Well gang, I spoke to H this afternoon. He was wanting my password and logon to view credit card statements. I requested same of him. I guess he wants to make sure that I'm not charging a bunch of stuff.
We are selling some investment property and we are going to pay off our credit card debt, put money into a CD for taxes and split the rest. I asked H if he's been charging any gifts, dinners, etc. that is for OW on his card and he said no. This is BS! I asked him if I was the one cheating would he think it's fair that money we worked together to get go to paying for things I bought for OM or should the 1/2 that I'd get be used to pay for this. He said that right now ALL debt is 1/2. He also said we are needing to get past all this and get the D underway.
H said he's spoken to a L and advised me to do the same. Says he's only going to do what's legally required (Per H - only child support for S15 nothing for S19 that lives at home and goes to college full time and no alimony for me). But, that he was going to be generous and allow S's & myself to stay in the house until S15 graduates high school and he'd give money (not 100%) to help keep us there. But, H would not put this into any papers. That way if I was to ever become a B@@ch and get ugly with him or if I turned his boys against him he wouldn't have to pay anymore. What a load of crap! Does he honestly think I'm that stupid!?
I asked H why he hadn't started the D and he said that he was waiting on me to get used to the idea. I again told him that I did not want a D, that I wanted to work on our M and to have our family back together. H said that the D was going to happen no matter what because he didn't want to live with me anymore but he would love to have his boys live with him. Like my 2 S's would want to live with H's mistress and her 3 little kids...NOT!
I asked H why he had the A. I know bad DBing. He said he didn't want to get into that. I guess he still can't honestly answer that one.
I've contacted another attorney to get a second opinion. I'll probably hear the same thing as the other one. But, I have to make sure.
I did ask H to at least have the decency to call me and let me know that he's filed for the D before some deputy shows up at my work to serve me with divorce papers.
Well, whether I like it or not it looks like it's getting closer to being finished. H will probably serve me with papers next week for our 20th anniv.
It isn't necessarily so that you will end up being D. If you only knew how many times my h had told me the same things that your h has said. He did call a L but never did anything with it.
My h used to tell me that he was getting a D. he told the neighbors and his and my family. He said that he couldn't live with me anymore, felt nothing for me. That is all a part of MLC. Granted there are no guarantees on anything in life, but the sound of your h right now sounds the same as most of us here.
So what I am saying is just because he is saying these things doesn't mean anything right now. Keep hanging in there and let him be as much as you can.
My h seemed so happy with the ow too. Don't let that fool you one bit. It might be something new and everything is exciting right now. It will die down. Believe me once all the newness wears off and it's all routine, then see how your h is!!
H is in such a hurry to get the D. I just wish he'd wait a little longer that way he could get the full picture of the OW. Right now it's all wine and roses for them. I wish he'd slow the D talk down. I fear the worse will be coming soon.
According to state law, we must be separated 1 yr before the D. H's L says that it started on Thanksgiving Day when he walked out. If this is true than I only have 9 months left before the D is final. I have an appointment with an L to verify this. I would think that formal papers would need to be filed expecially since we have a minor child and this is a community property state.
Soonerlady, postpone, postpone, postpone. Flat tell him, the boys and I are not ready. Tell him that you cannot undo a 21 year relationship that quickly. You can also use this one, I did and so far it has worked, but not sure how much longer it's going to...Be nice, tell him instead of you each hiring expensive attornies, why not go the cheap route and go through an agency that will only charge a few hundred $$ and take the saved money and use that for a college fund for your boys. Tell him that a co-worker used one and they saved thousands of $$. If he agrees, tell him you will get the information from your friend and get back with him. You can drag this out for weeks (ie. co-worker was sick and not there, has to have surgery, on vacation, had a death in the family, bla, bla, bla. In the mean time call a cheap place, get details, so when push comes to shove and you have to come up with something you will know what you are talking about because he will call somewhere and verify the info you have shared. Doing this will give you control. You will be acting like you are taking care of things. Excuses you can use for the agency is they are backed up in paperwork, had to make an appointment and can't get in until, was sick and had to cancel my appointment, they need additional paperwork, they lost the papers, bla, bla, bla. Money talks with my H. He went right for this. I know it is lying and deceitful and I at first had a problem with this. But, you know what, you are doing it to save your marriage while your H is crazy. Also, look at how much he has lied and deceived you and your boys!
Next, I went to a L yesterday. I know the laws are different in every state. I wish a D in OK could not be final for a year, but needless to say, it only takes 30-90 days depending if there are children or not. Crazy!!! Anyway, here are some suggested questions to ask.
