YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! Great job standing up for yourself. I know it was difficult, but you will be STRONGER in the long run!
She is going to blame you for everything right now. I wouldn't take much stock in it. She is mad her fantasy world has been rocked, and frankly, she is mad that she has lost control.
Don't feel bad about snooping. You did what you had to do. Don't be so quick to give it up either...
You take care of you. That is what everyone will tell you. Take it to heart. There is lots of good info here on how to deal with this. I personally have been GAL-ing, doing things to "look better, smell better", etc. It all is good for you.
This can be one of the best thing that happens to you, believe it or not. You will learn more about yourself and achieve more than you knew was possible. Listen, I was there...wait a second, I AM STILL there... I am in a very similar sitch..but only a few weeks ahead of you. It is tough, but it will get better.
Choc has helped me out a BUNCH. You want practical advice, read his posts. Like lwb said, I want to hear what Choc has to say on your sitch. That is your que, Choc
Late last night we had a conversation. I told her I think we should slow things down with respect to a divorce, not rush into anything. She wondered if it is possible to get past all this. I told her I absolutely think it is, and we can have a R that was better than ever, but there some things that have to happen first. Like she has to first acknowledge her affair, and also want to quit - she tells me she doesn't think she can quit it (hey, at least she is being honest for the first time in a long while). Right now she is still very much in denial. She actually asked if she could hear the recording I have of them!!!! I think she isn't exactly sure what she said and is trying to come up with ways to explain it. The bottom line, when you are telling the OM how great your orgasms are with him because you are in love with him, then that pretty much seals the deal for me. I don't know (and for now don't want to know) how they did it, where they did it, how much they did it, etc. Just knowing she betrayed me was enough for now. So my question du jour - should I let her hear the very explicit recording of herself? Would that shock her into accountability or drive her further away?
As a followup, I am thinking "not right now" regarding sharing the recording. For one thing it gives me a bit of a leg up - she isn't sure how much I know. Also I think for her to get past this she needs to come to her own realization of responsibility and accountability. I can't do that for her.
I would lean toward NOT sharing it with her. She would gain the knowledge of knowing what you know. What would you gain? Probably not much. I say keep that recording to yourself...for now. There may be a time later to use it.
You are absolutely right about this:
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she needs to come to her own realization of responsibility and accountability. I can't do that for her.
That is one of the most difficult things -- you probably want to "fix this" or "change her." But you nailed it... you can't do that. Only she can change. She has to take responsibility of her actions. You can only control you!
Sorry to see you here, but glad you found this board. It has helped save many marriages, and it has saved many more people's peace of mind and sanity. You asked me on Kikidee's thread:
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So what ever happened? Are you still together? Does it really ever get better? <Get ready for the personal questions> Did you ever have sex with her again? How long did that take? Was it hard for you to be intimate with her again knowing she had been intimate with another man? Did you have a hard time getting past the thoughts of "I wonder if she did this with him" or "I wonder if he was better than me". Sorry if this dredges up old memories, just wondering if I have the strength to do this!!!!
Short answers are: I busted the divorce, we are still married, and yes, it does get better. I would have never busted the divorce, saved the marriage, or been able to have the peace of mind I have today without the help of friends on this board, and letting go of all I the things I thought were most important realizing how little control I have over anything but way I choose to handle the situations I encounter in life.
The answers to the "personal" questions are just that -- personal. Not that I have any reluctance to answer them, but they are personal to my situation and irrelevant to yours, though there may be similarities. All of this is personal and success depends upon your willingness to work on yourself and learn and understand that you have no control over anyone but yourself and your behavior.
Yes, sex returned, it took months and the help of a very good couples therapist. As far as anything about what she did with the OM, it's over, past, and history. She came back to me and our marriage. I don't live in the past, nor the future. I live and love now. If you live in the past, you will have nothing but regrets, and if you live in the future, you will live in fear. Stay present and focus on what you can do now. Always do your best and take care of yourself.
Stick around and listen and learn. I like your idea about Retrouville, but in its own time. Understand that you are in for the ride of your life, and it will take time. The Bomb for me was Dec 28, 2000. I am still working on it. I still struggle with control, with fear and with making it work. I think if I had worked half as hard as I have since the bomb for the years of my marriage before, I would not be here, and would know nothing of this board.
it is a hard call about whether to share it with her or not. I think it really comes to a question of what your goals are and how your actions in this instance will bring you closer to those goals. It appears that you have created an "either/or" situation but admitting it's existence. You will have to judge that. The most important principle that I ever got from DB/DR is the idea to always consider you goals, and always act in a manner which brings you closer to them, and avoid things the move you away.
My situation was that I hacked into email. I had many, many archived messages that I carefully saved after I was caught snooping and she was more careful to delete things she didn't want me to see. She learned of my archive and insisted on having it. She said if I didn't give it to her, she would leave and everything was completely over. In desperation, I capitulated and gave it to her. Notice who had the control in that situation?
When she discovered I was snooping, she too accused me of violating her trust. She said she didn't know if she would ever be able to trust me again, and I don't know if she does completely now. She seems to keep secrets, but I don't snoop now so I can't know. I think the snooping was the single most damaging thing to our relationship, and the betrayal of trust it provoked on both sides will be the thing that takes the longest to repair.
