I'm really torn between how to handle this. I think that I could step up and possibly win her back, but then I run into the issue of her still having buried feelings for this bozo. I also don't necessarily like the idea of going dark as that pulls me even further out of her life. But then again, maybe that's what she needs. She needs me to be gone so that she can miss me. All this crap with the OM started because she found out he was moving out of the country and she felt like she had to say some things to him. He moved back three days after she left me. She says that it was just coincidence and that she didn't leave me because of him. I believe her. Maybe I should move out of the country. Do you have any relatives in the old country that I could stay with Brit?
She's not seeing a C and I've encouraged her a couple times to go see one. Even offering to cover the expenses. She doesn't seem interested though. She said that I'm the only one that she's told all of her feelings to about both me and the OM.
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The fact that she is hanging out with you so much and her behavior is not consistent with what she is saying makes detaching REALLY hard.
You're telling me. She just IMd me thanking me for letting her spend the night and apologizing for what she felt like she had to say last night.
She's talked about the Peace Corps before when we were still together. It was something that she talked about us doing together. I have an Aunt and Uncle who did it just after graduating and she looked up to them. I think this go round of wanting to go is more of looking for a way to escape the problems that she's built up for herself. So yeah, I call BS too. I actually called her out on it last night and asked her if she thought she would feel any different when she came back. She said probably not, so that pretty much sums it up.
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
Jenny, I've haven't read the 6 stages. I'll have to look them up. She's a bit young too at 28, but it does seem like she might be going through something similar.
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
I can't imagine she really knows what she wants. It sounds like she is sending you all sorts of mixed messages. From my perspective I'd "be there for her" but detach and don't chase. I think that is sort of like Brit's grey.
Jenny, I've haven't read the 6 stages. I'll have to look them up. She's a bit young too at 28, but it does seem like she might be going through something similar.
You'll find that MLC and EA/PA have a lot in common. The stages are very similar.
I'd take a look - it might be helpful to you. I'd say she's probably heading towards 'depressed' right now.
My H is only 29 as well, but it's a little uncanny how bang on he has followed this script up until this point. My hope is that it continues to play out that way.
Do you know about the tunnel analogy? It is also quite helpful for me to consider in my H's sitch. Your W might just be progressing in. It was explained to me this way...
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The tunnel is the metaphor we use for the Crisis--the journey. At Bomb Drop the MLCer can still see the light at the opening of the tunnel. He can see you and still misses you. As he geos further into the tuneel, the light from the opening is no longer visisble. Things get worse. The OW relationship puls him down. He hated you in the begining and loved you also--may have changed his mind every few minutes/days/weeks. Now, in the darkness, he seems even more certain, more consistent.
It helps me to see this is a progressing sitch and not a stangnant one. I'm thinking about ya... J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
I just finished reading the six stages. I would have to agree that she's in the depression stage. She told me last night that she seriously considered swallowing a bottle of pills, but one of her friends talked her down from it. When we were going out to get dinner she made the statement that maybe the roads will be really bad on her way home and she'll crash and die. She was also beating herself up pretty bad through all of the talk. Saying how bad of a person she was and things like that. I just reassured her that I didn't think that she was a horrible person and that I try to understand the best that I can how she is feeling.
Looking back, I'd have to say that she's followed the MLC script pretty closely too. It started over a year ago.
I have heard of the tunnel analogy, and I honestly thought that she went down the tunnel and came back out and decided she wanted to work on things. I was obviously off base on that one. Maybe she just enjoys running back and forth in the tunnel...
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
So she's been IMing me this afternoon about the weather how she was glad that I didn't drive into work today. Then she starts talking about a band and if I like their music and whatnot. Then she sends the following:
W: it's hard for me to believe that you still love me B: I do W: well you have a much bigger heart than most people do B: so I've been told.
and then later
W: well, like i said, maybe i made the biggest mistake of my life talking to you yesterday who knows i guess B: that's for you to decide
I don't know what to make of it, but I thought that I would share...
Last edited by bhopeful; 02/06/0807:43 PM.
