Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Refuse To Lose, Part II

RTL,

Do your best to be upbeat and positive around your D. She needs the reassurance that everything will be alright.

Also, take care of yourself. Working out will make you feel better.

RTL-

Sorry to not have responded the last day I had a backslide of sorts in my DB'ing and have been sulking and licking my wounds.

In regards to your D, take what you can with her and at this point I wouldn't agree to W's counter claim about visitation. I firmly believe that you can figh the good fight for you D and your time with her without going against your DB'ing with W.

rtl, my wife really has not been aggressive during this whole thing. as soon as i was able to get my emotions under control things have been pretty cordial. if you walked into our house you would probably not even know there was a problem. that is why this whole thing is so hard. we get along very well. my wife filed 3 weeks ago. i will have to respond next week. she says she wants to move out, but has made no effort to do so. she has saved no money at all. i make no to effort to help her. i just go on living like it was a normal day. my situation is in the Lords hands. i need to remember that and pray about it everyday. sure it is tough. but the stakes are high. rtl, try to diffuse your wifes aggression , back off, as much as you can.

All,

Thanks for your replies. I'm grateful for your support.

Today is difficult as it is focused on "love" and I can't be with my love. I will think of her and say her name often today to keep me going, but I miss not being in her heart today. The day will pass and I'll be around tomorrow, but Valentine's Day '08 is and will be difficult.

As for me, I'm not worried at all about how I'll be with my D. I'll be totally fine and I'm anxious to see her. My problem will be today with acting "as if" with my W and not breaking down on Saturday when I return my D. I get to see my D today for the 1st time since the morning of the 5th! I can't wait. I get to have a dinner date with a beautiful little brunette. I am a blessed man.

I'm going to do whatever I can to lessen my W's aggression, but with the L's involved, it becomes difficult. I can't talk to her right now about us, so that makes life very tough and it frustrates her greatly.

My point isn't to drive a wedge b/t us, but I'm not happy w/ the no communication. I need to ask my L when we can resume cordial conversations so I can show that I care. I need to know a time-frame for this so I can interact with my W and keep DBing.

I'm hoping that Brit is spot on when he said the anger and aggression dies down after a bit. I've read that Brit and his W are spending a lot of time together now, so there is always, always hope.

Right now, the unfortunate thing is my W won't do this alone. She claims she needs to be "alone" so she can "have space to work and think" but, she's never really alone. EVER.

She is constantly communicating on the phone, via e-mail, chat, or text w/ someone. Usually she's communicating with several people at one time. This definitely isn't being alone.

I'm pretty sure she's afraid to be truly by herself because it would cause her to 2nd guess everything she's done up to now. This is where I worry a bit. If she's never going to allow herself to work through this on her own, she'll always be susceptible to the wants, whims, and words of her peers.

Today is dragging. I'm not a very good teacher and I can't wait to get to 4:30.

I can do this and I will. Love is patient, love is kind. I need to continue to be patient, even though it is painful.

RTL

I think the thing that would be the most painful in your position is the "waiting" for resolution. It is so hard to wait without going totally nuts playing out all the possible outcomes. Let me give you my profound insight on the matter... better days are ahead... with or without the path to them being understood at this time.

I spoke w/ my lawyer today and we submitted our rejection of my W's terms for custody of D.

My W wants to move across the county and be the primary parent. Her statement says that her impending move makes 50/50 custody "impractical" so she isn't willing to do it. She wants to be the primary custodian so she can call all the shots and give me access to D on her terms.

This breaks my heart. I'm focusing on staying compassionate here and not angry. I don't understand her need to hurt me like this. She also wants me to assume all debts incurred and to put the house up for sale in the next 2 months.

The sad thing is I've been forced to challenge her for 50/50 custody, so that means we are going to be entering the parenting evaluation stage where a psychiatrist is involved and we have to turn over all legal and medical records.

Now is where my gut is churning. I have to discuss the best situation for my D, which means I need to discuss my W's negatives and unstable behavior. How in the world is this going to help me DB and save my marriage?

I have to do it for my D, but I'm not feeling too confident on how this will help me in the long run to save my marriage.

I'm confused and dismayed at this point. Trying to stay focused on the main goal of saving the marriage, but goal #1 is my D.

RTL

Your W sounds so cold wanting to move your D so far away from you. If anything, this sounds like a plus in your favor when it comes to the evaluation - a daughter needs a father and a mother close by.

You need to talk to your L on how best to present yourself in the evaluation psychiatrist.

There are pros and cons to all of that - Yes, my W and I do spend a lot of time together and essentially operate as a couple in two houses. We go to the store together to buy food, she makes me lunch with left overs, she goes for coffee and she'll bring something back for me, we go out to dinner a few times a week with D and hang out.

On the down side - You know that 'detaching' thing people are always talking about? Yeah, it NEVER happens when you see W all the time. I get to experience sad and cranky wife just as much as I experience happy wife. On top of that, she really has no 'real' friends that she can talk to, other than sometimes her sister, so I pretty much get the brunt of it all.



There were plenty of times when W would fight with OM or something, and would start to cling to me again - It wouldn't last long, but at least I knew what the bulk of the hurdle was in order to fix anything. Not sure what the state of the game is with OM now - Told me Tuesday she's not talking to him anymore, but I've heard that so many times in the past.

All,

I couldn't hold back my tears as I picked up my D today. It has been 9 days since I've last seen her, so I'm so excited about the next few days. I'm upset I have to work tomorrow as I can't take the day off, but I'll be savoring every moment I can.

D is currently getting ready for our "date" so I have a few minutes to post. My DBing just got tougher today because as we were driving home, my D started talking about their new apartment and mentioned staying for two days w/ "Mr. Fancy Pants." I asked her if there was another woman w/ them in his apartment and she said no and described my W's OM's situation with the OM's separation, little girl, etc.

Again, I didn't press for too much b/c I know it will get back to my W, but D said "I think I saw him kiss mommy" then said, "Oh I wasn't supposed to tell you that, but I forgot."

I told her it was ok and I wouldn't let mommy know she told, but I'm really concerned about W spending time w/ OM and having my D with them as well. This can only serve to confuse my little girl.

So, now I know I've got to work b/c there is most likely a PA as I'm sure they extended things if W was in his apartment for two days. It is also clear that OM is no longer w/ the 22-year old student and this exactly why my W has moved so fast and been so aggressive.

Ok, now what? I know I can't let W know I know about staying at his apartment. I know I can't mention "Mr. Fancy Pants" again around my D b/c I don't want her to dwell on it. I'm not sure where this will go and I don't know how to DB it either.

Hey, I've got to run as D is ready (dressed as Princess Jasmine) and she decided she wants sushi. Got to love a 4 1/2 year old who loves sushi!

I'll talk to you all later once she's asleep because I can use some coaching here b/c if I tell anyone else outside this board, they'll tell me to give up the M right now and move on. My W is hurting and running and I don't want to give up on her. Not now. Not ever.

RTL

RTL,
Hey, I am so happy you get your daughter!!!! Anger is often a facade for soeone who is not comfortabe within their own skin. The economic issue... I think she was lashing out at you...But if I where you I would put a freeze on my credit. SO that nothing can be added, etc.
I always know when my H is hidding something because he gets defensive and angry.... Yuck!!
Enjoy, Just in case "Happy Valentines Day!" and enjoy your dinner out with the your pretty brunette D!
Catherine