Again, thank you so much for your responses and advice. And thank you most of all for your pep talk at the end that you heard from saffie. I've heard it from my friends, but it's sometimes hard to believe when the person I loved most in the world is throwing me and our marriage away. Thanks for the reminder.
I do need to talk to my lawyer about what H said yesterday. (Wanting to settle everything "amicably" without going to court.)
Financially, I have been asking for help some, though that is hard for me. It's embarrassing. I know it should be embarrassing for him, not for me, that he's not taking care of his wife and kids, but it does bother me...
I will make an appt. with a doctor. Still think I will go to a new one, though. Don't want H to have a chance to read my chart. Don't want him to have a chance to use it against me in any way. I have a very good friend whose husband is also a doctor, and she just mentioned to me a couple of days ago that he would be happy to see me as a patient for free. I think I will take them up on that offer.
As for couple friends, another one of my best girlfriends is half of the couple that we hung out with the most. She has told me that her husband loves me, is angry at my H and wants nothing to do with him, but feels awkward around me because he hurts for me and feels helpless and doesn't know what to say. I'm sure we'll get past it eventually, but it is awkward.
As for counseling, my church (which is huge) does have a counseling center with psychologists and certified marriage and family counselors, but it is not free. I could probably talk to one of the pastors, but I'm finding that even clergy know very little about how to "divorce-bust."
Since H said yesterday that he would be willing (now, after I've been calmly suggesting for a year) to go to family counseling to help the kids with all the transitions, I will take advantage of that.
I've seen several people use the phrase, "drop the rope." Can someone explain what that means? I'm assuming it has something to do with detaching, but would love to know the background of that quote. Thanks!
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
Keep praying, but most of all.......BE STILL. Do not DO anything that you can't take back until you are sure that God has led you in that direction.
Mishka, Thanks for the response. Being still is what I've been trying to do for the better part of a year. For a while H just went with the flow (he is a big procrastinator, so it was easier for him to just ignore everything as long as I was keeping a low profile), but now I think OW is putting on the pressure, big time.
In my heart, I know the truth of "Be still and know that I am God," but sometimes it sure is hard to shut up my mind. It's a good reminder.
Know that even if you have to go through with the D to salvage your family financially that doesn't have to mean the end. D is paper, not emotion. Think of it as only a business transaction.
Oooh. Trying really hard on this one. But the control freak part of me keeps wanting to bash him over the head with all the damage he's doing to the kids. And to me, D is still emotion. I know I need to keep referring back to the "be still" verse.
Keep posting and venting. It's really good for you and keeps you from internalizing everything and over analyzing.
Yes, you are right. I need to get it out, but I don't want to bore or wear out my friends who have been hearing about it for a year now. It's great to have a place where people really understand because they are going through it themselves!
Thank you so much.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
I can see how you feel about going to a doctor in the same office as your husband. But I would explore some different AD's. I went through three before I found one that worked with minimal side effects...and it's really helping to stabilize my emotions.
I know it's hard to ask for help, and embarrassing. But really, this is a no-kidding full-blown crisis for you...much like a natural disaster.
I think I'd tell the husband of your girlfriend that it's okay that he doesn't know what to say. You just appreciate that he's there to listen when you need to talk. That's all.
Even if clergy doesn't know how to DB, it still helps to talk to somebody that you know will keep everything confidential and will honestly listen without judging. If you explained your sitch, I wonder if the church would be willing to let you see one of their counselors for free or at a reduced rate?
"Drop the rope" is just a euphemism for relinquishing control or the desire to control.
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Until you can afford the meds, try finding some time to take walks. Exercise releases similar chemicals in the brain as some antidepressants. When the bomb dropped I would just walk and pray and walk and pray. It was ME time that I never took before because I've always been about H and S's. Take some YOU time.
Go see the partners. You have to keep yourself physically and mentally healthy for your children.
This is a great place to vent and there are some amazing people here with great advice.
Bomb - OMG you are awesome!!
I'm going to tell you something that a beautiful soul on this board once told me (saffie):
1. You are a good woman. 2. Because you are a good woman, you are fighting for something you believe in...your marriage. 3. Because you are a good woman, if he throws this away, there are plenty of good men out there who will scoop you up.
I don't know how to do quotes but this is great! It actually made me say, 'You know, you're right!'. I will get through this and if H doesn't want me anymore than so be it. There will be someone out there that will love, respect and appreciate ME!!
Thank Saffie. I had a nasty day awhile back where I just couldn't stop crying and feeling sorry for myself and she gave me a little butt-kick. Worked like a champ.
Tpaschal, I went back through your sitch in detail. Whew. That husband of yours really launched himself off the planet. Wow. Everything that goes up must come down. And he will come down.
When he reenters the atmosphere it's gonna be quite a fireball...
Someone else here on the board was talking to his psychologist about his MLC wife. She was starting to come out of the tunnel, but her LBS spouse had detached and GAL'd, big time.
The psych asked him: "So what are you going to do when she asks you to take her back?"
Ha.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
WOW! You are all so positive. Can you please send some of that PMA over this direction? I'm stuck on thoughts of being alone for the rest of my life and it overwhelms me. My H's MLC and rejection has brought back all of my teenage insecurity.
tpaschal - You hang in there and do what you need to do in order to keep your head above water. Have you tried St. John's Wort? I was taking that for a little while but it didn't work for me. I have heard from many other people though that it helped to even out their mood swings.
Lots of prayer!!! If you haven't done so, you might want to look and see if there is a Divorce Care class near you. If you haven't heard of Divorce Care, it is offered through churches all over the country and is for those who are divorced or separated. It teaches how to deal with your emotions and situations through the word of God in a supportive small group environment.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
