It seems to me that if a situation has any hope of successful reconciliation, establishing peace between the two estranged spouses is important.
It's not that we have to be all lovey-dovey and friendly like. I think it's just enough that WE finally get to the point where we are treating situations the way we NORMALLY would, not like the scorned and rejected spouse that we often feel like.
I'm not saying it is the golden key or anything (especially since that golden key doesn't really exist as we all know), it just seems to me that conflict, pressure, and tension between spouses, ESPECIALLY during this time, does nothing but drive them further apart.
Peace.
The ability to be who you are and react according to who you are.
Being willing to respond like you would have responded BEFORE the bomb.
These things are good for US, and in the end may just be a positive contribution towards the better relationship side with our estranged spouse.
Whether it's a reconciled relationship, or a new co-parenting relationship.
I agree. It's hard to get past the hurt and anxiety. But I'm tired of it. I have a lot of hope that she can keep herself out of any 'relations' with other men for a couple months. That would be helpful for me.
It is good for her to talk to a mortgage broker. That person will explain exactly what she can buy with the amount of money, both down payment and income, that she has. A little realism from someone other than you can be helpful.
It is good for her to talk to a mortgage broker. That person will explain exactly what she can buy with the amount of money, both down payment and income, that she has. A little realism from someone other than you can be helpful.
Yes, I think that they will also tell her the reality of our credit rating, and the market for homes.
Probably will make her mad because that will be 'my fault'. Can't do much about that.
That's what we deal with. Everything is our fault. We can't do anything right. Blah blah blah. What we have to do is understand the part we played and deal with that. Once we deal with our part, then we will begin to not worry about what they are thinking. Eventually, they will snap out of it. It may not be soon enough for our liking, but they will. And when they do, it doesn't mean they are going to want to work it out. It just means that they know.
Continue to mark the positive interactions to memory and let the negative ones bother you for a minute and move on.
Now, if I can follow my own advice, I will be wonderful.
That's my problem...follow my own advice and heck sometimes my own plan.
I think the thought "I want" should be replaced with "her wants or needs". Like I want to call but I know that is not what she wants or needs. Helps me to know I am doing what is right. If I could just keep it up.
Hi Frank, Just a note to say that I am thinking of you. Your words of strength and confidence have helped so many of us to realize that strength and confidence also lies within us. I am glad that you have come full circle and see that in yourself again.
Best wishes, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Hi Frank, Just a note to say that I am thinking of you. Your words of strength and confidence have helped so many of us to realize that strength and confidence also lies within us. I am glad that you have come full circle and see that in yourself again.
Best wishes, SD
Thank you SD. It's sometimes hard to keep 'letting her go' and being 'nice' is also hard because it's getting positive reactions from her, which make me hopeful.
But she's still on the 'divorce train' and still has her 'special friend'.
I wish our marriage didn't have to end, but it can't continue the way it has and even though I can change myself I can't change her.
Sometimes I think about what my life is going to be like in a year from now. Hopefully by then all this will have passed and I'll be free again to be me instead of being who I think she wants me to be.
My kids will always love me, which is always a good thing.
Just going to post this as a reminder to myself, originally by grasshopper to CM (tiara boy)
Quote:
I hate to say this CM, but you HAVE TO ACCEPT that it might be over, at least for now, it IS over. Your W may not return but you have to let her go, and I mean REALLY let her go to find out if she ever will.
Every time you have one of your "blow ups" it's because you allow your perception of what SHOULD be, or what COULD be to become a weapon which her perfectly normal reactions to you use to inflict pain.
She is acting like a woman who is ready to divorce, sure the marriage is over and is moving forward with her life. You are acting like a husband who's wife continues to do things to hurt him and can't figure out why, as if there were no separation, no pending divorce, no OM, no future other than the one where everything goes back to "normal."
Unfortunately, THIS IS NORMAL in your life right now and the sooner you embrace that, the better.
I am not saying to give up on reconciliation but I am saying to let go of that expectation.
I know how this goes. I know why you lash out. You don't know what to do and you just get to your wits end, thinking that if you are shocking enough, you will shock her into reality, YOUR reality, and she'll realize just how foolish and selfish she's being.
The sad part is that it's her life to do that with if she wishes and the longer you force yourself into the role of "daddy" keeping her from making her own decisions, the longer you will be trapped in this role of miserable left-behind husband.
One last time. Keep this in the forefront of your head 100% of the time as you make decisions that you HOPE may influence her to give your marriage another chance some day.
SHE HAS TO WANT TO COME BACK TO YOU!!!!!
Everything you do/say in regards to her should pass through the filter of "will this make her want to come back more?" If the answer is no, then don't do it. The would mean you would stop begging, stop being an a$$, start DBing and GAL, invest in your counseling/meetings, in short, be a upstanding, compassionate, loving man who extends those things first to himself, then to the rest of the world.
Again. Before you even ask us, you should have already asked yourself; Is what I am about to do going to make it more or less likely that she will return some day?
Do this and you will start to get ahead of the game.
I agree. It's hard to get past the hurt and anxiety. But I'm tired of it. I have a lot of hope that she can keep herself out of any 'relations' with other men for a couple months. That would be helpful for me.
Slowly I'm getting there.
Frank,
That anger and sense of abandonment was the hardest part of this whole process for me to deal with initially. I felt the urge to knock her rebellious arse over the head with a club and drag her back into my cave by her hair. There was no way I was going to let a rival take away what was rightfully mine. Those good ol days are gone, so I had to come up with an alternative. Society gave them free choice.
I came to the realization that maybe I could be happy in my cave without her. I've been experimenting over the last couple of years in doing just that and I can report to you that I'm doing just fine in my cave on my own. I think its all in our ability to do that if we can just leave that caveman mentality to the curb. Anger, jealousy, and possessiveness is a primeval instinct and a strong one we need to learn to control. We are not entitled to ANYTHING in life. Including life it's self. As easy as it comes, it can go. We need to learn to appreciate what's at our feet in the moment realizing it could be gone or replaced in the next. We cling so desperately to what we've acquired thinking we deserve it, we earned it. We start looking at life as if there were a scarcity of things that make us happy. We do anything to hold on to it, because there is no substitute for it. If we learn to look at life as if there is an abundance and it's ours for the taking, loss wouldn't make us so unhappy. We can simply let go and look a head to the next treasure we dig up. It's out there all around us. It won't matter in the end because we are not going to take anything in this world with us when we are gone. Our best hope is to leave some goodwill behind.
My anger has dissipated because I'm learning to live in the moment and enjoy what is in front of me at the time. It took me a while to understand and recognize the truth in this principle. It has calmed the hurt and anxiety in me.
Last edited by Astimegoeson; 02/09/0808:18 AM.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
