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Ali, There is no normal. What's normal for you and your H, may be very weird to someone else. We need to see our sitch's for what they are, and to find joy in them as they are. Look at what we have, relish in it, and put aside those things we think we want or need or that we think are "normal". I'm not sure it's a matter of being "right" or getting "better" in terms of your personal worth, usefulness or value. It's more about first knowing your H well enough to know what makes him feel loved, and then serving him HIS way. Ideally, it should go both ways. He should know and accept the things that make YOU feel loved, and he should serve you in YOUR way. In a perfect world of course. Well, it never hurts to set high goals right?

You've got such a great attitude Ali, I love reading your posts. Keep on fighting girl, don't settle for second best in yourself or your H.

Love,

COG

PS thanks for the compliment. I think God sent you to me to show me that there are some really fantastic women in this world.

I agree and that is why I Journal here and sometimes babble to myself, it is like I am sorting things out on paper.
He IS ACTUALLY CHANGING and that is what has me in this tailspin, I feel like I need to pinch myself.

He has told me he loves me more in the past 2 weeks than in the past @3 years , no exaggeration. And he calls me baby and precious, and other sweet nothings, his temper tantrums are almost down to zero.
Beautiful COG, but almost too scary.

I know it is new and I will get used to it. I am afraid to enjoy it as much as I love it cause maybe he will go back to being DR. Jeckyl ~ Mr Hyde.....

I am sure I sound crazy. Will Post more later , my house needs some attention. I have been relxing more and spending ntime with the kids and the house shows it! UUUGGGHH~!
Love,~Ali

Hey Cog thanks for the compliment too, I forgot to mention that before. You always know how to make my Day.
Anyway, I have been in a rut of thinking too much about this and focusing on all these changes. I am going to trust the ebb and flow and just relax a bit. ( or try to anyway)

He told me the other day " I am still wearing my ring..." In a Happy kid like voice......

I told him I was very Happy. Also the ILY's are still coming, and he says it more like a statement . Like he is not concerned if I say it back. I try hard not to miss him and also I try hard not to let my mind wander. He sometimes has a lot of free time and I just wonder? No Biggie just me letting go of the old him............


I called him earlier and we only had a few minutes to talk and he said
" awwwwwwww, only 2 minutes left ( I was using a international phone card) I will get a card later and call you..."
Even if he doesnt call the fact that he said that makes me smile.
This is amazing really.. I feel so blessed.
So I need to keep up with my letting go and trusting him. At times it has felt like I was walking on ice, taking small steps so I wouldnt slip.

I want to enjoy this and feel Happy , feel content. And you are right my Bliss may not be someone elses Bliss ~but it is mine~!!!!!!!!!!

He told me to go outside while I was on the phone with him to watch the eclipse for a bit with him, I said it is -5 below out there and I have a nitegown on , I just showered and I am barefoot,,, he says......" come on do it anyway just look at it"
So I opened the front door like a kid on Christmas morning and saw it, He then says" I love you , have a good nite and I will call you later..." The kids and I were all so excited to see it with him on the line.

I also went to my first ZUMBA class today at the YMCA ( the kids and I braved the cold and walked to the Y it is @7 blocks away.)
LLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDD
IT!!!!!!!!!!!
The time flew by, my kids worked on their homework and then played in a play area desinged just for kids 10 and under.
So I am keeping busy and having fun too.

God bless, ~Ali

BABBLING AND SAD AND UPSET AND CONFUSED.... he says I will never understand him,,,, I am so upset.



my H called me last nite all lovey ~dovey and he just got off the phone with me and made me cry/sob and drudged up old stuff and reminded me how HE gave ME another chance and hes been thru so much and THAT ~I am selfish and only think of me.

It all started when I complimented him how he is changing so much and he is like when I first met him and it turns me on. After I said that HE BLEW like a VOLCANO....

Started with "oh are you insinuating I needed to change for you to feel sexual you should always feel sexual.."

Any of you who know my sitch know that I have held back in the past and I am working on that and he seems to think I am supposed to have SEX on the brain 24/7. I try to be more sensual and erotic and it seems he always finds a way to make me feel like an idiot and all my hard work is actually nothing and he doesnt feel like I care.

I wonder do a lot of Women go to the airport in a sexy dress and jacket and no panties just to impress and titalate their man?

I dunno and I really dont care at this point I am so angry and hurt , he even said why did I send tghat ketter if I am going to act like this,,,,, I told him this is wny I am afraid to be me most of the time cause evrything I do is wrong in your eyes and you hurt my feelings and thenI just shut down........
See DR jeckyl MR hyde........

