Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again W not angry any more and wants to work on the M

It does sound like Lanzo is make headway and definitely getting positive signals. Lanzo, I haven't had the chance to get through your earlier threads, but I just wanted to reply to Kalni that there are actual success stories out there. I can speak confidently of this because my W and I are an example of a couple on the mends. There are also others out there that made it through to better times. Saffie and Sara stand out as two that have given me much advice.

I would expect the posts in this section would be ripe with motivating success stories, but maybe some start posting here too early. I know in my situation, there was a point months back where I thought that we were on our way to piecing so I started a thread here only to find out that we still had a long way to go.

Things have improved immensely for us since the beginning of the year. We still have work to do, but I believe that we are at this point primarily because of a program called Retrouvaille. It definitely gave us the motivation, optimism and tools to really work on our marriage. I'll try to post more on my own thread about what I thought worked and didn't work

Retrouvaille Works and I doubt it could make things worse if the presenters have good (or bad) enough stories to tell ...it peels away all of the crap and the luggage we carry and puts you together in a structured setting where you are able to privately and convincingly dialogue with your spouse...about yours and her feelings ...yes feelings... and have a group of people who have been there under worse situations than you have a (and who made it back to the promised land ...marriage intact) present the case for love.... the case for trust ....the case for forgiveness .... for you in a very non threatening, OMG!@! way and with the evidence all in front of you both to allow you to decide which road to take....

Hi rogerrespondent,

At the moment this is the way W wants to move forward, I think (and I'm guessing now)she wants to be in a postion where I won't get angry with her for the things she's done wrong before she talks fully about the R. Also (and I'm guessing again) she doesn't want to, or is not ready to talk to other people about our sitch.


Lan

Lan, I agree with you 100%. Programs like Retrovaille, MC, etc. work only if BOTH are on board otherwise its a crap shoot and would most likely backfire as it did in my case and a few others I know of. Having followed your sitch every step of the way I think you are taking the more sure footed approach.

When we attended the Retrouvaille weekend, my wife was not convinced that she wanted to save the marriage. She attended so that I couldn't say that she didn't give it a shot. She was very hesitant, but things really clicked on that weekend. There was a presenting couple there that gave the story of their situation. It was like ours in many ways, but much longer and seemingly more difficult. There were many other things that made a difference that weekend, but I think that speech was a turning point.

Lan,
I'm happy to hear that she doesn't want to leave, but I can't see mending the relationship without some sort of guidance be it a weekend retreat, counseling, etc. She may be ready at some point in the future, but I wouldn't just back burner the feelings, emotions, etc. Whatever it was that happened needs to be confronted and dealt with in order to heal properly - for both of you.

Hi hopeforfuture,

When I tried for some R talk last week I asked W what is it she thought we as a couple were doing. Her reply was "We're starting our M from scratch, seeing if we can make a go of things". However she did say she didn't want any outside help. I told her I that althought this is the way she wants to do things at some stage in the future we would have to address all of the difficult subjects that she's not ready to deal with yet.

So at the moment we are taking things day by day but sooner or later I will need to "heal the hurt" by revisiting and clearing up our past difficulties. But I can only do this when she is ready.


Lan

Just journaling and stretching my sense of humor.



I responded



I responded



This weekend I think I'll try a bit of "Butt popping towel flirting" with W just for a laugh.


Lan

A bit more serious now

I had full range of H emotions over the last few days, she was feeling good at the weekend, and out of the blue said if our finances were better 5 years ago she would have tried for second child. Mind you I know that's a bit of BS as she went out of her way to ensure we didn't have second child by getting sterilized, and only telling me 2 days before the op that she was going in. A second child was a big issue with me but I've let it go now. To be honest I think W was just trying to say something that would be personal to the two of us rather than trying to upset me.

However last night I got the other end of the spectrum when she accused me of snooping at her cell phone. She had left it in the bathroom when I went to use it so I put it outside the door in case she came upstairs (I didn't want to be locked in there with the phone). When I finished I put it back where it was, I never went into it I don't feel the need now. Also I know she purposely leaves the phone laying around to see if I'll touch it. But like I said I don't feel the need now.

Anyway this incident tells me need to talk about some trust issues sooner rather than later. But all in all W was ok afterwards cos she thanked me for scanning some documents for work on the computer and we went to bed together as usual, no touchy feely cos I think we were both too tired for that.

Lan

Ok I read.. Well Not much 10 days could not have made that much difference.

But maybe.

Don't come on to strong.

I was reading the move here. and I could feel the excitement.

I can see the circle of getting back to where you were = "Don't go there"

I half way wanna read it all now... LOL

I am gonna read some more then post.

Ok I read the post right above this one.

I was right the first time.

Not much changed.

I feel ya. Remember "Quick Forgive"

Gonna harp on you for a sec... I know I am not around as much. But I am still around.

She's into you but she's not that into you.....

To a point the "relationship, you did wrong!" stuff has to slow down.

One of my fist points buried somewhere on here was I did not understand the WAW. It has come out on many occasions. Yes, I still don't get it. I understand it but it makes no sense. I have not "been there". Maybe I have felt as much pain.. distance... but just never got there. I have pulled in the driveway and said F**k shes home. It was short lived.

No offense to women intended here..

There is something about a woman that allows her to get to that point. I surely do not understand it at all. But it happens.

It is not wrong. It is just different. DAM will never understand and will always be looking for the "fix" (Justification)

Stop.. Looking for her to come to you. Guess What?... It won't happen. (Thats from way back)

Weird thing is I can see both sides. But at times I have no idea what to do with it. It seems like such a simple problem (From DAM perspective) yet there seems to be no solution.

So lets just lay it out... High points here.

Love.. Bliss.. Marriage.. Drama.... Some more Drama.. Someone wants out. Other Person.... MORE DRAMA....

Ok.... We have the issues at hand. She cheated on you. So... What is it all worth? Trust me I wrestle with this every day. What you did was just as bad. Where does it stop? She knows who you are. Plain and simple fact. You know who she is. Plain and simple fact.

Can BOTH of you let go?????

Sometimes I feel like I can't.. I want to fix it.
Sometimes she feels like she can't.. Same old Shi*.

You feeling me yet?

Break the ice slowed you down. You tried it did not work. You know what I say?

Next time when she walks in the door have a bottle of massage oil in hand and drag her upstairs. (Not tied up unless she likes that). Or something that you used to do along those lines.

I will tell you she wants you. She was holding a sign from day #1

Me .. You .. DAM .. Will never be able to fix it. We will never understand it. It is not in us.

To quote someone...

She sees life thru pink sunglasses. Hears thru pink hearing aids. Talks thru a pink megaphone.

We see life thru blue sunglasses. Hear thru blue hearing aids. Talk thru a blue megaphone.

We all (DAM & WAW) have to find the happy medium.