*Who will pay attorney fees? Can you petition the courts for partial or all of your fees due to not wanting the D and the amount of money you make verses his? *Child support plus over and above child support? *Are there any advantages of you filing first? *Can you file and just not serve him? *Can you drag the divorce out? Change your mind later? *Can you stop it? Especially if you file first then would you have control of the D? *Temporary support for all your monthly expenses once the D filed? This will save your credit rating because you will need it. *Alimony? How long? How Much? *Should you hire a PI to prove the OW? Proving OW will get you MORE alimony? My L said we would pull cell phone records, etc and that would be enough to get more money. *Retirement? *Social Security Benefits when you do retire? You should be able to draw his Social Security? *Medical Insurance on the boys, and you including medical costs like co-pays, out-of-pocket expenses including over the counter medicine and supplies? *College and High School books, tuition, etc and living expenses for the boys, school lunches, school sports & uniforms, school activies and field trips? *Investments, Savings and Checking accounts? *Personal belongings and what is considered personal belongings? *House? Do you have to sell it, can you stay in it until your sons grads high school or college? Moving could be a lifestyle change that they should have to give up? *Upkeep on the house? Who pays and/or does these expenses come out of his share of the equity? *House Insurance and Property Taxes? Does this expense come out of his share of the equity? *Income Taxes? and who gets to claim the boys? *Custody? *Boys Cars, repairs, upkeep, insurance...who is responsible? *Cell Phones???
I know I have not covered it all, but here is a start. Hope this helps! You are right we will get through this. I hate that rule of 1 month for every year you are married. Crap! We are in for the long haul! No Fun!
2ndnoah Married 24 years Dated 6 years H Filed D 3/5/08 Crushes my Heart! 2 teenage boys 15&19 Missing Him!
IF your h files for D at least you have some time before it would be final. In Texas it only takes 60 to 90 days. If my h would have filed at the beginning we would be D'd right now. It does give your h some time to work through things and maybe some of the fog will clear by then and he would stop the D.
Like I said before, let it go until it happens. I used to worry about the sheriff coming to my house to, if it any conselation to you. We all worry but it hasn't happened yet and I pray that it doesnt!!!!
IF your h files for D at least you have some time before it would be final. In Texas it only takes 60 to 90 days. If my h would have filed at the beginning we would be D'd right now.
Well, not necessarily! I'm in Texas, too. My H dropped the bomb in late Dec. 06, and moved out mid February 07. H was very conflicted and even admitted it, but OW got her hooks further and further into him once he was out of the house. H filed in late April 07, pushed all the way by the ho. OW moved in with him in mid May 07, but he still strangely did not have me served until mid June 07.
It is now 8 months since he had me served, and although he is still wanting a D and talking about how it's been long enough and he wants it over with, nothing much has happened. So, you CAN delay it.
Honestly, just the way the court system works can delay it. They are usually so busy and backed up that it takes several weeks for things to be scheduled, and then if they have to be postponed or rescheduled---well, that's one reason why I'm still not divorced.
H told me last week that he would give me a generous settlement if I would stop dragging it out through the courts, but that no matter which way it went, it would be finished by June and there was nothing I could do about it.
Well, we'll see about that, honey! You think I'm going to let the ho plan a June wedding when he hasn't even introduced her to the kids? Hell no!
One thing you can ask for, though the courts may not grant it---I don't know how it works from state to state---is court ordered counseling for H and any minor children. That delays things while counseling is sought.
Another thing I plan to ask my L about today is making it a condition that the house is sold and a new house bought for me and the kids BEFORE I will sign any D papers. H can talk all the talk he wants about giving me all the profits from the sale of the house and helping me and the kids buy a new one, but once a D is final, there is no way I can force him to do what he says he will, even if it's in the Divorce decree.
A friend of mine is experiencing that right now. There were several conditions in her Divorce decree that her exH is simply ignoring. She has had to hire another lawyer to take care of it. She will probably end up having to take him back to court, and even if the judge orders it again, MAKING him comply will be very difficult. I mean, they can threaten him with jail time, or even throw him in jail, but if he loses his job because of being in jail, how does that ultimately help her and her kids?
So, stay friendly but drag it out when it comes to D talk. Use the D very wisely as a bargaining tool. And no, I am NOT advocating divorce. I'm just saying that if it comes down to it, you have to be the one to look out for you and the kids first, because he certainly will not.
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It does give your h some time to work through things and maybe some of the fog will clear by then and he would stop the D.
And even if he does NOT come out of the fog and stop the D, it gives YOU more time to GAL, get strong, and plan your moves and what you want out of the D and out of life more carefully.
You said that there is a one year waiting period---what does that mean, exactly? A one year separation period before he can actually file for D? Or a one year waiting period from the time D papers are filed before it becomes final? Do you have to be taking all the steps for getting a D during this year or can you wait until the year is up before you start? (Steps like getting an outside appraisal of any property, of any investments, taking depositions from his OW or from others who know first hand of the A, putting the house on the market if necessary, etc., etc.)
I've been getting some wise advice on another thread. Make this time about YOU. What do YOU want? What do YOU need? Being the best YOU possible will be very important if he ever does come to his senses and want to come back home.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