I can deal with his outburts I can deal with it really but he makes me feek dumb for loving him still and also he said in response to me saying he doesnt open hbis eyes or his heart to the love I feel for him cause he chooses not to... he said when I open it you hurt me....


Last nite when he called he sang a song to me and he told me he loved me and he said he missed me soooooooooooooooo much. He called around 12:45 am I was sleeping of course....WTF?????????

I dunno you all just wanted to be real and he makes me feel like I have to be an actress and never say anything............ that is not in his script..........

I am sooooooooooooooo sad right now and I need to stop this he does not control my emotions , I dont own him he doesnt own me , we share our lives . So why does this hurt so much and feel so devastating?????????
I feel like I have no energy left..... he talked to me for over 40 minutes then the call somehow stopped and I assumed he hung up on me and he called back and said why did you hang up on me?
And I told him I did no such thing..................

I love him but this seems exhausting and I just want more normalcy for him and I .. I love him and he seems to not know.
uUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

I feel so frustrated and hurt....... I was supposed to go work out and I wouldnt have been here to answer , but no I wanted to stay home and relax... Sheesh. I did no such thing!!!!!!!

God Bless, ~Ali

I am convinced I am losing my mind ( b/c I am allowing him to make me feel x,y, or z ) what is wrong with me?
I have been too vulnerable for a long time and I need to just get tough..... any book suggestions out there for me and my Self Esteem?
~Ali

Ali,

You are NOT crazy. Anyone in your position would have folded a long time ago. Your H can be a real jerk. We've talked to you before about his abusive, alchoholic personality. I'm not sure what advice to give you other than to stand tall, YOU are in the right place, HE is in LA LA LAND! It's time to stand up to him again, put him in his place. You do not have to settle for anything less than a secure, polite, respectful, hard working, supportive, loyal, and yes STRONG man. His attitude is weak, demeaning, and selfish. You've got it right, don't second guess yourself becuase YOU are on the solid ground.

I don't have any more time right now but I'll check in on you later.

Chin up lady!!

Love,

COG

Wow~ Thanks Cog .. It is like I am always waiting for him to blow and that is why it is hard to even enjoy the good. You seem to know me so well and even my H's behavior. I still went to my Zumba class and I am trying to keep my chin up but I am very emotional.

I read today when leaving the Y on a church display.....

God loves you and he forgives you , yes even for that ...
and it made me cry, the people driving next to me probably thought I was nuts....

I used to pray I did not love him so much so it wouldnt hurt when he was cruel. Know what ? It still hurts...........and yes somedays I do feel ready to just say to h*ll with this and me trying so hard .... he always lets me know in his eyes that I fall short and it does get tiring.......
How can you be so cruel to someone you say you love so much?

I dunno the answers and at this point I just need to keep my chin up like you said and stop worrying about this... I feel sad and feel like this is always going to be and I dunno if I can take these blowups or why I got sucked into it....
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH~
God bless, ~Ali
PS thanx for your post I needed that soooooooooo much. Love, ~Ali

Well I am here to update my sitch..... Very long and loaded with run on sentences as usual...........

Friday nite , I spoke to my H and he asked me " WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT THE OTHER NITE?" ( wow I was impressed)

I replied " Wow, Well ......... I cant just sum it up in one word or one sentence. I think it was uncalled for , frustrating and unecessary. I love to hear your input and how you dont like this or that and then Hey I think to myself on that point he is right and I should work on that, but when you blow up like you did and attack me that is not ok." " we do not need to argue to understand one another or to express feelings."


He replied " I KNOW I DO NOT WANT TO ARGUE EITHER...."

I continued to say.......
" We both have been thru so much and we came out on the other side and we can CHOOSE to live in the past , stand STILL and not move forward. OOOOOOOOOORRRR,,,, we can live in the present and love eachother and not argue. To me there is no reason for it and you were cruel @ my leter that was rude....."

He says.... " I DID NOT SAY IT LIKE THAT, THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT........."

"I replied... " Well you hurt my feelings and you dont remember, that letter came from my heart and you dont even remember what you said CAUSE you were so heated~"

........


So anyway at least he wanted to clear the air and resolve it,,,, I am tired of being the one to always want to do that. ( his old way was to pretend we never argued act as if )

He insists I still need to change and on one hand he is right , I need to BE STRONGER regerdless of what comes my way I need to hold onto me and not let go no matter what he says or doesnt say . I need to cherish me more and rely on my love for myself more than his love for me. But he is dramatic and seems to focus so much on me he forgets he needs some polishing up too~

Funny he insists also that he is the only one who works on our R.... I wish he would just see that it is the 2 of us and we must work together,,,,, but he seems to "feel" that I just sit here looking pretty and wait..... Soooooooo not true.

