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Acj

can't give anything but {{{{hugs}}}} right now.
stay strong and focused you are doing great though
is probably doesn't feel like it.

Damn, ACJ! You are facing some fearful stuff, and with courage, and a sense of conviction. Just, please, don't be too hard on yourself, especially where your H is concerned. He has made at least half the mistakes (and, I suspect, more than that) in the M, and the lack of connection between the individuals in your family is just as much his responsibility as it is yours. If you do get D'ed and he marries the OW, he will see that he has brought all his baggage with him into the next R, and leaving you and the children didn't solve one little thing. But, that is only a possibility in the future, and it's pointless focusing on that (or pondering too much on the past) ... it is the present that matters.

Your motives have always been pure where your children are concerned (most mothers' are), and I doubt you ever meant to harm them in any way. I could always read the anguish you felt where your children are concerned, and especially your S15. Don't carry any guilt around, because that can become a huge burden (I know ... I have been there). Just resolve to continue what you have started now. We moms (parents) can only do our best.

I am thinking of you, and wishing the best outcome possible. Just take each day as it comes, and make the most of it.

Take care.

Thanks BM,

I did get a reply from H re my email asking for us to both sit down with the children to apologise for our behaviour and then to leave it in the past where it belongs.

His reply:


I thanked him for his reply noting that his opinions were clearly different to mine. I told him about the apologies I have already made and that I would continue in that vein when D17 comes home from her holiday. I also told him about the discussions re D with S15 and that actually his views lie somewhere between mine and Hs. I finished by saying I was glad that he agreed that I had a choice.

So from now on no more emails, even about the children. If he wants to know about thier lives he will have to make the effort. I'm more sure than ever that there will be a D now but I won't be hurrying it along as it still isn't what I want.

I tried. It just wasn't good enough

Ok Ali. Take a deep breath, sit down and try and make your world slow down around you. I bet when you type your posts you are hammering away at the keys at a 100mph! Firstly, just because you are raising the kids on your own please don't think there is anything unusual about their behavior. H and I have been back together and blissfully happy now for 10 months (he just bought me a beautiful new wedding ring)and my 16 year old d spends most of her time in her room etc! Teenagers are like that and I'm sure my 11 yr old will do the same. It is an inert part of being a teenager that makes them think only of themselves (sound familiar!!) and along with that "the world is against me" mentality. IMO the only difference when there are 2 parents in the house is it someone to share these times with and dilute the burden so they are hopefully less difficult to cope with. I have said to you all along that when you are ready the D will give you peace but only you can decide that time. It is your life and you must do what is best for you. Your H is way down the MLC path and sometimes you have to lose something completely before you can see what you are missing. Maybe the D will help him to realise this once he has no amunition to get angry with. At the moment all the anger he feels will blot out any feelings he may have for you. Anyway just my humble twopenneth. You are often in my thoughts. Take care

Ellie,
That's uncanny. I've been thinking about you a lot in the last few days!

Gosh 10 months since reconciliation. It only seems like yesterday. I'm so pleased for you. Are you going to get your new ring blessed?

You are right about the teenager issue. One thing I do regret though is buying them all televisions for their bedrooms. If anyone has young children and is considering this DON'T DO IT.


'when you are ready the D will give you peace'

That is what I am struggling with. To be D to me means that I would have given up. I know fighting it is not getting me anywhere BUT what's the alternative apart from giving in? How does saying 'Ok I agree, go marry your OW' show that you love someone? Isn't that just telling them that they were right about you all along, that you never did care about them?

'Your H is way down the MLC path and sometimes you have to lose something completely before you can see what you are missing'

This I do agree with b/c it's what keeps me standing. I know I took my H for granted even after he came home last time. However I don't think my H will ever feel that he lost me quite simply b/c he doesn't want me. In his mind he quite literally breathed a sigh of relief when he walked out of my door at 7pm on 24th November 2005 and has not looked back since. He didn't loose me, he threw me away.

This just me journalling by the way. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just need to get all this fear out in the open before I can face the lion's mouth.

ACJ, I don,t think Ellie actually said this
"How does saying 'Ok I agree, go marry your OW' show that you love someone? Isn't that just telling them that they were right about you all along, that you never did care about them?"

So how can you actually prevent a D? delay it yes but at what cost to you and your kids.
I think you and your H have still a long road to travel before change hapens in either of your perceptions.
This is hard but if you really mean what you say about no contact, finaly letting go etc, stop doing the things you are doing and concentrate on you.
Your conversation with your son re his comments to his Dad about D was more of the same old ACJ but tempered with the atitude of I am going to listen to my kids!
Would you give your H a D because your kids think its best?
You still used conversations with son to contact H achieving what?
I am sorry you are in such pain but maybe if you stop going down cheeseless tunnels as they say you may find a chink of light.
I doubt very much as well as to how you have harmed your children I should think they know you well enough by now and as Ellie points out some of it is normal behaviour for kids.
Take care.

Naej,

I think you misunderstood me. You are right Ellie didn't say that, I did. This is how I feel. This is what I am struggling with. If I could believe the opposite I'm sure this ride wouldn't be so scary.

H and I do still have a very long way to go.

I had that conversation with my S15 to find out if I had missed something. I wanted to know if my perception of what I think I know about my children was correct. It was. My children don't feel the way H says they do. I needed to know this before I could make a change. I had to know what it is I need to change. I now know that my intuition as far as my children are concerned does not need changing, it is alright as it is.

Now I can start to change all the things that do need changing. I know what they are.

The last contact with H was just that. I do not intend to have any further communication with him unless he instigates it or unless he is here in my house. I will not be rude, I'm just not going to pursue anymore. I hadn't seen it as that but now I do.

When I agreed to the D all that kept going through my mind were the sayings "if you love someone set them free" and if "they truly love you they will come back". Luckily for me he did! Don't look at it as giving up but loving someone enough to give them what they (think) they want. x

Got another letter from my L today. She was forwarding one from H. It was reminding me that I have still not submitted my financial form. It is true I have yet to do the work for it. It's not that I don't want to I just have so many other competing priorities I truely don't know which one to do first. They all have deadlines and I am sinking fast under the weight of it all.

However I need to remind myself that each time she sends a letter to me or on my behalf it costs me £10. So time to get things done. I need to get my business head on.

Hi Alison, no I didn't misunderstand. I knew what Ellie had said I was trying to point out how you perceived what she had said. How we all perceive what a D means in the beginning.
Sorry I didn,t make myself clearer.
Those bills sure mount up from the legal eagles don't they!