use to be a woman that could make her own decisions. Now, I feel like I cannot make even tiny decisions without getting help. I hate this. I just hate this!

2ndnoah:

Some questions to ask an attorney:

1. If H files first, can you have the venue changed to be local for you as it would cause a "hardship" for you having to be there for your minor child.

2. If you file first, can you drag it out or even stop it?

3. Regarding OW, my attorney told me that I needed "proof" of OW. Even though H has admitted to everyone he's told that he has OW and is living with her when her kids aren't there. So, I had to hire a P.I. to obtain "proof" of the A. Also, this will help me get some sort of alimony (since I make more than $20K) which won't be much or last for long since I don't have "need".

4. Also, have your papers include the phrase "lifestyle that they have been accustomed to" if H is the major bread winner.

Even if DBing doesn't save this marriage, it can help you become an even better person and the tools that you will learn will help you with future relationships and even the relationship you will need to maintain with H for the sake of the boys.

Go to a quiet place within yourself and ask God to guide you. God will never give you more than you can handle. However, we must learn to ask him for help. I know as an independent woman that asking others for help is hard. However, God is always there for us day and night.

Peace

Thank You, Thank You, Thank YOU!

2ndnoah:

I'd love to team up. Sometimes I feel all alone here.

My thread is H in MLC you can read it and check out my situation.

H and I will be married 20 yrs the end of this month. Our S19 is a freshman in college but lives at home & S15 is a sophomore.

H admitted to me (after I confronted him) on Thanksgiving Day that he had been in a "relationship" for 2 yrs with OW (they had been "friends" for 4 yrs). They would get together whenever they were able. She lives in another town about 1 1/2 hrs from our home and she has 3 young kids. I honestly don't believe he would have ever told me about her if I hadn't confronted him. I believe he felt cornered when I confronted him and that is why he said he wanted a D. H didn't even tell me he wanted a D. I asked him if he did and he said Yes. H walked out on us that day and hasn't looked back since.

He seems to be in classic MLC. I really don't have much patiences and I'm already tired of this. Some people have been at this for years! I keep praying that God gives me strength and patience.

I don't want a D and I'm standing for my M. But, it's so hard when H is "enjoying" his new life with OW. Why would someone want to start all over raising someone elses young kids? Our youngest will graduate HS in 2 yrs and be off to college. H and I could go away whenever we wanted. I was so looking forward to us becoming a couple again. I know I neglected, didn't appreciate and took my H for granted and I so would love a chance to change all of this. H won't even consider giving us a chance. He gives me the classic MLC lines of I've been finished for years, stayed because of the boys, ILYBNILWY, etc. I'm sure you've heard them too. Are men born with this script in their brain?

H doesn't contact S19 much at all and he isn't contacting S15 as often as he was. He used to call S15 daily but now it's about every 3 - 4 days.

Be strong 2nd and keep in touch.

Soonerlady, I am so sorry you are here. I have not read you story, but will continue to look for it. Because I am still new to this site, I have not yet learned all the ways of using it. I find I am having a hard time tracking my threads and the ones that people reply to. I also don't understand the "locking". I guess I should go back into Newcomers and re-read all the How To's. My original story is also posted somewhere. I don't know maybe it would be easier to just re-post it.

I would have never thought in a million years this is where I would be in my life. I do not understand it. I do not understand how someone can give up everything they have and have worked for 30 years including their children and throw it all away. I am crushed and devastated. My boys are to. My sons will never be the same and I guess that’s the hardest for me. H can do anything to me, but my sons!!! In this situation, I have not been able to protect them much. I hate that. Its one thing for a stranger to say or do something to them....at least I would have control over that type of situation, but their OWN dad! He just one day walked out on us. I just have a hard time understanding that. 30 years and nothing!

My story:
It has been almost 5 months since that dreadful day. We were childhood sweethearts. Dated since 8th grade (age 14), same school, same classes, lived on the same street, four houses from one another. We dated 6 years then got married and have been married for 24 1/2 years. We have always gotten along. Supported one another in anything. He was and is my sunshine. My sunshine. Our immediate family as well as both sides of our family is really close. Everyone knows and likes each other. We always do (well did) everything together. H and I grew up together. We built our home, had 2 boys (15&19), had the white picket fence, and the "Beaver Clever" family.

A couple of years ago, H started a new higher position at his job of 23 years. He begins to change. He became more controlling, mad, frustrated, and overall nothing I could do pleased him. I went back to college (against his will) to finish my degree in teaching. He was angry. He begin to work late hours and weekends, be became more and more frustrated at me in everything I did whether it was cooking supper, my homework in my classes, my whatever. Nothing I did made him happy. I bought a Disney trip (we had never been) for a family vacation and he was mad. He went (we all went) but he was an a*s the hole time. He bi*ched the entire time. I even in amongst all this I started remodeling our home. I was a super busy person, I was taking 8 college classes (24 hours) each semester (trying to get finished), working full-time, doing the mom and wife thing, remodeling the house, etc. I feel I am to blame. Before my whole world revolved around him. I was able to give him all the attention he needed. Now, I was surviving on 3 hours of sleep (sex was still good, but I did not go to bed at the same time as him and he resented it). I believe because he felt like he was loosing control of me, he found someone else. I don't know. He has never admitted to OW but this is my idea. Who leaves their life after 30 years and never looks back????

The day he left, we had been getting along Great. My schooling was finally over, I had landed a teaching job and was loving it (3 weeks into teaching). I had time to give him attention and go places (though he did not want to do anything with me). I was getting caught up on my sleep for the first time in 2 years and going to bed at the same time as him. Life was good. Four days before he left in the middle of the night his company cell was ringing. I heard it, tried to figure how to answer it and instead stumbled across 2 voice mails of a girl saying, she just wanted to hear his voice before she went to bed…..bla, bla, bla. I then found the owners manual, figured out how to look at his address book, in and out coming calls, missed calls, etc. and discovered that calls were being made to a girl we grew up with and went to school with. I decide not to tell him. This all happened in the four days before he left. During these four days, we got along great (actually we have never really argued) we had intimate relations but……..when it would came down to doing it…..he would tell me no, he couldn’t. He would be all ready, but couldn’t. He has never, never said this to me. I knew then something was up. I did not make a big deal out of it. This happened over and over for the four days. Then on a Monday on my way out the door to go to work and take our son to school, I bent over kissed him, said for him to have a great day and that I had a surprise for him when he got home. He replied….I’m not coming home (I actually thought he was still a sleep), but still wondered and then went ahead and left for work. When I got home, no hubby. He called late that evening, said he was going to spend a week at his moms and he has never looked back since.

He has done all the book says. He is almost 46 years old and greatly MLC. He has said all the same things as the book and done all the same things as the book. He even has a new hair style. He is unemotional attached. Period. I did all the wrong things…..begged, pleated, tried to reason, rationalize, get him to understand, suggest we get counseling, etc. He went further. He is happy. He even told me that he did not understand why is was effecting me and the boys. He acts as if I am a stranger and we were never a couple. He has made all the excuses as the book says; ie. Never was happy, has been living a lie all these year, all we did was argue, he’s been unhappy for years, bla, bla, bla.

He has continued to deposit his checks, I pay the bills. I bought Christmas as normal. The boys and I continue to live as we always have just no hubby. H has withdrawn 12G out of savings. I have not even addressed this issue. H has pushed since day one for a D. I have used every excuse to avoid it. It is coming to an end, I know it. I do not want a D. I do not believe in D unless there is physical abuse. I don’t want this I want my hubby and my life back. My life has been turned upside down. I miss him so. My heart is broken.