Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Losing it: narcissistic mother ruins my DBing

Don't keep quiet about it! Just find someone who will listen, whether it be a counselor, a religious figure, or even a friend that you explain that you don't want tough love, just someone to vent to and lean on.

And remember, keep loving them, but temper that with honesty and self-respect.

Hi Stella

My mother has had a huge negative impact on ALL my Rs, whether it's with friends or H, my whole life. My M has personality disorders too (although never diagnosed) I belive she has Dependant Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. In addition to that she is a fix-it-mom and has been so over protective of me since day one that I have lost good friends because of her meddling aka "helping".


This past Christmas my parents spent 6 weeks with us. Wow what a nightmare...crying, meddling, fixing. I had to put a stop to it.People who have wonderful relationships with their Mothers will not understand what I did but I feel you might benefit from my story.

I told her we couldn't have a relationship anymore and that she couldn't come visit us anymore. I told her that when she visits she's sad and I'm stressed. This all put a stress on my R with H and I know that in my heart of hearts I did the right thing. I cannot and will not subject myself or my family to this kind of R with my mother. I know its harsh and I know shes my mother who spent 14 hours in labour with me but I let her go. I sent her away. I cried and cried over this but I did what I did because I had to.

My point is that sometimes we have to let our mothers go.

Thanks for sharing, JenInVen, and ((((((((hugs)))))))))))

You did the right thing and I know exactly how you felt afterwards.

I've done it twice, and both times I was called immediately thereafter to the
"deathbed". First time by my aunt, second time by NM's doctor. So I gave up.

I guess, if your Mother listened to you and respected your decision,
she must have loved you. My mother never loved me and I wish I'd come to that conclusion earlier in my life.

I'm afraid I'd need to put a restraining order on her to get the same result:)

however, now with my R and M in such danger, my NM is moving to the end
of the queue. Finally!

Oooh no she never accepted the decision and tried to make me feel bad and gulity. Thankfully she doesn't live in the same country as I do and the pulling/pushing away has been easier. My dad is really sufferring now though because due to my decision I can't have a good R with him either.

Stand strong and it doesn't matter what your Aunt or your moms T thinks...They can never really understand or know what you've been throught all these years. Do what you need to do for you and your family.

People/friends ask me how can I do that to my mom. I tell them if they lived as I did for so many years they'd do the same thing as I did. H says "they're your ghosts and you need to deal with them as you see fit" So I did.

Good luck Stella. I recommend you check out boards that are for children of NM not sites for NM. You'll get more support there.

H says "they're your ghosts and you need to deal with them as you see fit" So I did.




I am glad you did, JenInVen!

At least now you can concentrate on YOUR family and problems and don't have
to deal with your mother. And I am sure you will find the way to work things out with your dad!

I am posting in "Narcissistic mothers and fathers" and they are very supportive.
It's just when it comes to MLC issues, I find it not so helpful to post there. Naturally!
What did I know about MLC 2 years ago? sigh.

So, I will vent about my NM sitch out there and keep the MLC issues for DB:)

Good luck to you too.

Stella.

Stella,

I'm sorry to hear about what is going on but the first thing I thought about is...that you husband is trying to reconnect and is starting with your mother. Remember that they reconnect with the wife last and he can't reconnect with your daughter right now because he isn't near her.

It's just a thought and I may be wrong but it's a better thought than the way you are currently thinking.

Thank you, Snowmm,

I LOVE that thought...

Not that the idea never occured to me, but right now I'm just incapable of
positive thinking.
I have had so many false hopes over that dreadful last year...

I understand having those false hopes. Try though from this point to look for the positive. If you've been keeping a journal (even if it's only notes on post-it paper) for the last year I think you'll find that things are improving. If you haven't been keeping a journal start keeping one now and think back last week, to last month, to last year and write those memories down. He may still be angry but he may not be angry as often. Find the little things that can show you improvement.

If your husband is helping your mother he's not a bad person, he's just confused right now (and so are you - I know).

I don't keep a journal, Snowmm, writing is a torture for me (dyslexic), but I have a
Photo Booth on my Mac and take a pic once a day. Ihave 226 photos now, which means at least 226 days of survival (Ididn't start right away... pity).

It works for me really well!

Sometimes I go through all of them and renember the days when they were taken,
bad days especially, and I feel better. After all, I'm still here alive and kicking:)

And no, I've never thought of my H as a bad person, I'd rather prefer to think of
myself that way, but there is a catch: precisely because my H is a kind and
decent man, always helping everybody, may be he is not trying to reconnect after all...

ok, that was the last one. From now on I will stay positive!

I don't have a C (couldn't find one here!) but the support one gets on this site is
tremendous, with everyone helping everyone else to succeed!

ok, something happened today and I'm not sure what to make of it.

My H has called.

after we spoke for awhile about D17 and his work, he brought up the R topic, first time in 2 months.
It was as if he wanted to say something but then decided otherwise. I asked if there is anything I should know about and he said no, nothing new. That he has done far too much talking already (he surely has. The things he said...God, I wish I could forget!). I didn't push and left it at that.

The next thing he said was: you should know that I'm not happy with what I've done. I said, I hope not.

And then, that the most important thing is that I'm all right. I said I sure am.

I asked him several questions, whether he eats properly and how is his insomnia,
and how are the things at work, after which I changed the subject. We were on the phone for a long time and I was the first one to say bye.

Now the positive half of me is hoping that it's the sign of the fog lifting and that he is thinking about dumping the OW and coming back:)

And then, of course, the negative one is sure that he is about to dump me for good and just wants to make sure that I'm not going to kill myself or something of the sort:(

I am sure it's a new stage, but which one?

Would appreciate any thoughts/comments.