Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC is CRAZY!!! What a Roller Coaster!!!

2ndNoah,

I am so sorry to read your story. It sounds VERY much like mine, except that my husband is going through the MLC a few years earlier.

We were college sweethearts (met at 18, October of our freshman year, and were together ever since.) We had a wonderful, beautiful life together. I worked to help put him through medical school, then stayed home with our children. It took us several years for his practice to become really profitable and for us to pay off our debts, but we had just reached the point of being really well-off financially and had upgraded to his "dream house." Our 3 kids are very bright and athletic and well liked and well rounded, my H convinced his parents to move here after retirement a few years ago and we spent quite a bit of time with them, plus he spent special "manly bonding" time with his dad every week or two, we had a really good "intimate" life (although he did complain that it was never frequent enough for him, but when I talked to my girlfriends they all heard the same thing, so I didn't think too much of it), and we still went out on dates and did things together as a family and with friends, etc., etc., etc.

I look back now and realize the things I did that contributed to the break up of the marriage, mainly ignoring him and our "couplehood" because of being so caught up in the kids' activities, not "hearing" him when he talked about things he needed, and not figuring out what his "love language" was. But he wasn't telling my plainly about any unhappiness he was feeling, (and honestly, I don't think he was that unhappy until OW came along to convince him how unhappy he was.)

So him dropping the bomb and then finding out about the OW was a complete shock!!

I refused to file, and he eventually did. (Pushed all the way by the OW.)

What I wish I had known, and regret now, was that I could have filed and then done nothing with it. Check the laws in your state to see if this is possible.....

I have a friend who did this.......she found a lawyer she liked and she made it clear that she did NOT want a divorce. But she filled out the paperwork and her lawyer filed it with the court. Then she did NOTHING. Did not serve him with papers. Did not even admit to doing it. Ignored it like it never happened. But several months down the road when he finally got up the guts (or got tired of hearing his OW pressure him about it) to go file and served her with papers...Bam! She was able to very calmly say to him, "You know that I do not want a divorce, which is why I have not had you served, but I was afraid that you might be pushed to this point and I knew that no matter how much I love you and want to reconcile our marriage, I had to make the children my first priority. So, I did file first."

Now, I don't know that it makes a whole lot of difference who filed first, except that the person who filed first gets to make their case first in court, but I know in some places it's also the person who filed first who can dismiss it at the end.

I mean, if you go through the whole divorce case (even though you don't want to), and it comes time to sign the final papers, you might be able put a hold on it since you were the one who initiated it.

So, my advice boils down to, protect yourself and the kids, because he certainly isn't in any frame of mind to do so right now. I am NOT advocating divorce, and I am not even advocating the FILING of divorce papers, I am just saying that this is a possibility that I wish I had known about.

And if I had known more about MLC in the beginning, I probably would have done what my friend did. Unfortunately, I was still thinking of my H as the man I had known and loved for 20 years. What has been hard to get my mind around is that man doesn't exist right now, and may possibly never exist again. I have hope, but I have to be the one to take care of myself and my kids while he is not capable of it.

I wish you all the best, no matter what you decide is right for you.

Oh my gosh, Thank You.....I am call my attorney ASAP and ask these questions. What a brillant idea!

I too believe OW is pushing for H to Divorce. These types of Women! I hope when they face God, he really gives it to them! It amazes me how wives, like us, help put our hubby's through college, raise the children, etc. and when they decide they are unhappy or something else comes along....out the door they go. I am so Sad you are hear....and your story my goodness!

My boys are also well rounded, well liked, sports, smart (all A's up to this point in school including all grades).....They have never been in any trouble or even talked back for that matter. Great Boys! I am Truly Blessed. It breaks my heart my boys are having to deal with this and H is missing out on so much and all for what??? What the little head can do when a man allows it to. Or better yet, what a WEAK man to allow someone or something come between their family as well as destroy their life. I would have never thought this would happen.

I wish you luck. Are you still in our dream home? With his parents? What do they think about this? How long have you been apart? Did he stay with the OW? Do you have any contact with him? How are your children?

I wish you happiness. This stinks! Really, Really stinks! This quote helps me when I am really down which at this point is about every other minute. It goes like this.....If God brings it to you....He will bring you through it!!!! Today, being Valentines day really stinks!!! It is the first Valentines day in 31 years that I have had without him. What a crappy day!!!