I am reading a book on codependency and a lot of what is in there has been in The DB STUFF TOO. Detaching, loving yourself and putting yourself first...... I am realizing I give too much away o fme and it is not beneficial to me. And it does say how we can say to ourselves but God would want it like this for me to give and give. But that is not true .....

I see that it is still work for me to allow myself to be .....
" selfish" in my eyes.
So for me going to the gym
finding time for me
just doing nothing
standing my ground
wanting that pair of shoes I dont need.....


THOSE THINGS ARE ALL OK , It is just a part of me and it is ok to do things just for me. I need to keep knowing it is ok to have fun. And it is not selfish. When I fill myself up I have more to give and will not feel so exhausted.

Also for me anytime I have detached and moved forward and let go , it seems hubby just gets angry.
He teels me to grow and be strong and at the same time it sacres the H*ll out of him.............

Also he also said I deeply offended him when I said " he was changing = turns me on more. I feel sexual tension and energy within me" " this new you excites me"
( does that really sound rude??????) ........ ( be honest..)

" I should be like that regardless..." He replied......

I said " ya know I said I was sorry already for that, if it offended you I am sorry, but you are taking it the wrong way, it wasnt said to hurt you. I am proud of the changes you are making."
Example........... " when you say to me you hate to see me in a track suit and you want to see me dress up cause it turns you on... I am sure there are many men who would take their Wife and F**K her regardless of what she is wearing.

........ track suit and all.... so should I be offfended or take it as your personal preference?"

He replied " oh so you are saying I am an a***ole?"

"I said nothing of the sort, dont put words in my mouth... " I am merely showing you how you took what I said the wrong way."
I can walk around offended all my life or I can choose not to~"

Anyway enough babbling I feel Happy today ...... I feel like he does care and that to me means a lot.

....... he is falling FLAT on his face still but he does admit it now and he wants to fix it so to speak..... so hopefully he will keep growing.... and I think I will try not to ever compliment him again on his changes..... THAT WAS SCARY.

~( That very same nite WE HAD OUR LONG TALK he called me @ 11 pm and the first thing he said is WHO LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVES YOU? )~
go figure.....

Ay, ay , ay .......... I am still hoping for a Miracle like in my first threads.. I know we can make it but there is still a long road ahead ..... he needs to read D.R. too. I can dream cant I ?
God bless, Ali

Hi Ali I don't know if I've ever posted to you. If I did, it was a long time ago! Some things you've said in your last posts struck a cord with me and what I've been through. Keep on the course of loving yourself first! This has made a big difference between me and my H. It was a turning point to my happiness and setting boundaries on his expectations. I also read Co-Dependent No More and had my eyes opened

My C helped me by suggesting that I start by asking myself questions about my life, my decisions and how I'm allowing others to treat me. I often ask: Does this create a loving and nurturing enviroment for me and my family? Does this create love or resentment? Is this in line with my values and goals? Is this making me stronger? Does this make me happier? Am I doing this because I want, or for someone else's approval? It's also helped me decide who in my life is a good, positive influence and who isn't. I ask: Does this person respect me? Care for me? Is this person here unconditionally for me? Do they listen and support, or try to fix and control? Do I rely too much on this person's opinion or acceptance?

Basically the C has taught me to ask a lot of questions about myself, my life and my relationships. When I'm confused, I start asking questions and it makes it easier to figure out what's causing the confusion and pain. Most of the time, it's me or my actions, but sometimes it helps me sort out where I'm allowing my H to control my happiness when I shouldn't. It also helps me to focus on what he's doing that makes me uncomfortable. Asking him specifically to respect a boundary or to not do something that's unloving has helped us. He can relate to me asking him not to criticize much better than he can relate to me telling him how his crticism makes me feel. The first makes him responsible for how he treats me, the second tries to make him responsible for my feelings.

Good luck.. sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Hope your H gets a clue and realizes what a wonderful woman he has in his life and nurtures that instead of focusing on the flaws.

Sheila

Thank you so much for this. And for taking the time to post. This is my first free moment and I was hoping to have someone post . It helps me so much to get different objectives from others here. I cherish the advice, thoughts and kindness~
Thanks Sheila.... your post will be read often by me.
I am reading Codependent No More ~MELODY BEATTIE as a matter of fact ... I have had this book for years and never have taken the time to truly read thru it.
Thank you for your support.
God Bless, Ali