Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I feel like I'm spinning out of control

So KPK he doesn't like the fact that with sole physical custody you would have the final word in all decisions where the kids are concerned regardless of the legal custody issue. I'm assuming, of course, that is what is bothering him. If it is, could you have it written into the papers that although you have sole physical custody both parents must be in agreement when making decisions regarding the kids' school, medical treatment, and any future moves that may occur. That may alleviate his concerns.

I'll pray for you to have a good, productive conversation with your H tonight.

(((((KPK)))))

Thanks Mishka. We've agreed on joint legal custody, which gives us both power in terms of medical issues, schooling, etc... Physical custody is the problem. If I had sole physical custody, the children live primarily with me, and he gets visitation- we've come up with a very flexible visitation schedule.

If there's joint physical custody (which he now wants), the general understanding of the terminology is that the kids spend equal or almost equal time living with each parent, which I see as very disruptive. The main issue he's concerned with is that if I have sole physical custody, I could very easily move somewhere else with the kids and he would have very little say, which I have no plans to do. Joint physical custody allows him to stop that. My issue is with joint legal custody,even though he says he doesn't want to have the kids split 50-50 because it wouldn't be good for them, he could easily petition the court to change the agreed upon visitation schedule to be in line with the general understanding of joint physical custody provisions, and I don't like the possibility of my kids being shuttled from house to house. He swears he wouldn't do that, but at this point I trust nothing he says.

Sorry if the above is rambling/confusing.

I really shouldn't call or e-mail the slut/whore/girlfriend, should I, even though I have her phone number and e-mail, should I....

NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! All it will do is make you angrier, she will whine to your H and he will come back at you. That will just make this contentious and ugly. Don't even call her those things to your H - all he will do is defend her to you and be angrier with you. It will not improve anything in any way.....trust me! I've done it all!

Step back, be assertive when you have to but otherwise just drop the anger. I can give the advice, I just can't seem to follow it yet!!!

That's the best I can offer. I'm here to listen if you need to vent about the ho but don't go after her. She didn't cause this directly, it was your husband's choice and she really is just a symptom.

((((((((KPK)))))))))


BREATHE!!!!!!!!

breathe!!!!!!!!

KPK

You already know your own answers. Contacting the OW puts them on center stage. They don't belong there. It takes your eyes off the real issues. Forget her.

You need to keep things in their place. The OW has no place in your life. You can't keep her away from your H but you can work of your focus. Focus on your life, the things you control.

This whole process can play out any number of ways. You need to set your goals so that you have the best chance to get the outcome you want. Your H does not know everything about the OW yet. They have not been together long enough to know each other completely. It will take time. There is a great chance that time will take the shine off their A.

In that time you will want to keep from becoming the evil one. Be his friend as much as you can. Treat him fairly, as long as it does not violate reasonable bounds. In time, he will begin to see you as his best friend again, and the OW will show her colors. This often happens.

But more than all that, you will look back in time and see that you took the high road and became above all that is wrong in the crisis. That needs to be one of your goals. And you do need to come to see that this is all about time ... and what you do with it. What you do for yourself in the meantime, and how you make the best life with your kids.

Your H may be getting coached by OW. He may be having some control issues. Or he may be thinking that giving up too much at this time could set a precedence for future decisions. You can't expect answers to why he is flipping around. As long as he is flopping within a fair middleground you should be ok, right?

Patience will become your strength, so feed on it. And start reading about Detaching.

Thanks for all the advice. I didn't call, and don't talk about her.

Now I'm in another new situation. H and I were working together to put a trial separation agreement in place. Seemed to be going ok, until this past weekend. H talked to my father and his wife about the situation- very good conversation, rational. Then he talked to my mother- not good as my mother can be a bit psycho, she basically insulted him, he told her she didn't care about anything but money, etc... So, I had to deal with her upset and H's anger. Tonight it gets worse. Because of the state of the situation, and knowing my mother's volitile (sp) temper, I told H something she has told me a few times about H being on a porn sight and asking her to watch. Thought I should warn him as she might throw this up if/when they see each other again. Well, he denied it adamently, I believe him, but he took that as me throwing a salvo over, like a threat, to make sure I got what I wanted in the settlement agreement. For the last hour he has done nothing but yell at me about what a horrible mother I am, he's the better parent and could easily take the kids if he wanted, that I'm lazy, an all around bad person, that my mother is a bit&*, and that if we were going to fu*& him, he'd do the same right back. I am in total shock. My eyes are swollen shut from crying. He's never come after me like this before. I was really just trying to warn him, and I now feel completely worthless, and that I could lose my children. Instead of saying in the agreement he won't seek full physical custody, because of what I said he's re-evaluating that promise and will do what;s in the best interest of the kids. He's now taken off. I don't know what to do, can't stop crying.

(((((KPK))))))

I'm so sorry you have been through this today. I really don't know what to say other than to tell you to pray hard for peace for yourself and mercy for your husband.

I know there's no way to backpedal out of it now but in future don't bring what anyone else has told you into the conversation even if it is with only good intentions. Right now anything you say or do is a threat to him. He's spinning in his own world and bringing up something to him that seems threatening will cause him to spin faster and be more out of control (even though he is seeing his actions as taking control over his life).

Do you have a lawyer? If not, it sounds like you need one, NOW. If your H is threatening to take the children you need someone to go to bat for your rights.

Take a long hot bath, put a cool cloth over your eyes and try to relax.

Hugs and much love to you KPK.

Thanks Mishka. Clearly a huge mistake- my mother has been known to "dramatize" things that never really happened, so I really thought I was doing him a favor. He's never been so vicious, and after the things he said to me I don't know if I want this marriage to be saved or not. I told him essentially that last night and he said it would be stupid, the house would have to be sold, I would end up with nothing. I am calling a lawyer today.



Hope all is ok with you.

KPK - How did things go today? I've been thinking of you and praying for your family. Check in with us soon.