2nd N
Hi
just remember this woek we are doing isnt for nothing
then rewards are great too for walking this path
a better R with God and just about anyone else who crosses our paths
I think in a backward way we are blessed
peace

tpaschal:

What state was your friend in?

Our stories sound very similar. Why is it that after years of scrapping and doing without, when your family is finally at their financial best, kids are older and more independent our H's walk out with OW?

Hi SoonerLady, I replied to a couple of your post. I too wonder what state the friend lives in. I have a call into my attorney. If it applies to OK (Claremore where I live and H in Tulsa) I will post it. Life stinks!!!! Especially TODAY!

2nd:

I grew up in Woodward. I have family and friends all over OK. I moved to LA which is where H is from - I meet H the day after I graduated from college (in OK) he was there on a job. I moved from tornado alley to hurricane haven! I still consider myself an Okie!

Yea, today does suck. But, run a nice bubble bath, get some candles, drink some wine and enjoy your evening. I know I will even though I know that H is spending it with OW. I'm spending it with my friend whose H is out of town on business and our kids. We will laugh, eat some great steaks, drink some wine and watch a chic flick! S15 probably won't like that part LOL.

Have fun and enjoy your evening! Hang in there! I will be praying for you.

2nd:

How did you survive last night? I'm sure it was tough but you will become stronger each day.

I gave my S's and S19's girlfriend some candy. I had a couple of glasses of wine with my friend/neighbor and a nice dinner with S15, my friend and her 2 kids. My friends H who is out of town on a job sent her 5 dozen roses. I've never seen such a huge arrangement. My friend asked my S15 how he liked her flowers and he said what flowers? I said You didn't see the rose bush in the living room? LOL

S15 is "going with" her D14. S15 was so cute. When he came over he was hiding a box of chocolates behind his back so my friend and I couldn't see and went and gave it to her D. Too cute!

2nd, every day is a new day for us. We have to remember to charish our time with our kids, work on our GAL's and love ourselves. With or without our H's we will be stronger women.

I believe that we learn something from every situation we are put into. Honestly, I'm trying to figure out what I'm learning with this situation that H has put me in. Is it that I will survive this situation that H has put me in, is it that I will come through this and be a stronger woman, or maybe it is that I've learned some valuable lessons about myself with the help of DB. I've just started this new journey but I believe that I am learning all of these. I know that it is difficult to see right now but with patience and prayer I think we can both say that we will learn at least these 3 things. Who knows, maybe we'll learn even more.

Try and have a nice weekend. I know the weekends are so hard because you don't have work to distract you like on weekdays but enjoy the boys and do something nice for yourself this weekend.


Peace and love be with you and yours.

Thanks Soonerlady, This weekend was soooooo hard. Knowing that H was with OW for a V-day weekend just about drove me crazy. I have a huge imagination. Not good in this situation! I hate this. I am so confused. I am so crushed. The look on my boys faces it almost too much to bear! They too have good days and bad ones. H did not even call them on V-day to say he loved them. Even though they do not have anything to do with him right now, you could tell him not calling bothered them. SAD!

I know I cannot make him love me. I know I cannot make him come home. I know I cannot make him fight for our marriage. I do not understand this. I am beginning to doubt everything in DB book. I have tried everything....all the techniques and nothing. My H walked out and has never looked back. Why??? Why??? Our marriage was really good. Yes, it was not perfect, and we had our ups and downs, but what happened that H would just walk out and not look back??? He even told my parents (who think of him as a son, he's been in the family since he was 14 years old)...that he would never leave me. What the Hel was that??? He has no contact with them, our friends, my boys, me.....Why??? I just am having a hard time right now. I am just trying to make some kind of sense out of all of this and I just don't understand. If God is trying to teach me something, I sure wish I would get it and soon. I have always been a strong woman. I am stubborn and independant. I feel like this Divorce is being shoved down my throat and I hate that!!!

one of the things He often does is allow our pain to continue to teach us to lean on HIM. Take it from a fellow "stubborn and independent" DB'r....and read Proverbs 3:5-6.

It is only when we reach the "end of self" and turn it ALL over to God that we will start to truly understand....

(my opinion, I could be wrong!)