Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Worried I found DB too late

Not that anyone cares about the minute-by-minute dealings with me and my H :), but he just emailed me "you're welcome to come hang Sunday" and it felt great to respond that I had plans, but I'd probably swing by to say goodnight to the kids. (He's with them for an extra night because Monday's a school holiday.)

So, I tried to catch up quick on your sitch I think that I have it all, but I may not.

Search my stuff and you will see some things that are similar and some different. Mostly you will see that I was a complete ass and my W had every right to walk away from our marriage. But in the end we are back together and both working really hard. I digress....

First it is never too late!

I see so many positives in your posts, many very similar to my sitch just before we ended the S. So, here is my typically response/advice to everyone on this board which helped me so much:

1) Accept the worst! Really accept the worst sitch that can happen. What is it? Is it a D what ever it is come to a place of acceptance that it may happen. Don't pull any BS like it might happen but I want X to happen. You really have ot dig deep and come to a point that you accept that you may be Divorced at some point soon. Cry it out, yell scream whatever but accept it NOW!!!

2) Once you have accepted, release control of your husbands actions. You can not control him or his actions only your reactions. I am a strong believer thanks to Dom that going dark is very dangerous. But, it is ok to be selective in what you share. For example have dinner with him if asked, but don't talk about family stuff unless he wants to. Let him reach out to you for everything kid stuff, work, money everything. If you need his input on something, just make a decision and apologize later. Do Not push!!!

3) Everyone will tell you to GAL. But I think that you need to do something that you are passionate about. Don't GAL just for the exercise of doing it because there is limited benefit to that approach. What are you passionate about (other than your H). I started working out and playing sports again like I did in college. My W took notice but never really said anything until recently that she could see my passion and approach about that but she could tell I was faking some of the other GAL stuff.

4) Lastly for now - it's never over!!!!!!! Contradicts what I said earlier about acceptance I know, but really it is never really over when you have kiddos and so much else involved.

I will drop by from time to time to lend my fractured 2 cents, but good luck!

good job with your goals...I posted to you on the solution focused workshop.

Well, hubby told me this morning that our chance of making it is almost gone. He just doesn't want it.

That doesn't really change anything. I think if you look at the success stories, you'll see the same thing. The more important question is what do you want?

(((((cw68)))))

I was told that sooooo many times I lost count. I was the whipping boy for we won't make it, I don't feel that way anymore, I want to pursue other relationships, you are not whom I see myself with in X months, years, days....

Don't listen to that stuff. Remember that if you want to save this marriage it means that you accept the probable, embrace the possible, and don't give up on the goal!

Oh dear, sorry to hear that. What prompted him to say that? Did you ask?

No, I didn't ask, but we did (on his prompting) get into a conversation about our R. Specifically that even though last week he thought he was ready to work on us a little bit, he changed his mind and is not there. He said then that our chance was either "fleeting" or "fleeing," I didn't understand and didn't want to ask! I didn't argue or cry or anything.

So I can't sleep and thought I'd use this site for a journal.

I'm so frustrated, a horrible day. Started with the conversation with my husband, which I thought was a good thing to do because I wasn't trying to pull information out. Yet I still think he ended up on the defensive. But really, the day was horrible because of the kids. My D6 told my neighbor, "My dad doesn't get to spend that much time with us because my mom has to be with us. My mom makes my dad unhappy." Then when my S5 was complaining, yet again, about dinner -- which he never used to do -- I jokingly said, "What, are you just unhappy all the time? Geez, lighten up." and he responded, "I'm happy when both my mom and dad are together." THEN my husband called to say goodnight and that just set my daughter off on a crying jag. She was saying that it's hard for me, but that it's harder for the kids and she just doesn't understand why dad doesn't love me like he loves her, why adults just can't decide to love each other and stay together. Then she says that this is so hard on me and what I should do is just tell dad that what he's doing is mean, that I shouldn't let him do this.

Also can't stop thinking about a not-so-subtle reminder that my MIL takes our separation as permanent and fact. Just days after our separation, I received a cookbook from her filled with family recipes and stories, the note said it was for me and the kids. When I shared it with my husband he said, "Yeah, I know about it. She sent me one too." So she sent him mail at the apartment for just him and sent stuff for me and the kids here. I don't know why I can't stop thinking about that right now, but it's just running and running through my mind.

Another thing I can't stop thinking about is the v-day card he gave me. In it he said he loved and respected me and feels I'm a wonderful person. Then WTH else do I need to be? What else does he need? If he feels that way and still can't find it in him to spend any time alone with me, then we're doomed. It's like he just wants to put on a show for the kids and who cares about me.

This whole thing is just so not fair. After our talk, I told him I was going to transfer some money from savings to consult with a lawyer. I thought it would be better for him to hear it from me and not just see it on the bank statement. Then in an email, he said that he didn't understand why when we get to this point (when he tells me he doesn't want to work on us and/or that he doesn't want to be married to me) that I feel I need to consult with an attorney, asked if I was trying to scare him or something. Then he proceeded to basically lay out what he thinks the terms of our divorce should be, including that he would contest any desire on my part to move back to Chicago. I've told him that if we divorce, I want to move back to my family since we have NO family out here.

I responded that, no, I wasn't trying to scare him, that he felt he needed to move out and leave his wife and kids, I felt that I needed to consult an attorney to cover my butt. This whole thing is just so unfair. He's going to get a divorce, get his freedom, get my kids half the time and I'm going to be stuck by myself in expensive California with a seven-year employment gap, preexisting conditions that prevent me from getting insurance on my own, and no job skills that will support me in a neighborhood where I can't afford the home. There's so much more, I just feel that I've written enough for now.

Now it's 4am and I've barely slept, my head kills and I'm drowning in my misery. I hate this!

CW -

If you want a shot at making your marriage work, do not mention lawyers! Clearly that is not where you want to go so do not drive the bus there.

Yes, this is very unfair!It really is impossible for the LBS to relate to the WAS. You must realize that your H is not thinking as clearly or logical as you. You are focused on your family, he is focused on himself. Don't blame yourself.

Based upon your post, if you have not already done so, I strongly recommend that you see a board certified psychiatrist. He/She can help you through this very difficult time. They can also prescribe meds that will help ease the anxiety, allow u to get a good night's sleep and avoid depression. Depression is a disease that sneaks up on you, don't let it happen. Your kids need you to be in a good place.

I can totally relate to your sitch. My daughter was one of the happiest kids on the planet. Today it is up and down. Some days she is herself, other days she is very sad. It breaks my heart and I want to fix this for her now!

We are here for you CW

Fish