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
I am sorry things didn't go they way they should yesterday. What can I say? I agree with Woog, Jenny and the any others that mentioned she sounds comletely confused. And the last conv/msg -whatever it was- just prooved it. If you find it in your heart, keep going. If you can and want to, stay focused on your ultimate goal. Time will tell. For the time being, know that all of us here are with you and praying that this was the last major set back you'll have to face before she comes to her senses.
I'll leave the practical and logical advice to the wiser people on this board.
Kalni
PS I don't know if you noticed yourself but today has been a hard day for many on these boards. A couple of people recieved D papers, legal papers, faced major bumps in their road, were disappointed. Maybe it's what Ali says, the eclipse... Hope tommorow will be a better day for all.
Kind of reading your sitch and I have to agree with the above posters. The Peace Corps sounds like a bunch of whooey. Do you know how hard it is to get in the Peace Corps? Also, I think saying it is over is really way to control the situation. It is a way for her to be free to do what she wants without guilt. When she is ready to be done she will file papers and until that happens I would say give her the space. Back up a bit and let all this sink in. Try and go dark for at least a few days. Stop letting her think she can count on you as her rock. Let her exploe other M. I know it is paiful, but you have to set her free to find her way back to you. I would say don't panic. Thins in her actions say she still cares. This is a hiccup. You have been here before. Lick your wounds and keep moving.
I am so sorry to hear about this big pile of bombs that got dropped on your heart last night. I think others have already said the same thing but she probably just has to go through this stage... no matter what you did, she may still have to go through the want to join the peace corps stage. If you feel discouraged, think about how differently you would have handled this conversation before you started DB'ing. I remember you mentioned earlier in your thread that you got yourself a positive life. No matter what happens you are going to be a stronger, more grounded, more fulfilled person, inside and out, because of this process.
It really sounds like she is following the script. But she's obviously so confused! Otherwise, why would she have stayed at your place overnight? And asked you to sit on the couch? And stop over before her meeting? And told you that she may have made the biggest mistake of her life last night?
You know that there is a calm, beautiful woman, full of light, somewhere inside your beloved W. Keep loving and believing in that woman, even though she is completely invisible right now.
And about the Peace Corps! Disclaimer: I would not pass this info on to your W. In fact, I would try to be supportive of whatever radical plans she has for changing her future, because she will probably just get in her own way.
But: the peace corps is a B!tch. It is not an easy thing. I have three friends who have done it. One of them LOVED it and ended up staying in ghana for an extra assignment. The other two quit and came home after a couple of months because it was so soul-suckinly hard. And these were strong ladies, not ladies trying to use the peace corps to solve a mess inside. Also, getting into the peace corps (as others have said), is really difficult. They have a specific screening process for screening out people who probably won't do well. I don't know for sure but I can imagine they would try to screen out people going through QLC's of this kind, as well as people who have suicidal thoughts! Also, it usually takes forever to get your assignment even once they accept you. So even if she goes ahead and applies (unlikely, given her confusion), and gets accepted (more unlikely), you could have six months to a year before she actually shipped out. PLUS, she might be back in just a couple of months. The two friends I have who came back early were totally isolated and had no support in their assignments. And they were in good shape emotionally.
But I would NOT tell this to your W. A couple years ago my B expressed interest in joining the peace corps and I told him how hard it was and later I really regretted it. If it's something he really wanted I should have encouraged him instead of sharing discouraging information.
Given that your W seems to be having such a rough time, I would NOT stop being her rock. It sounds like she needs your support right now, and you are doing an amazing job of being a good husband and friend to her. You know best, b/c in the end, it's your W and your heart. But that's just my two cents.
You will reap what you sow... these seeds just take so, so, long to grow in the garden of the WAS heart, and there are so many other wild plants that we cannot control competing for sun and water and nutrients....
I'm sorry to hear about all of this... but please do not be discouraged, BHopeful... you are doing amazing!! No matter how W is reacting, you are getting an A plus for your DB'ng! ((HUGS)) T
